Friday, April 27, 2007

Bursting into tears

I'm a person who easily cries. Even when I was a small child, I used to cry at trivial things. I thought I was strange but it was most likely due to my depression manifesting itself.

Yet recently I haven't been crying a lot. I hadn't cried for nearly a year until today and I usually have a crying episode every two months. I am actually glad I cried today. It's something I can get out of the way since it felt like it was hanging there, waiting to happen.

What I wasn't glad about was when and where it happened. I was giving a case presentation to a doctor and was irritated when the doctor asked a question where I had already given an answer to. The doctor saw I was slightly annoyed and asked if there was something wrong with my question. Nearly a year's worth of frustation, depression and irritability toppled over and I said I thought the doctor was not giving a damn listening to me.

The doctor than clarified what the question meant and I felt guilty for accusing the doctor. That's when it all started, the waterworks. There are various stages of crying, that all people can related. The first stage is the glistening effect, when you eyes start to water. The second stage is the tearing effect, when you tears start to obscure your vision and you start to tear down the cheeks. The last stage is the crying stage, when actually physical noise comes out. I was trying not to let it get to the final stage but the doctor saw that something was wrong and was concerned that he/she (I won't elaborate on who it was, since it doesn't matter) had done something wrong.

At this point I could have said I suffered from depression and this was entirely natural phenomenon to me but I rather not have pity felt for me. I just loosely said the problem is not with you, I respect that you have taken time out to teach and I was wrong in scolding you and the problem is with me. But the waterworks still kept on coming. I was just really glad that I didn't get to the final stage of crying in front of the doctor.

I just hope it doesn't happen again in front of another doctor next week. I just don't have enough water in body for that many tears.

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