Not much happening

Since tomorrow is a holiday in Hong Kong (I think it is Labour Day) and the specialty I am currently attached to usually schedules its surgeries for Tuesday, there are very few patients to see. So I am off for the rest of the day.

Recently I sent out a mass email to everybody in my address book, saying I won't be sending out anymore mass emails (yes I know the irony of the situation, so don't point it out). Of course I will send a mass email if something important comes up, like pending deportation, wedding (very unlikely) or anything along similar lines. But for other updates I asked everybody to be referred to here, my blog.

There are reasons for why I am doing this:

1. Nobody has the time to read my emails. Whenever I send a mass email, it tends to be quite long, as the feedback has been. Since we are all busy, you can read my blog whenever you are free.
2. Nobody has the attention span to read my emails. I think this is more important than the first point. Thanks to instant messaging and MTV, I think the attention span for the young adult has decreased over the past years.
3. I fed up of reporting bad news. This seems be the case for all my emails. I just don't want people to feel desmodic whenever they see an email from me.

So hopefully this arrangement is better for everybody, you and me.

Bursting into tears

I'm a person who easily cries. Even when I was a small child, I used to cry at trivial things. I thought I was strange but it was most likely due to my depression manifesting itself.

Yet recently I haven't been crying a lot. I hadn't cried for nearly a year until today and I usually have a crying episode every two months. I am actually glad I cried today. It's something I can get out of the way since it felt like it was hanging there, waiting to happen.

What I wasn't glad about was when and where it happened. I was giving a case presentation to a doctor and was irritated when the doctor asked a question where I had already given an answer to. The doctor saw I was slightly annoyed and asked if there was something wrong with my question. Nearly a year's worth of frustation, depression and irritability toppled over and I said I thought the doctor was not giving a damn listening to me.

The doctor than clarified what the question meant and I felt guilty for accusing the doctor. That's when it all started, the waterworks. There are various stages of crying, that all people can related. The first stage is the glistening effect, when you eyes start to water. The second stage is the tearing effect, when you tears start to obscure your vision and you start to tear down the cheeks. The last stage is the crying stage, when actually physical noise comes out. I was trying not to let it get to the final stage but the doctor saw that something was wrong and was concerned that he/she (I won't elaborate on who it was, since it doesn't matter) had done something wrong.

At this point I could have said I suffered from depression and this was entirely natural phenomenon to me but I rather not have pity felt for me. I just loosely said the problem is not with you, I respect that you have taken time out to teach and I was wrong in scolding you and the problem is with me. But the waterworks still kept on coming. I was just really glad that I didn't get to the final stage of crying in front of the doctor.

I just hope it doesn't happen again in front of another doctor next week. I just don't have enough water in body for that many tears.

The power of prayer

I don't usually pray a lot but in the past few days, I have been asking God for help to get through the day and the willpower not to break down and cry. And I feel guilty about asking for these things.

Let me explain what I mean. I believe prayer is a person's chance to talk to God. When you start asking for things, it's selfish and you shouldn't be asking things from God. I don't even think asking for guidance or willpower should be asked for. If you really ask for something, it should be unselfish (i.e. not for you) - a cure for AIDS, an end to poverty, etc. Not for good examination results.

At times I really wish I could have reply for my prayers.

Two things...

Finally got broadband in my flat tonight, so I'm blogging right here from Kennedy Town! Woohoo! Don't know why that is exciting or why I have to use exclamation marks to express delight but who cares!

Anyway, two things I like to share since my last entry (about five hours ago). Firstly, I sat through a boring lecture about the short cases we might encounter during our Finals. The professor showed us a video of students doing their Surgical short cases in the Finals. And guess what? No I wasn't one of them but I did recognize two people who were shown. Firstly was my ex-friend, the wonderful bitch Dora. It is remarkable that she uses her flirting voice during the examination. The girl has no morals. The second person did fine (I keep her anonymous as I have nothing against the person).

The second thing I like to share was that I finally spotted another Nissan LaFesta. My dad bought one of these about a year ago and I never thought I would see another one until today. For those who don't know, the LaFesta is a small MPV which looks alright but is no Ferrari or Lambo. It actually is a good car since it is deceptively larger on the inside. But people tend to buy on reputation, so everybody in Hong Kong tends to buy Mercedes Benzes (is that even a word) and BMWs. If you are only going from A to B, maybe you need to take it down a notch.

Well have to go to dinner now, so finally I'll get that big entry I wanted to enter later.

Small, little deaths

I have recently moved into a flat with my mum, so she can help me get to classes. As we have not had Internet installed into our flat, I'm writing this before one of my classes in the library.

After nearly two days of the new Surgery clerkship, I'm tired but OK, I guess. But each time I see an old class peer (I can hardly call them 'mates') who has now graduated and is a house officer or resident, some small part inside of me dies. It's that sinking feeling you get in your chest, the 'what might have been' feeling that kills you inside. I know at some point it will send me over the cliff and I really hate for it to happen in an awkward situation, like in front of a doctor.

I know I should ignore it but I can't.

(Not) laughing at the professor's jokes

Went to the orientation meeting for my first rotation today. Got to meet the people I will be spending most of the rest of the year with. To be truthful, I'm not totally amoured with them. They seem to be your typical Hong Kong people. And that means I'm going to hate them. That's because the typical Hong Kong person is your ill-mannered, not-very-friendly, selfish person who I rather be roasting over an open fire than be acquaintenances with.

You can tell I really hate Hong Kong and its people, more so that Hitler hated the Jews. Only in this case it can be a bit more logical. I can find faults with people from other countries as well. The British are still class driven, the French are snobby whilst the Americans are arrogant and fat. But nothing doesn't boil my blood so much than Hong Kong people.

I have two points just to illustrate with you, after only spending an hour with them. Firstly I ask the group representative that I don't have the recent notes for some of the interactive tutorials and I was wondering if he knew where I could get a copy, either by burning a CD or downloading them. The blunt answer he gave was, "Sorry, I don't have a copy." A rather more tactful answer, which Hong Kong people still can't give, would have been, "Sorry, but I'll find out for you." No wonder there are TV adverts on the local channels asking people to change the habits (for the tourists).

The other point is the poor quality of humour they have. They were laughing at the professor's jokes today and the jokes were terrible. Trust me, they were worse than my dad's jokes and my dad does really have some awful jokes.

I tend to believe that Hong Kong people suffer from, what I call, "the Matrix phenomenon" named after the movie. They come to accept the reality around them, that nothing can get any better because this is as good as it gets. An ex-friend exemplifies this phenomenon exactly when she had to ask me "what is wrong with Hong Kong" and I had to give my reasons but still she didn't understand or accept my answers, like I was some lunatic at a mental asylum.

God help me for the next year, because I don't think anybody else can.

"Shooter" and haircut

Since today was my real last day of freedom, before I start having to get back to the grind of studying and classes, I went out today. Not a real biggie for most people but considering my condition, it's just amazing that I get any sunlight at all. If I had a job that let me work at home, I would rarely go out at all. I know that's unhealthy but the real world doesn't excite me and
I rather detest most of reality anyway.

So what did I do? From the title of this entry, you can gather that I went to watch the movie "Shooter" starring Mark Wahlberg and got my haircut. Yes, I know not very exciting but I hate going out, so it was very exciting for me.

As most who know me know, I was rather fanatical about movies. Not so nowadays, since I don't know much about Hollywood or current movie news, I don't know what is coming out and my enthusiasm has waned a bit, no make that a lot. But I still retain my critic skills when watch a movie. "Shooter" wasn't all that good - it was rather predictable and Mark Wahlberg was mumbling the whole way through the movie. Talk about bad sound! Just save your money and watch something else. I only went to watch because I have enormous respect for snipers. They have to pick a target metres away, taking into consideration curvature of the earth, wind and rather factors and not get detected. The only thing that I don't respect about snipers is that most of their targets are human.

After the predictable movie and watch young children trying to ice skate while feasting on McD's, I went to my usual barber for my usual haircut. I think everybody has their own barber that they trust, because hair is important for self-image. Screw it up and you got laughter behind your back for the next couple of months. I trust this guy since he knows how I want my hair. Plus the added bonus is that he supports the same football team I do (Arsenal, in case your wondering). We talk about the latest games, who would leave the club and any other business. The only thing I don't trust him with is my personal life. I still lie to him that I'm doing my internship and haven't told him the truth about me repeating my final year, cause I know he doesn't have the mental capacity to understand my depression. It is a sad fact that most Hong Kong people still have a stigma against psychiatric conditions.

Gosh I hate viruses

I don't know what goes through the sick minds of people who make computer viruses, worms and whatever malicious programs that us ordinary people hate. After having my laptop back for a few days, it has just been reinfected with a trojan horse and I'm trying to sort it out, spending hours trying to find the right solution, the right antivirus software and being frustrated at the same time.

Where is the justification in creating computer viruses? To test out computer security? Use a closed system where it doesn't affect the general population. Hate the companies who earn billions of dollars from computer software? Just attack, not the common man.

Just think about it - it just wastes time, money and valuable resources just dealing with this. I was thinking of a conspiracy theory that software companies produce these vicious beasts just so people will buy their products but since most programs are free nowadays, that has just muted my hypothesis.

Well hopefully I can kill this virus before I start classes again - have to hate to deal with this and I don't need it.

A new beginning

Finally my laptop has been repaired. Just a virus it turned out, instead some physical problems. It will take a few moments to get my settings back in order (I didn't back that up), re-install some programs and put my documents back in order (which I did back, thank goodness).

To update what I have done in the past few days, I haven't done much than study all day. I'm getting ready for my last chance at graduate with my medical degree. I think I need to tell you more but later on, when I'm ready.

Crash and burn

I won't be able to post as many entries into my blog for the next few days, seeing that my laptop's hard drive decided to crash and burn on me. Thankfully I was backing up my hard drive and haven't lost too many files. I managed to save my pornography.

I often wondered if companies intentionally do this, make products this bad just so we have to keep buying stuff. My laptop is only three and half years old and my previous laptop lasted much longer than that. I have always vowed that this would my last Microsoft powered laptop and I will switch over to Apple as soon as possible.

So once I finish recovering my hard drive I should be back in business.

Care and share

Not feeling great recently. The recent cold weather has given me a cold and a cough. Two thousand years of medicine and we still don't have a cure for the common cold! Have to make do with lots of hot ginger Coca-Cola (yes, you read that right).

I'm going to continue to rant about online community websites. There are good aspects about them - you can get to keep in touch with friends you have lost contact over the years. But there are so-called "friends" you don't want to get in contact with. You finally realize over the years that you have nothing in common, the only fact you have is that you went to school with them over ten years ago. If they didn't want to keep in contact with you, there must be a logical explanation and sometimes that reason is harsh.

For me, it probably is just the need to have friends, since I seem to have so few. I'm living in the past, where people regular contacted me. But most people live in the present, with friends they see every day and talk to, not to friends they had ten years ago.

If they were your true friends, you wouldn't need these websites to keep in touch. You would already have their contact details and would be exchange emails or phone calls regularly.

Against I'm just living in the past.

Too many community website

I'm taking a break from my usual "Dora is a bitch" bashing by complaining about something else - the online community websites.

Right now I have profiles at Bebo, Facebook, Friendster, Friends Reunited and MySpace. I think it is a good idea to have these sites but I just can't be bothered to have so many. I just can't be bothered in keeping my profiles up-to-date, with all the profiles and pictures needing to be kept current. Why can't we just have one site which perform all these functions? I just sorted the problem by just referring on each page that I have profiles on other community websites.

I hate weddings

The only major event that has happened to me, apart from the announcement that I can go back to school, is one of my closest friend's wedding. I was a bit apprehensive about this. It felt that I was losing a close friend, even though she has just married a great guy. I know they would want to spend more time together, which is less time than me. That last statement came out as selfish and that is correct. I wish I didn't feel this way but I do.

Another reason why I was apprehensive in turning up to the wedding is that I had to meet people I previously know and tell them I just turned out to be a huge failure in life. Even if it is your so-called friends have difficulty in reacting on what you say. Even though it is no fault of their own, I rather be not put in that situation. Let's just say some people handle it better than others. One person, Andrew Lai, was a prime example of how not to handle a person who is going through difficulties. He rather treated it like a piece of curious news rather than with an empathy. I'm just glad he's not a psychiatrist.

Two friends I wanted to avoid at the wedding, with specific instructions handed to the bride Evelyn telling her I do not want to be within ten feet of them, were Mercedes and Dora. Mercedes has just come elusive to me. She hardly writes or contacts me and it was through two other friends that I knew she came to Hong Kong to visit a few years ago. Even if she didn't have time to say hi, I would have like to known what she is doing. The fact that makes it worse is that I felt particularly close to her, as a true friend that I could count on. Now I just feel abandoned by somebody who has no remorse on what effect she has on other people.

Dora, on the other hand, is just Dora. She has no remorse. She is a manipulative, spoilt, self-centred bitch. In my next entry, I will probably elaborate on two incidents on why I view Dora the way I do.

So did I go to the wedding? Yes of course I did. I wanted to be happy for my friend plus I know I had to re-enter society, even though I hate it. But that's a story for next time