Wanting to be a part of something

I wish whenever there is a wedding, a barbeque or a get-together at a bar, that I am invited. I wish people would tell me how they are doing and it's been a long time since we last met. I wish my old friends would contact me and reminisce about the good old days whilst reminding me of what they are doing, what kind of relationship they are in and, God forbid, if they have little munchkins running around making their life a misery.

But you don't always get what you wished for. I don't get invited to people's weddings, barbeques or drinking sessions. Not everyone wants to contact me. I always hear news about other people from someone else.

Yet there are reasons (and not excuses) for this. I wasn't particularly close to many people, so I shouldn't expect an invite to go out. I can count the number of friends I'm close to and bother keeping in contact with me on my hands (Evelyn, Poemen, Herbert, Simon, Connie, Theola, Arthur, Jasmine). Some people don't know how to contact me, having lost touch for so many years. When they do, my mobile phone is usually on vibrate so I don't often pick up or it takes me so long to reply its not worth bothering reading the answer.

And maybe I cannot go to whatever event they invite me to. I hate going to sing at Hong Kong karaoke bars. I hate the way Hong Kong people barbeque. I don't like the fact that bars are all dark so that you can never see the person if he or she is sitting right next to you and that the music is so loud it is impossible to have a conversation. I hated the last (and so far only) wedding I went to, since I didn't have much in common with the fellow guests and felt really isolated. I hate to keep hurting myself by stabbing my arm with a fork to get rid of that dread feeling of depression that washes over me when I feel like that. So many of my friends live abroad that I would have turned down their invitations anyway.

I want to be a part of a community but want to be left alone at the same time...