Monday, September 10, 2007

The beginning of a downward spiral

When I first started out this blog, my intention was to give an insight to how somebody with depression lives. Up till now I haven't had a true depressive episode which I could write about... until now.

The signs were there for quite a while. I had been having poor concentration and motivation to study when my current psychiatry clerkship started about two weeks ago. I have also started to become slightly paranoid at how one of my teachers has treated me. I don't if it is because I missed a day of teaching because I had the flu or that she knows I have failed miserably before and have depression and just wants me kicked out of medical school. She just seems to treat me differently from everybody else in the group. Seeing my friends again hasn't helped either. I like seeing my friends but when it comes down to what we have been doing, this is when I get depressed. They have amusing tales of what has happened at work, which friends are getting married, what interesting patients they have seen and where they have been on the holidays. And what do I bring to the table? Absolutely nothing. I try not to become aware of this but it just depresses me so much that I don't want to see my friends.

This has culminated in an awkward experience today which I rather not talk about (since my mother actually does read this blog) but has lead me to bring my psychiatrist appointment early. I know if I don't see anybody soon, it would all spiral downwards and in two weeks time I would seriously considering how to jump off a tall building without a parachute. People think it is easy to apply the brakes at this juncture but it is not, especially when you have this mode of thinking.

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