Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Failing my Finals... again

I'm not going to write a dramatic lead-in for this blog entry. Suffice to say, I got a phone call on Monday evening from one of the faculty's administrative officers saying 'my performance in Finals MBBS was unsatisfactory' and I have to see the board on Wednesday. I knew from the moment I saw the phone number what had happened and I got the inevitable chest discomfort and burning sensation in my arms.

"So how am I feeling?" as my mother asks every five minutes. Naturally I'm saddened by the news but not overtly so. Perhaps I've grown accustomed to bad news over the years leading to gradual numbness whenever something like this occurs. To be honest I think my mother is more worried about this than I am. I know worrying won't help the situation. Fretting would just serve no purpose as you can do nothing about it.

I tend to have the feeling of paranoia most often. I often think the faculty just want to get rid of me and won't let me graduate with a medical degree for some reason. I know it sounds stupid but when people become desperate or let their emotions govern their thoughts (i.e. parents), they tend to think of ludicrous ideas.

I do have the feeling of being punished by God, that I have done something in life to deserve this and I see bad people (or people I don't agree with) get on by. I just know God is fair and that he has no say or right over events on Earth. This is free will at work and nothing else. God doesn't just pick some people to do well and others to have a bad life. As Albert Einstein once said, "God does not play dice." Other people like one of my friends, Mercedes, thinks it is God's way of testing me. I really wish God had a different way of testing me, instead of wasting four years of my life.

At these times my feeling of inferiority becomes more prominent. All my friends are working and I don't think anybody in the world has taken nine years to get their first degree. Whenever I meet up with anybody I know I feel like I do not deserve to be in their presence. There is also the awkward situation of explaining what has happened to me. Not a lot of people handle it very well and some people are not very tactful about it - Andrew Lai springs to mind when I met him at a wedding last year.

It is the same with this situation. Some people have handled it well, like Evelyn and Kandice. There are people who might have been a bit better at handling the situation, like Chrissy who was more worried about her passing after finding out that I had received a phone call. Then there are people like Connie, who are ditsy and airheaded most of the time and ignored the 'un' part when reading my Facebook status - Kenneth Leung is very very UNhappy after finding out his exam results. At times I wish I was like Connie - ignorant, airheaded, stupid - enough to ignore the feelings I have. I wish I was more ruthless and more of a psychopath, not caring what others thought of me and what I thought of others.

In essence I wish I was more normal...

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