Monday, May 02, 2016

The lack of drive

I touched upon the subject of my lack of drive in a previous post back in August 2015. I thought the situation would change but the lack of drive continues to persist. Even trying to sum up the will to write this post took several months. Only because I want to write about another subject that I have to write about the lack of drive so that the next post makes any sense.

I looked back at my previous post and found nothing has really changed. My reasons for the lack of drive is the same. I still haven't done what I am supposed to do for my higher training: my consultation videos, my notes for the practice assessment, my clinical audit. Even the fear of being left behind, having fellow doctor friends or doctors who are younger than me being resident specialists, associate consultants or consultants, doesn't motivate me into trying. Here I am, still pondering about emigrating to another country or planning my epic months-long holiday (I've added a cross country trip of Japan into the lexicon, either as a rail journey or a road trip). I've excluded my ambition to join MSF as I know my depression will get in the way. When I'm really unmotivated to do anything, I become very obsessive-compulsive about doing meaningless tasks, i.e. planning my epic North American / European / Japanese trips, despite them being at least 2.5 years away. I watch / listen to TV/radio programmes I have watched / listened to before, instead of engaging into new stuff.

I've tried to find other reasons why I'm not motivated. Is it the fear of the stress that will be entailed if I do my Exit Examination? I've seen other doctors go through the endeavour and the whole process frightens me. I fear of relapsing into a major depressive state, something I never want to happen again. There have been many senior colleagues who have said the Exit Examination isn't hard but they didn't rule out the process will be stressful. I have learned I cannot handle stress well (hence why I won't be apply for MSF). One recent event has made me quite sombre lately (which I will write about later).

So what am I doing to help my motivation. I've agreed to participate in a clinical trial, to see if repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation will help. Basically it is using a device to produce magnetic waves so it will stimulate my brain into being happier and more motivated. I'm in week 3 of 4 into the treatment and I don't think anything has changed. I know with this method of treatment that the results may not be seen immediately.

However in the end I know most of the motivation has to come within. But how do I motivate myself to become motivated?

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