Down in the doldrums.... again

I have been accused by an anonymous reader of being too negative in my blog. Unfortunately he/she didn't leave an email address for me to reply to say that is the whole point of my blog. This is suppose to be an avenue for my depression to dissipate itself to the wider world instead of ruminating in my mind, causing more havoc. If you don't like what you see, then don't read it - simple as that.

I'm going to further disappoint that anonymous reader as this blog entry is going to be another depressing read. For the past few weeks a low mood has been creeping up on me. I shouldn't have this problem anymore. I take my anti-depressants regularly and attend my follow-ups as scheduled. I work in an respectable profession, helping sick people to their ailments. I get paid quite handsomely enough to live comfortably, since I don't have to pay rent, not in debt or don't have to support anybody since my parents are financially well off. I stay in contact with my friends but don't get to meet them as often as I like.

And that's where it starts - trying to look at the bad sides of things. Before long I'm back looking at all the standard stuff when I'm depressed: I'm 31, single, still a virgin (interpret yourself if that is a good or bad thing), still living with my parents and still have depression which requires anti-depressants (and quite a high dose as it is).

Yet there are things which have contribute to my low mood. There are little triggers which accumulate to eventually break the camel's back. Annoying drivers who do not indicate with their lights when they are going to change lanes or take a turn. Demanding patients who ask about four different problems in a consultation that is supposed to last seven minutes. Acquaintances on Facebook putting up hundreds of photos of their babies in the same position.

And what was the final straw? Learning that one of my good friends is pregnant. I should be happy for her and her husband, and I am, but I'm also sad for myself. That's what you get when you're a depressive. You don't care about everybody else and their problems, you get selfish and care for yourself. Forget about all the poverty, disasters and deaths in the world, you only care that you don't have a girlfriend in your life. Forget that other friends older, better looking and more intelligent than you are still single, you only care about yourself. And I hate myself for think about that way.

As the usual disclaimer, I don't expect people to pay attention. Actually it is better that you don't pay attention, since it feeds my depression more. I don't expect anybody to help either since it is my own internal problem. I just wish for better drivers in Hong Kong and for people to stop putting so many photos into the albums without even sorting them out. Then I can stop whining about that stuff.