I had an epiphany when I was in Singapore last week. I just finished watching "Supergirl" and fallen madly in love with Nicole Maines, who plays Nia Nal/Dreamer. She is beautiful, funny, courageous - the ideal perfect lady. Then it struck me - I would never have a woman like her. I had fallen down this rabbit hole before and it leads to relapse of my depression. Watching "The Wedding Crashers" and falling in love with Rachel McAdams. Binging on "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" and swooning at Melissa Fumero. Time and time again, I find myself wanting a romantic relationship but knowing with my "condition" that it will never happen. I'm too much of depressive, fearing rejection and heartache.
I am prime incel material - I'm single obese male, in his early forties and still a virgin living with his parents. I never had a meaningful romantic relationship and have had people telling me I should be able to find a partner since I'm a doctor. What separates me from the rest of the incel population is insight - I know I have depression, I know I should lose weight and I should know to get off my backside to find the woman I want.
That is when the epiphany hit me. I should be gearing myself to Nicole Maines. Sure, she lives in Hollywood, is seventeen years younger than me and I have no interest in her in "Yellowjackets". But that is where the focus lies - getting myself in that region to be that person that some might find attractive.
It's only been a few days but I've started exercising, performing errands which I should have completed months ago and actually started to study - something I haven't really done for seven years. Can I sustain this momentum. The depressive part of me thinks I won't. I'm hoping that I can.