I haven't been posting much on this blog, since I have the avenue of Facebook now. However this topic is one I cannot publish on any of the social media I am on. The reason why I will reveal later.
I met my best friend during the first year of medical school. She was (and still is) beautiful, kind and funny. Like every teenage male with raging hormones, I fell in love with her instantly. There was just one problem - she didn't love me and was already in a relationship. She could sense my feelings towards her and let me down gently (or as gently as you can when you are being friend-zoned). There was nothing that I can do but accept the situation.
Her relationship with her boyfriend continued over the years. They got married, have successful careers as doctors and have kids. She continued to be my best friend (but not necessarily out friendship was the same the other way around - her best friend was definitely somebody else). She was there when I struggled with my depression and through medical school. She was there when I tried to commit suicide and was hospitalized. She was there when I broke down in my first few days as an intern. She joined me at concerts and comedy gigs. She is one of a few people I keep in touch with over the years. And not once did I say to her how I truly felt.
I thought she had a happy marriage. It was shocking to hear last year they had separated and were getting a divorce. Apparently what you post on social media is not evidently what is happening in real life. Her husband thought of her more of as commodity rather than her wife. He displayed her as a trophy: "Look at my wife, a successful doctor, academic and mother to my children." It is alright to boast about your wife but not if you are contributing as well. He didn't help in raising the kids, although he has an excuse that he is jetting around the world to medical conferences. What really got to her is how he didn't support her emotionally. When she felt sad, he only complained that she was ruining his day by feeling sad. When she was tired on holiday (because she had to sort out all the logistics regarding their children), all he could say is she was ruining his vacation. Basically he was acting like a rich, pretentious, entitled prick. That is not surprising given that he comes from a very rich background.
At this point I should say I've only heard from my best friend's point of view. She admits that his work is important and that he's good at it. Her husband is a really nice guy who I don't have any animosity towards. He is better than me in so many ways - emotionally, physically, financially, academically and professionally. I don't want them to get divorced, for the sake of themselves and their children. I told my mother about their situation and she said that all men act like that, even her husband / my father.
When she told me she was getting divorced, the news brought up my repressed feelings towards her. I started to fantasize what it would be like to actually date her. Immediately I had to remove those thoughts, since I know it would crush me inside. but like the old phrase it is easier said than done. Of course I haven't told her how I feel about her - that would ruin her and our friendship. I can't talk to anybody about this. She would normally be the go-to-person for this kind of thing. I can't talk about it on any of my social media, since either she or her husband are on them. This blog is my only outlet, even though there is a small risk they could find this out.
The ultimate truth is I don't love her. I am selfish - I don't want to ruin my cosy existence for the uncertain future of dating and taking care of her kids. I continue to wallow in my depression rather than get better and improve myself as a person, trying to impress her. I know I couldn't let her try to cope with me and my depression. If I was truly in love, I would make the effort and sacrifice to do all these things for her.. but I don't. I also think I don't do these things because I know there is a strong probability she won't love me back.
I've been getting back into TV drama recently, specifically the DC TV Universe. I wish I hadn't because I identify myself in some of the characters or the situations. Unrequited love, loving somebody you cannot have - basically every emotional string that the screenwriters pull to captivate their audience.
There is only one aspect that I truly love her - I want her happiness, even if it without me.