"It's Good to Talk" and "Connecting people"

Yesterday was a rather surprising day. I talked to three of my good friends. Not just friends you would go out with and have a drink but people I can depend and rely on; people who would not judge me. It is suprising in the fact that most of my friends are now working and have progressed in life, while I am still stuck in a rut .

I had lunch with Vanessa, who at times can be a bit of an airhead and blunt. Will she change that? No. Would I still consider her a friend? Absolutely. Now I accept that she's not an airhead and she is honest. That is who she is and I wouldn't change that in the world. Not everybody has to think and talk like me.

It was great talking to her, catching up and doing what we do best - bitching about the state of Hong Kong. I think our idea of Hong Kong is one of the things we have in common. We think differently compared to 90% of the population. We don't accept the status quo and at times are willing to challenge it. It was just nice to talk to somebody who thinks on the same wavelength and doesn't accept "the Matrix phenomenon".

Later in the day, whilst waiting for my group peers to obtain the necessary equipment for practising our surgical skills (or lack of them), I got a call that I would never expect to get. I got a call from Herbert. For those who don't know Herbert, he's a great guy. Stylish, versatile and a bit eccentric. I lived with Herbert for two years but we share more than that. We both went to boarding school in England. We both had to repeat our first year of medical school. We both suffer from psychiatric disease - depression for me, bipolar disorder for him. We both had to put up with the eccentricities of our third flatmate - Poemen (more of him later).

Lately he had become slightly sociophobic. I tried contacting him over the past year with every means necessary - mobile, email, ICQ, text messaging. I was about to go on his new website and try contacting him that way. The last resort was using a carrier pigeon. Finally I got a call from him from out of the blue. It's just a relief to know that he is OK. He's doing OK. The only bad news was that he had to drop out of university, on the recommendation of his psychiatrist (who happens to be my psychiatrist). Nonetheless he is happier about it and that is what matters.

To complete our holy trinity, I got a call from Poemen. He's a bit eccentric, to put it mildly, but he's a great friend and he's mellowed out recently. To prove the point, he has a girlfriend which I thought would never happen. The real reason he called was to invite me out to have a drink and watch the Champions' League final. I decided not to for a lot of reasons:

1. Kickoff was 2:45 in the morning and even though the next day was a public holiday I was too tired.
2. It involves two teams that I don't care about. Just because Liverpool is a British team doesn't mean I have to support them. I don't support Spurs when they're in Europe.
3. I knew that Liverpool was going to lose. Milan had more drive and wanted revenge for two years earlier. I actually should have placed a bet, since I knew it would be 2-1 and Inzaghi would score.

We did catch up on the phone, just talking about how our lives were. He's about to take a good training position, away from real pressure and capable of having a normal life.

Days like yesterday just prove that you don't need a lot of friends. You just need good friends. Remember - quality not quantity.

Fashion and style are not the same

I know that fashion is not suppose to be logical and that when it comes to clothes, I am very conservative and old-fashioned. Nonetheless I find some of the current fashion a bit of an eyesore, especially concerning women.

I thought it was just isolated to Hong Kong but having seen some photos from abroad, I know this is a global phenomenon. I am writing about women wearing leggings or tights underneath shorts, skirts or dresses. It seems to be the new chic thing. From a personal point of view, I think it looks disgusting. I know I shouldn't dress it with logic but when I see a women with black leggings and wearing denim shorts, it is just screaming to me, "I'm a women who is such a prude, I don't want anybody to see my legs. But I still want to wear shorts. So I'm wearing black leggings instead." Why don't you just wear trousers instead? It wouldn't cost you that much, only buying one item of clothing instead of two. The only other person in society who wear long leggings and shorts are clowns. Think about that. Even worse is when you wear different colour shorts and leggings. It immediately draws attention to yourself, in a bad way.

I like women to dress traditionally (but not necessarily conservatively). I like women with skirts/dresses. I know it makes you legs cold but if you want to attract the opposite sex there is a price to pay. The same with high heels - no pain, no gain. With all this in consideration, I don't mind if women wear trousers or shorts, just as long as you still look good.

Which brings me on to another subject - footwear. A bad habit of mine is to stare at the ground a lot. Which means I inspect footwear a lot. For some reason when women wear shorts wearing shoes and socks just doesn't match. For guys, it is OK but for ladies it just makes you look dorky for some reason. If you have to wear shorts, only sandals and feminine shoes (e.g. high heels) would only work. Please don't wear long socks and shoes - again, the clown look comes to mind. The same goes with dresses & skirts - shoes just don't match, only sandals will.

I know this, coming from a guy, may sound hippocritical. I know most guys cannot dress themselves but I tend to think I have a bit of dress sense. I know I still dress like I am in high school but at least I don't make myself stand out in a bad way. Unlike some women...

And isn't most of the time the way you dress is suppose to attract the opposite sex?

Some dog photos

And now for something completely different...

Some of you know that I (or should I say my parents) have two dogs. Simba is a four and half years old male golden retriever whilst Nala is a two year old female golden retriever. Both are from the same breeder and are distantly related.

As those who are using Facebook know, I have posted some baby photos. For those who have not seen the light and not connected to Facebook, here are some of the photos.


This is Nala. She's about ten weeks old in the photo and it was taken back in June 2005. She looks cute in the photo but, like a girl, the cuteness is just a facade as she is a homewrecker. Just ask any of my dad's garden plants and my slippers for reference.

This is Simba. He's eight weeks old in the photo. Actually this photo was taken by the breeder, just before he was shoved into a small box and took an eight hour flight just to reach us. Let's just say he wasn't smelling of roses at the end of his flight.

Some day I will post more grown up pictures of these two homewreckers and write a bit about their personalities. Yes, dogs do have personalities.

Beauty and the Beast

One of my friends wrote on his blog about feeling ashamed for going after beautiful women. I wrote to him, saying it was nothing ashamed about. Even I still go after the attractive women. It just surprises me the human race still haven't learnt that beautiful women are not what they seem.

I can understand the logic from a biological behavioural perspective. People are attracted to beautiful people because they want to mate with them, thus producing beautiful children and ensuring the survival of the species. Thus being beautiful has an advantage in the survival game. Yet with the superior intelligence that humans have over animals, I would have thought that we would have evolved from this idea. Apparently not, since most males and females are still attracted to the physical form, rather than the emotional. The human race is still swayed by the media as to what is beautiful and what is not. What defies logic is that most men are attracted to those ultra-skinny supermodels. These ladies, although attractive, would find it difficult to bear children considering most of them are infertile (those with medical knowledge will know why).

On a side note, I am inclined to think that most beautiful women don't have a nice personality and the same would go for men. They know they can use their looks and body to get what they want and have no qualms about doing so. Not that I am saying there are no good looking people who are nice - I know a few - but this minority is overshadowed by the people who look good but are evil inside. If you want an example, my ex-friend Dora would apply but for an example everybody can relate to, Cameron Diaz as everybody knows is quite stunning. However in a survey of autograph seekers, she comes last in terms of personality. She refuses to sign autographs and has been known to berate autograph seekers, saying they have no life and should find something else to do. The same would apply to Angelina Jolie. She looks amazing but would you want her as your wife? She probably be amazing in bed but she's already been divorced twice and she 'stole' Brad Pitt from Jennifer Aniston.

Which brings me on to another matter. We automatically assume that beautiful people would be great at sexual intercourse. But there is no reasoning behind that. Of course you can assume that most beautiful people would attract the opposite sex more often than less beautiful people and the frequency of sexual intercourse is much increased. But the human being has evolved from being polygamous. There are beautiful people who remain virgins or stay with the same partner. There is no correlation between somebody's looks and the bedroom technique. Probably the best people in bed are the people who are easy, i.e. sluts and the male equivalent (is there such a word for it?).

All this knowledge probably won't make me stop looking at beautiful women. But I would think twice before thinking about them as a partner.

Brain drain

At times (actually most of the time) I feel incredibly stupid. Since I'm repeating most of my final year, I should know most of the information required to pass. However whenever I am asked a question or there is a problem in front of me, there is an air of silence since I don't know the answer.

People say that depression will do this to you, that your memory and concentration will go. But I don't want to blame my depression for this. I know I went six months without studying and out of the game of medicine but that is not an excuse either.

All this comes after I had been quite good at secondary school. In retrospect might school performance may also be due to my diligence and hard work. Nowadays it requires great motivation to start a simple chore.

I wish I can grow out of this phase once and for all.

Diagnosis: Chronic caffeine intoxication

Believe it or not the local teaching hospital has just built a Starbucks in the main foyer. To me it is quite unbelievable and odd. I don't know why, it is just odd.

When I analyze the situation there is nothing wrong happening. Lots of hospitals have coffee shops or snack bars in their settings. There is nothing wrong with having a brand company setting up in the hospital. 7-Eleven has stores in all the Hospital Authority hospitals whilst most of the canteens in the hospital are run by outside catering contractors.

What about the health side of the equation? Granted, coffee is not always good for you but at least it is better than McDonalds or Kentucky Fried Chicken setting up next to the Coronary Care unit. And if you think doctors eat health, just look at what the doctors are willing to eat in our hospital canteen (and that includes myself as well).

The thing that unnerves me is that most of our young staff will be sitting in there most of the time. How much work will be done now, with half the ICU nurses drinking lattes and sitting on the couches? That's my only main concern.

Of course all this doesn't preclude me from ordering a grande caramel cream frappuccino...

Once every six days

So far I have had three cries in the past twelve days, having gone the previous year without crying at all. Thankfully this crying episode today was relatively minor and hopefully nobody spotted it.

It just has been emotionally trying recently. I see previous class peers attening the surgical congress as delegates and subjectively have noticed more of my previous class peers as doctors around the hospital. For me it just is a reflection of where I am and how far (or really how NOT far) I have travelled in the past few years. I cannot help thinking while the rest of the world has progressed, I am stuck in the same hole trying to dig my way out but seemingly digging a big hole. Everybody around me has seemed to achieve their dreams and aspirations; being doctors, helping patients, publishing papers. My dreams are a distant memory and that brings the tears to my eyes, even now while I am typing this entry of my blog in the hospital library (I really got bored of reading about neurosurgery).

So what do I do? I've got about another six months to go in the hospital and I know I will see former class peers as doctors. Heck, three of them have already directly treated me for my depression! THe only thing I can do is to get on with it. But block out the thoughts is just near impossible...

I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HATE MY LIFE

Today was one of those days when I think, "Yep, God must really despise my existence."

So why do I think that? You probably guessed that I had a bad day. You're wrong... I had a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY bad day.

You're probably think that the day cannot be so bad. Maybe. You can decide for yourself as I'm going to bore you with the details and you won't probably read them.

The group I have been allocated to has been "volunteered" to act as helpers for a surgical congress jointly held by the Hong Kong College of Surgeons and the Royal College of Surgeons of England. Basically we are slave labour and seat fillers. Now I don't really have a problem with this kind of thing. It has been occuring since my school days, acting as guides around schools or being 'encouraged' to listen to talks. At least at school we volunteered to do this whilst our Faculty "volunteered" us. That's a big difference.

So up I got on 7:00 a.m. on a Sunday morning. Yes, there is such a thing as a 7:00 a.m. on a Sunday. It doesn't exist in your dreams, although that what it feels like in bed. So off I went to the Hong Kong Academy of Medicine building, set in the most extreme of places. The obviously built this setting for doctors with their cars, since they didn't think about the minions who work there having to change buses twice to get to work. My task for today was nothing really special - just to check if the presenter's PowerPoints were OK and check for any potential problems, such as videos and hyperlinks not working. I didn't have to attend any lectures that have no relevance to me. At least there were some perks of the job. I could have time to catch up on my studying, I could browse the Internet and there were plenty (and I do mean plenty) of sandwiches, which were at least edible and decent.

This was the false sense of security that God led me into, just like the calm before the storm. He provided the sense that all was good in the world before hitting you on both knees. I was there in the room, just helping, checking the slides were alright before the next doctor walked in. Someone I knew. Someone who had been class peers with (I still cannot stand the word classmates). Someone who was going to present. Not just some free paper session where nobody really listens. He was going in the session where he was going to be awarded a prize, sort of like the Cannes Film Festival. That started to set off the wheels in my head, particularly the waterwheels...

What makes it doubly worse is that I don't really like this guy. He's the sort of guy who is a bit of a lad or jock. Snobby, uncaring, condescending. Thinks his English is great when actually he wouldn't pass border control in England. I think you get the general gist of who he is. For those in the know, this is the medical student who went to the Macau casinos a few years ago, gambled and lost most of his money, borrowed money from a loan shark and lost that money as well. Before the loan shark could gain back this collateral by chopping this guy's hands off, the police arrested the loan shark and the guy was pictured in the newspaper crying. The guy got away from being arrested and not paying the loan shark back. That's the guy who becomes a top surgeon.

At this point I'm thinking, "Here I am, being roped in to help with this congress and having fritted away four years of my life thanks this depression. And this guy, this unsavoury man who I wouldn't let him perform surgery on anybody, not even the enemies I hate, is now so important enough to be presenting a paper. What did I do wrong? Is this God punishing me?" And the only conclusion I give rise to these questions is that I don't know what I did wrong but God is indeed punishing me. I don't think God is testing me, as some of my religiously fanatical (and delusional) friends have been saying. I failed that test years ago. If this was a test, it's a bit like somebody testing a bulletproof vest by asking your to don the vest and shooting at you with a machine gun. Or asking you to swallow an unknown specimen which may contain the Ebola virus just to see if the sample really did contain a tropical disease. Severe but with alternatives.
Is this fate? I know there are elements out of control but I don't feel in fate or destiny. If God gave us free will (and I do believe he did), then there is no fate or destiny. If this is really my fate, then I rather be dead. I actually considered this for a nanosecond but it disappeared.

I could have just handled that incident. But God decided that hitting me on both knees wasn't enough and decided on all the other joints in my body. I saw four other doctors who I happened to be class peers with at some point, spread over three years. That's when the waterworks started to happen. I was pre-first stage of crying (see my entry nine days ago about the stages of crying). I should have left the congress at that point, saying I was not well and need to return back to my flat. But I thought I could handle it. I thought it was best to face this predicament. How wrong I was. God was going to smash my nether regions to smithereens and serve them with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

When I thought I was feeling better, I saw another person who used to be a classmate of mine; friend called Yuh-Meei who I happened to like a lot. That really tipped the balance. I had gone from pre-first stage of crying to full blown second stage of crying. I was desperately trying to hold it in but it took so much willpower to do so and was incredibly difficult to do so. If you want to imagine what it feels like for a depressive not to cry when he/she is on the verge of crying, think of this - imagine you have acute infectious diarrhoea and all of a sudden you abdominal cramps plus the urge to defecate. Now imagine you trying to hold it in. Multiple that feeling by about hundred and you start to get the idea what I'm feeling.

At this stage, I had to rush off somewhere secluded to release the tears. I had to rush pass by several prominent surgeons and my current class peers to the toilet. Then, after making sure nobody was there and nobody was going to interrupt me, I let it out a little. Not full blown third stage crying but enough just to get me through the rest of the day.

The cherry on top from God was being asked to wear a suit the next day by one of the staff, since I was helping with the opening ceremony on Monday. That would be fine, with only two exceptions:

1. I only got the notice as I was leaving the congress.
2. I didn't have suit in at my flat and nobody could bring one from home.

Thankfully I sorted the situation out and hopefully that's the end of that. Hopefully I can say this episode is over. But in the back of my mind those thoughts are still there. God IS punishing me, what for I cannot say. This is the second time I had started to cry in front of people in nine days. And the worst thing is...

I got to do it again tomorrow.

GOD REALLY, REALLY DOES HATE ME.

Third Culture Kids

I recently came across the phrase "Third Culture Kids" (AKA Trans-Cultural Kids or abbreviated to TCK) while surfing the net at Facebook and Wikipedia. For those not in the know, here is a definition from TCK World:

"A TCK is an individual who, having spent a significant part of the developmental years in a culture other than that of their parents, develops a sense of relationship to both. These children of business executives, soldiers and sailors, diplomats, and missionaries who live abroad, become "culture-blended" persons who often contribute in unique and creative ways to society as a whole."

It is something I totally identify with, having grown up on three different countries in three different continents before I was even eighteen years old. My brother is an even more TCK than me (if there were levels). He can claim passports in three different countries and has lived in FOUR different countries in FOUR different continents before he is twenty five years old. Beat that!

I'm actually thankful that I grew up as a TCK. Without it my perspective would be narrowed and I would be very naive. That said, it has been studied that depression and suicide are more common in TCKs.

There are also lists about attributes of TCKs, which I have reproduced and modified slightly (to be slightly more universal):

Regarding your home country

• You can't answer the question, "Where are you from?" without having to tell your life story.
• You honestly don't have a hometown - you have several.
• Your life story uses the phrase, "Then we moved to..." several times.
• If talking to somebody else about your childhood, you are frequently asked, "What did you parents do for a living?" (and if it is an American, "Where you parents in the military?")
• You are tired of people asking, "Where is that?" when you say where you have lived or where your home country is.
• You know that your home country is not the only country in the world.
• You go into culture shock when you return to your "home" country or had to re-learn your own culture after spending years overseas.
• You know the geography of the rest of the world, but you don't know the geography of your own country.
• You and your siblings were born in different countries.

Regarding language

• You speak two (or more) languages in addition to English but can’t write well in any of them.
• You can swear in more than one language.
• You have to explain to everyone why you speak English fluently, even though you grew up elsewhere.
• Your yearbook had more than one language in it.
• The best word for something is the word you learned first, regardless of the language.
• Conversations with close friends often descend into using two (or more) languages.
• You wince when people mispronounce foreign words.
• Half of your phone calls are unintelligible to those around you.
• Your accent slides all over the English scale.
• You can mimic other foreign accents quite easily.
• You cruise the Internet looking for fonts that can support foreign alphabets.
• You know what expat (expatriate) and IB (International Baccalaureate) mean.

Regarding culture

• You feel odd being in the ethnic majority in at least one country.
• You think in the metric system and Celsius, but also have learned to think in feet and miles as well.
• You will never ever learn to think in Fahrenheit, because it sucks
• You don't know whether to write the date as day/month/year or month/day/year
• You know to use the term “soccer” when speaking with Americans and “football” when speaking to everybody else.
• You have played both American and world sports and follow at least one team from America and one team elsewhere in the world.
• Rain on a tile patio - or a corrugated metal roof - is one of the most wonderful sounds in the world.
• American culture is either foreign and fascinating to you or it bores you to death.

Regarding daily life

• When something unusual happens,it doesn't seem to phase you as being something out of the ordinary
• You haggle with the checkout clerk for a lower price.
• Your blood is not eligible for donation.
• You bring tissue paper when ever you had to use a public lavatory.
• You read the international news before the local news and the comics.
• You automatically take off your shoes as soon as you get home.
• Your dorm room/apartment/living room looks like a museum with all the "exotic" things you have around.
• You never really use a seatbelt.
• You start to keep your experiences overseas to yourself because people look at you as though you are spoiled for having the opportunity to indulge in a new culture.
• People love your "accent" or make fun of it.

Regarding growing up

• You got to go home three times a year.
• You don't feel at home at home anymore
• You start introducing yourself followed by your country of origin.
• You have little or no contact with he locals but are best friends with people across the globe You had a domestic helper (and probably a driver) in your childhood.
• You live at school, work in the tropics, and go home for vacation.
• Your wardrobe can only handle two seasons - wet and dry.
• It wasn't unusual to find a lizard or cockroach in your house.
• You regularly made long distance calls as much as local calls.
• You never had a job until you reached college

Regarding technology

• You use MSN/ICQ because you know it's cooler than AIM (and the rest of the world uses it).
• You own personal appliances with 3 types of plugs, know the difference between 110 and 220 volts, 50 and 60 cycle current, and realize that a transformer isn't always enough to make your appliances work.
• You fried a number of appliances during the learning process.
• You’re address & phone book is actually an email & mobile phone book.
• Everybody had a mobile phone when they entered school (and I don’t just mean high school).

Regarding entertainment

• You have watched TV programmes from at least three different countries dubbed into different languages and don't find this strange at all.
• You watch a movie set in a 'foreign country' and you know what the nationals are really saying into the camera.
• When a film is set in a ‘foreign’ country, you automatically know when the actors, language and setting they are using are not from that country.
• Your music is in three different languages and from three different countries.
• You frequently buy pirated computer games, video games, movies and music.
• When you return home, you watch all the local TV channels, no matter how crap the programs are.
• You constantly feel like you have to catch up with TV programs, actors and other people or songs you are not familiar with
• You hate the subtitles to movies and TV programs because you know they translate them incorrectly.
• You miss the subtitles when you see the latest movie.

Regarding school and friends

• You’re friends come from four different continents and at least ten different countries.
• You spent your high school years in bars and pubs without having to show some identification.
• Your minor or alternative major at university is a foreign language you already speak or you did A Levels/GCSEs of your own language before anybody else did their A Levels/GCSEs.
• You've gotten out of school because of monsoons, bomb threats, and/or popular demonstrations.
• Your class trips entailed going to a foreign country.
• When in (boarding) school, you can only call your parents at 8am and 8pm.
• You frequently bumped into your old school teachers.
• When other students complain about wanting to go home and they live in the next state or next town you laugh out loud or to yourself.
• Talking to your school office and getting signatures from your parents must be planned in advance.
• You think that high school reunions are all but impossible
• You don't think it’s strange that you haven't talked to your best friend in a while because you know you will always have a unique bond.
• You've dated people from other countries
• You are afraid to go back to visit your school because you know no one will be there that you used to know, they all moved.
• The tuition that you pay in one quarter/term/semester is equivalent to what your fellow schoolmates pay in a WHOLE YEAR!

Regarding food

• You go to any restaurant and have to put lots of chilli sauce on your food or wonder why there is no chilli sauce or soy sauce available.
• You can name the ingredients in any 'foreign' dish.
• You will or have eaten any kind of foreign dish, no matter how nasty looking or disgusting it sound.
• Initially you did get food poisoning when eating foreign dishes but no longer get diarrhoea when you eat any kind of foreign dish.
• You complain about the quality of rice they serve at school
• You miss the cheap and delicious food from home.

Regarding travel

• You actually physically owned a passport before you were 18 years old.
• You own a foreign passport or more than one passport.
• You had pages added to your passport.
• You actually use two passports – one to get into your home country and one to get into your country where your school is.
• Your passport has more stamps than a post office
• You flew on an airplane before you could walk.
• You can speak with authority on the quality of international airline travel.
• You know nothing is worth buying in airports, apart from duty free.
• You had frequent flyer miles when you were in high school.
• You have frequent flyer accounts on multiple airlines.
• You think VISA is a document stamped in your passport, and not a credit card you carry in your wallet.
• You run into someone you know at every airport.
• You know how to pack properly.
• You can live out of a suitcase with ease.
• When you return home, half the stuff in your suitcase is for people at home.
• When you return to school, half the stuff is from your home country which is expensive/unavailable at school.
• The thought of sending your (hypothetical) kids to public school scares you, while the thought of letting them fly alone doesn't at all.
• You know the exchange rate for several different currencies off by heart.
• You know the time zones for some of the major cities around the world.
• It takes you a day to reach home in a plane.
• You consider a city 500 miles away "very close."
• You've read National Geographic and recognized someone or feel very homesick.
• Whenever you watch a travel show, half the places are locations you have been to and the other half is where your friends come from.
• Once you get home you miss your adopted home and visa versa
• You wake up in one country thinking you are in another

Last of all…

• You're spoilt. You know it. You're VERY spoilt.
• You realize what a small world it is, after all.

The life and times of a spoilt brat

I recently had lunch with a close friend. I was asked to elaborate why I started to hate Dora, who I now consider an ex-friend. It was actually very therapeutic tell her what I thought about Dora and to see another person's perspective.

Now I don't usually hate anybody. There are times I don't like somebody but I get along fine with them. Hate is another level. Hate is when you want bad things to happen this person, that they should be wiped off the face of the earth. Hate is such a powerful force that usually destroy people.

So why do I hate Dora so much? Probably cause I hate myself for trusting somebody like her. When I was in my darkest hour, I felt abandoned by her. I just don't trust her to be my friend anymore. Basically she is a spoilt brat who only cares about herself. This probably stems from the fact that she's an only child but that is a reason, not an excuse.

So is there any reasoning why I hate Dora so much? Let me count the ways...

Hogging a room

To live in the Student Medical Residence near the main teaching hospital, one has to apply. Rooms are well sought after, maybe due to the close proximity to the teaching hospital, the cheap rent and mostly everybody in the class is living there. For a certain period, Dora was able to live in the Student Medical Residence. But after a while, she decided not to live at the Student Medical Residence and decided to live at home instead. Lots of people don't like to live in the Residence, so that was perfectly acceptable. What was unacceptable was that she decided to keep the room and not keep it occupying. Apart from being selfish, I think that somebody who might want to live in the Residence might benefit. I told her this and she started to cry on me, like I did something wrong and started to make me feel guilty.

Teasing a psychiatric patient

During our Psychiatry clerkship, Dora and her group came across a female patient admitted due to delusions of love. So Dora and a male member of her group decided to 'tease' the female patient but saying the secone male member of her group thought she was attractive. I thought this was totally out of line and told her this. She stared at me with the puzzled expression as she didn't know what she had done wrong.

I maybe more sensitive being a psychiatric patient myself but I think this is totally disrespectful to the patient, who has trouble with her illness. As a person in the medical profession, respect for the patient is paramount and this did not happen.

Constant flirtation

Whenever Dora talks to other male members of our group, it is always in a high-pitched flirty voice. This is so she can get her way with them. I talked to her about this and she seems to think there is nothing wrong. I can respect that view but at times it seems she cannot turn it off. She used that voice in front of a male patient once and I've heard rumours that the only reason why she has got her training post after her internship is that she flirted her way to the job. To accentuate the point, the other person who got the same training post is a lady who is even more flirtacious than her. She has already started to earn the scorn of nurses and female doctors everywhere, as well as the people who were applying for that training post.

Abandonment

When I missed my Surgical exam due to my depression and had to go the next day, there she was at the exam. There she started to scold me about not turning up. At this point, her attitude was poor. I need a more caring way, not being berated at.

Even further down the line was when I was admitted into hospital last April for ten days for severe depression. Not once did she visit me, despite my other friends visiting me. If a close friend you knew had been hospitalized, wouldn't you at least try to contact him/her or visit him/her? She did none of that. I felt at that time she would only help friends when it was in her best interest.

Only after that did she decide to contact me but this time by trying to start an intimate conversation through text messaging. This really was the back breaker. I know at times I am hard to find and I won't pick up the phone. Yet at some point I will pick up the phone. Never in Dora's mind did she consider just phoning me and asking how I was doing instead of texting away on her mobile.

The final straw

After all this I started to send an email to her, relating why I did not want to be her friend anymore. She soon replied, with some valid points. Yes I know I am difficult to find and don't always pick up the phone. Yes I don't tell you everything, only because everything I usually tell is depressing. But at no point did she feel any guilt, like she did something wrong. It didn't matter if she was right or wrong, a little humility goes a long way.

What really got me was the last sentence in her reply:

"In my eyes, every time I care, you just don't appreciate it. Either that, or it just rubs off in the wrong way. But I've never given up on trying."

And what has she done since then? Nothing. All she has done is run to my close friend and said "Kenneth is angry at me." Yes I am angry at her and she knows the reasons why. If she can't figure it out, then she's a little inconsiderate.

Ultimately I just don't like her character and with that the person.

Space on either side

Not a good day today. Myself, with the rest of my group who I am still very unacquainted with, have been employed as slave labour plus seat filling for the upcoming Surgical Congress this following Sunday & Monday. Going to miss out on a lot of studying time.

I noticed something recently that has been affecting me for about ten years. I noticed that nobody sits next to me, 90% of the time. I know most people think I'm crazy and it is all down to my depression, picking up these negative aspects. At times I would agree but I do think this happens. It occurs in any situations - lectures, classes, on the bus - and occurs with anybody - strangers, class peers or friends. I don't have any reason to explain it. I try sitting in different places - at the front of the class, back of the class, middle of the class, to the side - but the effect is the same. The only time that anybody sits next to me is when there is nowhere else to sit.

I do accept people would like to sit next to people who they are familiar with but this has happened to strangers, who don't know who I am, plus my friends, who should know I'm not frightening. I don't think I'm that physically repulsive or the places I sit next to are bad places to sit but it does bug me, even more so when you are depressive nearly all the time.

Not much happening

Since tomorrow is a holiday in Hong Kong (I think it is Labour Day) and the specialty I am currently attached to usually schedules its surgeries for Tuesday, there are very few patients to see. So I am off for the rest of the day.

Recently I sent out a mass email to everybody in my address book, saying I won't be sending out anymore mass emails (yes I know the irony of the situation, so don't point it out). Of course I will send a mass email if something important comes up, like pending deportation, wedding (very unlikely) or anything along similar lines. But for other updates I asked everybody to be referred to here, my blog.

There are reasons for why I am doing this:

1. Nobody has the time to read my emails. Whenever I send a mass email, it tends to be quite long, as the feedback has been. Since we are all busy, you can read my blog whenever you are free.
2. Nobody has the attention span to read my emails. I think this is more important than the first point. Thanks to instant messaging and MTV, I think the attention span for the young adult has decreased over the past years.
3. I fed up of reporting bad news. This seems be the case for all my emails. I just don't want people to feel desmodic whenever they see an email from me.

So hopefully this arrangement is better for everybody, you and me.

Bursting into tears

I'm a person who easily cries. Even when I was a small child, I used to cry at trivial things. I thought I was strange but it was most likely due to my depression manifesting itself.

Yet recently I haven't been crying a lot. I hadn't cried for nearly a year until today and I usually have a crying episode every two months. I am actually glad I cried today. It's something I can get out of the way since it felt like it was hanging there, waiting to happen.

What I wasn't glad about was when and where it happened. I was giving a case presentation to a doctor and was irritated when the doctor asked a question where I had already given an answer to. The doctor saw I was slightly annoyed and asked if there was something wrong with my question. Nearly a year's worth of frustation, depression and irritability toppled over and I said I thought the doctor was not giving a damn listening to me.

The doctor than clarified what the question meant and I felt guilty for accusing the doctor. That's when it all started, the waterworks. There are various stages of crying, that all people can related. The first stage is the glistening effect, when you eyes start to water. The second stage is the tearing effect, when you tears start to obscure your vision and you start to tear down the cheeks. The last stage is the crying stage, when actually physical noise comes out. I was trying not to let it get to the final stage but the doctor saw that something was wrong and was concerned that he/she (I won't elaborate on who it was, since it doesn't matter) had done something wrong.

At this point I could have said I suffered from depression and this was entirely natural phenomenon to me but I rather not have pity felt for me. I just loosely said the problem is not with you, I respect that you have taken time out to teach and I was wrong in scolding you and the problem is with me. But the waterworks still kept on coming. I was just really glad that I didn't get to the final stage of crying in front of the doctor.

I just hope it doesn't happen again in front of another doctor next week. I just don't have enough water in body for that many tears.

The power of prayer

I don't usually pray a lot but in the past few days, I have been asking God for help to get through the day and the willpower not to break down and cry. And I feel guilty about asking for these things.

Let me explain what I mean. I believe prayer is a person's chance to talk to God. When you start asking for things, it's selfish and you shouldn't be asking things from God. I don't even think asking for guidance or willpower should be asked for. If you really ask for something, it should be unselfish (i.e. not for you) - a cure for AIDS, an end to poverty, etc. Not for good examination results.

At times I really wish I could have reply for my prayers.

Two things...

Finally got broadband in my flat tonight, so I'm blogging right here from Kennedy Town! Woohoo! Don't know why that is exciting or why I have to use exclamation marks to express delight but who cares!

Anyway, two things I like to share since my last entry (about five hours ago). Firstly, I sat through a boring lecture about the short cases we might encounter during our Finals. The professor showed us a video of students doing their Surgical short cases in the Finals. And guess what? No I wasn't one of them but I did recognize two people who were shown. Firstly was my ex-friend, the wonderful bitch Dora. It is remarkable that she uses her flirting voice during the examination. The girl has no morals. The second person did fine (I keep her anonymous as I have nothing against the person).

The second thing I like to share was that I finally spotted another Nissan LaFesta. My dad bought one of these about a year ago and I never thought I would see another one until today. For those who don't know, the LaFesta is a small MPV which looks alright but is no Ferrari or Lambo. It actually is a good car since it is deceptively larger on the inside. But people tend to buy on reputation, so everybody in Hong Kong tends to buy Mercedes Benzes (is that even a word) and BMWs. If you are only going from A to B, maybe you need to take it down a notch.

Well have to go to dinner now, so finally I'll get that big entry I wanted to enter later.

Small, little deaths

I have recently moved into a flat with my mum, so she can help me get to classes. As we have not had Internet installed into our flat, I'm writing this before one of my classes in the library.

After nearly two days of the new Surgery clerkship, I'm tired but OK, I guess. But each time I see an old class peer (I can hardly call them 'mates') who has now graduated and is a house officer or resident, some small part inside of me dies. It's that sinking feeling you get in your chest, the 'what might have been' feeling that kills you inside. I know at some point it will send me over the cliff and I really hate for it to happen in an awkward situation, like in front of a doctor.

I know I should ignore it but I can't.

(Not) laughing at the professor's jokes

Went to the orientation meeting for my first rotation today. Got to meet the people I will be spending most of the rest of the year with. To be truthful, I'm not totally amoured with them. They seem to be your typical Hong Kong people. And that means I'm going to hate them. That's because the typical Hong Kong person is your ill-mannered, not-very-friendly, selfish person who I rather be roasting over an open fire than be acquaintenances with.

You can tell I really hate Hong Kong and its people, more so that Hitler hated the Jews. Only in this case it can be a bit more logical. I can find faults with people from other countries as well. The British are still class driven, the French are snobby whilst the Americans are arrogant and fat. But nothing doesn't boil my blood so much than Hong Kong people.

I have two points just to illustrate with you, after only spending an hour with them. Firstly I ask the group representative that I don't have the recent notes for some of the interactive tutorials and I was wondering if he knew where I could get a copy, either by burning a CD or downloading them. The blunt answer he gave was, "Sorry, I don't have a copy." A rather more tactful answer, which Hong Kong people still can't give, would have been, "Sorry, but I'll find out for you." No wonder there are TV adverts on the local channels asking people to change the habits (for the tourists).

The other point is the poor quality of humour they have. They were laughing at the professor's jokes today and the jokes were terrible. Trust me, they were worse than my dad's jokes and my dad does really have some awful jokes.

I tend to believe that Hong Kong people suffer from, what I call, "the Matrix phenomenon" named after the movie. They come to accept the reality around them, that nothing can get any better because this is as good as it gets. An ex-friend exemplifies this phenomenon exactly when she had to ask me "what is wrong with Hong Kong" and I had to give my reasons but still she didn't understand or accept my answers, like I was some lunatic at a mental asylum.

God help me for the next year, because I don't think anybody else can.

"Shooter" and haircut

Since today was my real last day of freedom, before I start having to get back to the grind of studying and classes, I went out today. Not a real biggie for most people but considering my condition, it's just amazing that I get any sunlight at all. If I had a job that let me work at home, I would rarely go out at all. I know that's unhealthy but the real world doesn't excite me and
I rather detest most of reality anyway.

So what did I do? From the title of this entry, you can gather that I went to watch the movie "Shooter" starring Mark Wahlberg and got my haircut. Yes, I know not very exciting but I hate going out, so it was very exciting for me.

As most who know me know, I was rather fanatical about movies. Not so nowadays, since I don't know much about Hollywood or current movie news, I don't know what is coming out and my enthusiasm has waned a bit, no make that a lot. But I still retain my critic skills when watch a movie. "Shooter" wasn't all that good - it was rather predictable and Mark Wahlberg was mumbling the whole way through the movie. Talk about bad sound! Just save your money and watch something else. I only went to watch because I have enormous respect for snipers. They have to pick a target metres away, taking into consideration curvature of the earth, wind and rather factors and not get detected. The only thing that I don't respect about snipers is that most of their targets are human.

After the predictable movie and watch young children trying to ice skate while feasting on McD's, I went to my usual barber for my usual haircut. I think everybody has their own barber that they trust, because hair is important for self-image. Screw it up and you got laughter behind your back for the next couple of months. I trust this guy since he knows how I want my hair. Plus the added bonus is that he supports the same football team I do (Arsenal, in case your wondering). We talk about the latest games, who would leave the club and any other business. The only thing I don't trust him with is my personal life. I still lie to him that I'm doing my internship and haven't told him the truth about me repeating my final year, cause I know he doesn't have the mental capacity to understand my depression. It is a sad fact that most Hong Kong people still have a stigma against psychiatric conditions.

Gosh I hate viruses

I don't know what goes through the sick minds of people who make computer viruses, worms and whatever malicious programs that us ordinary people hate. After having my laptop back for a few days, it has just been reinfected with a trojan horse and I'm trying to sort it out, spending hours trying to find the right solution, the right antivirus software and being frustrated at the same time.

Where is the justification in creating computer viruses? To test out computer security? Use a closed system where it doesn't affect the general population. Hate the companies who earn billions of dollars from computer software? Just attack, not the common man.

Just think about it - it just wastes time, money and valuable resources just dealing with this. I was thinking of a conspiracy theory that software companies produce these vicious beasts just so people will buy their products but since most programs are free nowadays, that has just muted my hypothesis.

Well hopefully I can kill this virus before I start classes again - have to hate to deal with this and I don't need it.

A new beginning

Finally my laptop has been repaired. Just a virus it turned out, instead some physical problems. It will take a few moments to get my settings back in order (I didn't back that up), re-install some programs and put my documents back in order (which I did back, thank goodness).

To update what I have done in the past few days, I haven't done much than study all day. I'm getting ready for my last chance at graduate with my medical degree. I think I need to tell you more but later on, when I'm ready.

Crash and burn

I won't be able to post as many entries into my blog for the next few days, seeing that my laptop's hard drive decided to crash and burn on me. Thankfully I was backing up my hard drive and haven't lost too many files. I managed to save my pornography.

I often wondered if companies intentionally do this, make products this bad just so we have to keep buying stuff. My laptop is only three and half years old and my previous laptop lasted much longer than that. I have always vowed that this would my last Microsoft powered laptop and I will switch over to Apple as soon as possible.

So once I finish recovering my hard drive I should be back in business.

Care and share

Not feeling great recently. The recent cold weather has given me a cold and a cough. Two thousand years of medicine and we still don't have a cure for the common cold! Have to make do with lots of hot ginger Coca-Cola (yes, you read that right).

I'm going to continue to rant about online community websites. There are good aspects about them - you can get to keep in touch with friends you have lost contact over the years. But there are so-called "friends" you don't want to get in contact with. You finally realize over the years that you have nothing in common, the only fact you have is that you went to school with them over ten years ago. If they didn't want to keep in contact with you, there must be a logical explanation and sometimes that reason is harsh.

For me, it probably is just the need to have friends, since I seem to have so few. I'm living in the past, where people regular contacted me. But most people live in the present, with friends they see every day and talk to, not to friends they had ten years ago.

If they were your true friends, you wouldn't need these websites to keep in touch. You would already have their contact details and would be exchange emails or phone calls regularly.

Against I'm just living in the past.

Too many community website

I'm taking a break from my usual "Dora is a bitch" bashing by complaining about something else - the online community websites.

Right now I have profiles at Bebo, Facebook, Friendster, Friends Reunited and MySpace. I think it is a good idea to have these sites but I just can't be bothered to have so many. I just can't be bothered in keeping my profiles up-to-date, with all the profiles and pictures needing to be kept current. Why can't we just have one site which perform all these functions? I just sorted the problem by just referring on each page that I have profiles on other community websites.

I hate weddings

The only major event that has happened to me, apart from the announcement that I can go back to school, is one of my closest friend's wedding. I was a bit apprehensive about this. It felt that I was losing a close friend, even though she has just married a great guy. I know they would want to spend more time together, which is less time than me. That last statement came out as selfish and that is correct. I wish I didn't feel this way but I do.

Another reason why I was apprehensive in turning up to the wedding is that I had to meet people I previously know and tell them I just turned out to be a huge failure in life. Even if it is your so-called friends have difficulty in reacting on what you say. Even though it is no fault of their own, I rather be not put in that situation. Let's just say some people handle it better than others. One person, Andrew Lai, was a prime example of how not to handle a person who is going through difficulties. He rather treated it like a piece of curious news rather than with an empathy. I'm just glad he's not a psychiatrist.

Two friends I wanted to avoid at the wedding, with specific instructions handed to the bride Evelyn telling her I do not want to be within ten feet of them, were Mercedes and Dora. Mercedes has just come elusive to me. She hardly writes or contacts me and it was through two other friends that I knew she came to Hong Kong to visit a few years ago. Even if she didn't have time to say hi, I would have like to known what she is doing. The fact that makes it worse is that I felt particularly close to her, as a true friend that I could count on. Now I just feel abandoned by somebody who has no remorse on what effect she has on other people.

Dora, on the other hand, is just Dora. She has no remorse. She is a manipulative, spoilt, self-centred bitch. In my next entry, I will probably elaborate on two incidents on why I view Dora the way I do.

So did I go to the wedding? Yes of course I did. I wanted to be happy for my friend plus I know I had to re-enter society, even though I hate it. But that's a story for next time

The final chance...

In a few weeks, I will embark on my final chance to graduate from this godforsaken place which is called the University of Hong Kong. I am somewhat apprehensive about my chances - I don't know if I can keep my emotions to myself, trying to contain them and not them overpower me. It seems I am on my own since I have few friends to help me. More than now I need them but every time I feel abandoned.

To update since the last time I have been on my blog, my psychiatrist advised me to take a rest. That meant no studying, something my parents found hard to accept and gradually tried to introduce me to other measures of occupying my time, like learning Chinese (which I found useless). Most of the time I was downloading TV programs that I have missed over the past few years. I was enjoying the likes of "The West Wing", which TVB Pearl decided to shove to a midnight time slot during its last two seasons for no apparent reason. I know only the most cultured can appreciate the writings of "The West Wing" and it was no ratings puller. "House MD" has also been downloaded and watched. I think one of my friends is right in saying that all they do is just diagnose a case a week but at least it is a more accurate reflection of a doctor's life than "ER" and "Grey's Anatomy" where it seems that all doctors do is have sex with each other plus look devlishly handsome/beautiful.

Since British shows are never broadcasted here, I have been catching up with my Doctor Who episodes. I know I am a science geek (I've been downloading Star Trek Voyager episodes as well) but I like the element of science and history with the sense of curiosity both shows have. Can't wait for the new series to start, which is tonight in UK.

I also like comedy panel shows from Britain. Since nobody seems to be uploading "Have I Got News For You" I've had to settle for "Mock the Week", which is hilarious. Both shows take a comedic view on the current affairs and news, with comedians providing the laughs. Not for the political-correct minded people.

The best show I have downloaded is QI. It stands for "Quite Interesting" and takes a comedic view on general knowledge quizzes. It stars the massive brain that is Stephen Fry and a range of British comedians, the best being Phill Jupitus and Dara O'Briain. It does contain British references but it is so funny, I keep watching it over again and again, plus the fact that you educate yourself at the same time as well.

Since my family is skint and stingy at the same time, I did some plastering. It is not as easy as it sounds and I have more respect for decorators and builders.

I have so much say on this blog, about friend's abandoning me, about being afraid of my future, about not able to face up to my friends since it will take me nine years finally to graduate but that will come at another date.

Taking a break.

It's been a long time since I have posted on my blog. I am taking a break from my studies so I can try to get better. I know this is the last time I can attempt Medicine but I really want this degree, after so much time and effort in.

I will post more when I can get enough motivation to do so. At least this is a start.

Not catching up with my Premiership team reviews.

Not doing well with my Premiership team reviews, since at times I cannot be bothered to write my blog. Eventually I will get round to all of them, so for those who are reading (which probably means no one). In this entry I will be writing about Middlesborough and Blackburn Rovers.

I was not in favour for Gareth Southgate being appointed manager of Boro. I am sure he will make a fine manger eventually but there are rules against appointing people with no qualifications. Forget about Steve McClaren being appointed England manager or Gareth Southgate doing his qualifications, there are reasons why these rules are in place - to stop dimwitted, famous ex-players being appointed without having a clue what to do. Why not appoint one of the former assistant to McClaren as a manager with Southgate being assistant.

Whatever manager was appointed, I still think Boro will struggle this season with a new manager and young players with relatively few experienced players recruited.

Positional review

GK: Mark Schwarzer, Brad Jones, Ross Turnbull, David Knight

A slew of keepers but keeping them happy will be difficult. I think Schwarzer and Jones will be the number one and two goalkeepers but Turnbull and Knight will have to move on if they want first team action or going out on loan will be another option.

RB: Stuart Parnaby, Anthony McMahon

Parnaby is one of the underrated right backs in this country. I think McClaren should consider Parnaby as an England right back. And the fact that McMahon is also very good, in the future he maybe considered for national duty.

LB: Emanuel Pogatetz, Andrew Taylor, Julio Arca

Getting Arca was a great boost for Southgate - a player who can play anywhere on the left flank and was considered one of the best players outside the Premier League. But letting Queudrue was a disappointing - probably the best left back in the league last season. But Boro still have enough quality players to fill this position

CB: Chris Riggott, Robert Huth, Jonathan Woodgate, Ugo Ehiogu, Andrew Davies, Matthew Bates, David Wheater

Probably Boro have the best young centre-backs in the country but having no experienced players in this position. That is the reason why they gambled on Huth and Woodgate. Even though they are relatively young and usually injured, they got experience at European and national level but massive amounts of talent.

RM: Gazieta Mendieta, Ray Parlour, James Morrison

This is one area that Southgate should improve during the next transfer window. Even though Mendieta, Parlour and Morrison are capable players, they are not true wingers and are better players in the middle of the park. They need some balance in the side and bringing in somebody with a bit of pace would be good. That would mean sacrificing somebody in this threesome and most likely it would Parlour, who is getting on a bit and probably should consider dropping down a division to continue his career.

LM: Stuart Downing, Adam Johnson

The best example of Boro's youth system, with two capable players in this position who could play in the first team and also in the England national team.

CM: George Boateng, Fabio Rochemback, Lee Cattermole

Another player would be needed in this position. Boateng and Rochemback are great players, whilst Cattermole is a capable player with bags of enthusiasm. They need another defensive player if Boateng becomes injured or suspended.

FW: Yakubu, Mark Viduka, Malcolm Christie, Massimo Maccarone

Another area that Southgate could impove on - not in the first pairing in Yakubu or Viduka but the quality of back could be improved upon. I think Christie should be given a chance but Maccarone should leave and go back to Italy.

I think this would a season of transition for Boro. If Boro can consolidate mid table, I think it would be a good season.

Now onto Blackburn...

After saving Rovers from relegation, getting them to sixth place last season was an incredible achievement for Hughes. But keeping the momentum would be the main test or last season could be seen as flash in the pan. What wouldn't have helped is changing the whole strike force. It would take an incredible amount of Hughes' management skills to maintain their progress. If they can do well in the cups and stay relative in the top half of the table, it would be a good season for the boys of Lancashire.

Positional review

GK: Brad Friedel, Peter Enckleman, Jason Brown

When Brown came in, Hughes was obviously thinking of the future. Eventually Friedel would go but for now, he is still one of the best keepers in the Premiership.

RB: Lucas Neill (Zurab Khizanishvili, Brett Emerton, Steven Reid)

Probably Hughes might consider bringing another right back, such as Danny Mills, but with Lucas Neill playing all the matches and with other players capable of playing at the number two, this is not a priority

LB: Michael Gray, Jay McEveley

Hughes has a conundrum here - Gray is good but not great whilsst McEveley has 'potential' but not enough experience. Eventually if Gray continues playing, McEveley may decide to leave Blackburn and this is not a good situation for Hughes.

CB: Andy Todd, Zurab Khizanishvili, Ryan Nelsen, Andre Ooijer, Stephane Henchoz, Dominic Matteo

With Henchoz just signing, Matteo is all but confirmed to leave Ewood Park despite his experience and versatility. But you have to wonder why he didn't do it early instead of having to rot away for another four months until the transfer window re-opens.

RM: Brett Emerton, David Bentley

See below.

LM: Morten Gamst Pedersen, Steven Reid

The two wide midfield positions do not need any recruitment, with enough capable players filling in the positions.

CM: Robbie Savage, Tugay, Aaron Mokoena (Steven Reid)

With Savage and Reid being the primary choice, perhaps Hughes might like to bring in another attacking central midfielder to give some balance.

FW: Jason Roberts, Benni McCarthy, Francis Jeffers, Paul Gallagher, Shabani Nonda

With a new complete forward line-up, this could be the area where Blackburn cock up this season. It would take time for a partnership to bear fruit, so it could be until mid season when Blackburn eventually start to produce the results they want to.

Like Middlesborough, a major shake up in the staff would mean Blackburn would be happy just finishing in the top half of the table and bring a good performance in the cup competitions.

Now that my shoulders are starting to ache now, I eventually have to go to bed and get up tomorrow.

Surprises

It will be no surprise to people that I am still struggling. I have only been to two days of classes out of a possible eight days. Probably now is the time to get help. Soon

Everybody loves an underdog. The team or person who seem inferiorly weaker on paper but happens to upstage the favourite is always well liked, because they don't rely on skill or strength or money but heart and courage. It appeals to most people because we are like that, not all of us are blessed with gifts or favours.

Two teams that have started the Premier League well are Portsmouth and Everton. And yes, I will be reviewing them now...

I am not a big fan of Harry Redknapp. He's not a big developer of youth. People said he played young players at West Ham United but he was forced to rely on the youth system because he had no finances. So no young players go through at Portsmouth (he was at Southampton for far too short a time to evaluate).

But he has had marvelous results at West Ham United and Portsmouth, despite having to buy bargain players plus free agents. He managed to keep Portsmouth and West Ham United in the Premier League despite being on the budget. Yet this season he has Russian mafia money to spend thanks to new investment (can't remember who the new owner is). Yet he has had trouble attracting good players to Portsmouth. It is the same predicament with Wigan, Bolton and Reading - despite being in the Premier League and having money to spend, the lack of pedigree and glamour around the club has failed to appeal to players. He has attracted some players but I think they won't improve that much.

Positional review

GK: David James, Dean Kiely, Jamie Ashdown

I didn't understand why Redknapp bought James when he had a better keeper in Kiely. James is dominant in the air and he is more prone to mistakes than any other keeper in the Premier League. It may cost Portsmouth points in the long run.

RB: Glen Johnson, Noe Pamarot (Linvoy Primus, Adrian Griffin)

I think signing Johnson was marvellous for Redknapp. I hate using the word 'potential' in football (it usually means they are young but not very good) but Johnson does have that. He has drive and the skill to become the next England right back but he needs discipline.

LB: Matthew Taylor, Adrian Griffin

Not a major department to invest in but getting Matthew Taylor to stay was the best part.

CB: Defan Stefanovic, Linvoy Primus, Sol Campbell, Andy O'Brien, Richard Duffy

Probably the world's oldest centre back pairing. Not investing or playing younger players will be very detrimental in the long run.

RM: Gary O'Neil, Roudolphe Douala

At least Harry Redknapp has bought what he need in Douala but I don't know about the quality of this player. O'Neil is great but he is better in central midfield.

LM: Ognjen Koroman

Another area Redknapp has invested in but maybe needs a back-up.

CM: Sean Davis, Pedro Mendes, David Thompson, Richard Hughes, Manuel Fernandes, Niko Kranjcar, Franck Songo'o (Gary O'Neil)

Lots of players in this position, so Redknapp won't have trouble picking players. Best player he invested in was Kranjcar, who performed admirably for Croatia at the World Cup.

FW: Andy Cole, Kanu, Lomana Lualua, Benjani Mwaruwari, Ivica Mornar

Following his own tradition, Redknapp has bought in Cole and Kanu - talented but elderly. They are great players but probably Redknapp should be investing in the future and not the present.

Portsmouth will improve slightly but depends if they want to invest in the present or for the future.


Now going to Everton, who have done very well in the transfer market. They may have paid a lot of money (Perhaps too much) but they have bought well and what they need. I think they have been going yo-yo in the past few years but they need stability now.

GK: Tim Howard, Richard Wright, Iain Turner

Getting Howard in must mean Wright probably will be going soon. I thought Wright would get the primary position but it seems Moyes is looking for a replacement.

RB: Tony Hibbert (Phillip Neville)

No need to invest here but maybe requires an secondary right-back

LB: Nuno Valente, Gary Naysmith, Alessandro Pistone (Phillip Neville)

Another area not needing investing but probably one player needs to go - probably Pistone.

CB: David Weir, Joleon Lescott, Joseph Yobo, Alan Stubbs

Lescott is a great signing, investing on youth and quality. Having Weir and Stubbs will help his development.

RM: Leon Osman, Simon Davies

Another area not needing investment.

LM: Andy van der Meyde (James McFadden)

Probably the worst transfer to happen to Everton was letting Kevin Kilbane, due to his quality plus his deputy is not that fit. It may mean McFadden will be playing more than usual.

CM: Phillip Neville, Mikel Arteta, Tim Cahill, Lee Carsley

Another area not needing investment but Lee Carsley probably will go at the end of the season.

FW: James Beattie, Andrew Johnson, James McFadden

Probably won't need another forward, with two good youths coming through, but having Beattie and Johnson will be a good partnership.

Just getting what they needed was what Everton needed to do. Keeping the same nucleus is ideal and I think Everton will improve. They will win either one cup or finish top eight.

Haven't done much.

As usual, I haven't done much since coming back to the Surgery Specialty Clerkship. Went to classes on Monday and Tuesday but haven't been on Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. I think the problem is just having to wake up to my parent's wake-up call. I think I need some independence and I shouldn't want to have to think about what my parent's think.

Another event that has occurred is the end of the transfer window, which will stop the ridiculous rumours of certain players going to certain clubs. In continuing my Premiership club previews, I am going to write about the club who did the surprise of the transfer deadline day - West Ham United - by signing World Cup stars Tevez & Mascherano. There are many conspiracy theories as to why these high profile players have shunned big European clubs to pick a small English club but I am one who won't speculate. I think it is a great buy for the club, which may see it now vying for the UEFA Cup and Champions' League spot for this season.

Postional review

GK: Roy Carroll, Robert Green, James Walker
It was ideal for Pardew to get Green. I'm not a big fan of Carroll, primarily he couldn't establish himself at Man Utd despite the incompetence of their various keepers. Also he dropped that clanger against Tottenham (everybody should know about that "goal"). At least Green has time to improve. Plus at least they have cover in Walker.

RB: John Pantsil, Tyrone Mears
Amazingly Pardew actually has done the logical thing after not having an adequate right back last season, by going out and getting not one but TWO right backs. I don't know about the quality of either player but Pantsil cannot be that bad if he was starting for his country at the World Cup.

LB: Paul Konchesky, George McCartney
It was not surprising that Clive Clarke left, considering the form of Konchesky (I don't think he was every dropped). But to replace Clarke with a higher profile player seems lunacy. I would have thought they would have got a player who could play at left back and wing (like Julio Arca).

CB: Anton Ferdinand, Danny Gabbidon, James Colllins, Christian Dailly, Jonathon Spector
This is one area Pardew may have strengthen in over the summer. Ferdinand is following in his older brother's footsteps whilst Gabbidon has adequately taken the step up from Football League to Premiership. Getting experienced cover would have been better than relying on Collins & Spector. They're investing into the future but this may cost them with the present results.

RM: Yossi Benayoun, Shawn Newton
Another area that Pardew should have invested. Benayoun and Etherington are great but Newton isn't, especially now that he is suspended for quite a while.

LM: Matthew Etherington
As I mentioned above, Pardew does not have enough cover. This has been proven now, with Etherington injured and asking Benayoun or Bowyer to cover for him.

CM: Hayden Mullins, Nigel Reo-Coker, Javier Mascherano, Lee Bowyer, Mark Noble
Now that Mascherano is here, how will Pardew will keep everybody happy? Mullins will be the most likely to lose his place and Noble will most likely leave later.

FW: Teddy Sheringham, Dean Ashton, Marlon Harewood, Carlton Cole, Bobby Zamora, Carlos Tevez
Another problem that Pardew will have here is keeping everybody happy. He already had two future English international in Ashton and Harewood whilst Cole, Sheringham and Zamora are adequate enough cover.

If Pardew can keep everybody happy, they are going to challenging not just for trophies but for Champions' League places.

More musings from my holiday.

As stated before, I'm not good at keeping up with my postings on my blog. My Premiership review of each club is way behind schedule and I haven't even written about my recent holiday. Now I have started a new clerkship (surgery), so it will be a while before I can catch up with things.

As I stated before, I was on holiday in Phuket & Bangkok (that's Thailand for those who failed geography) for ten days. I didn't deserve that holiday, especially after not going to classes in the medicine clerkship for three weeks but I needed it. One thing I would change is to go without my parents next time. I said that the last time I went with my parents on a holiday (that time was Tokyo) and I can never see why they can never guide themselves around. They will literally lose themselves in a toilet if given a chance.

Apart from that the holiday was fine. In Phuket, most of the time was spent sunbathing and swimming, whilst my dad hired a car for the first two days and drove us around (with me navigating as usual). One highlight was being able to shoot a .22 rifle like I did in school and also a Colt 9mm. Let's just say after shooting the 9mm, I now know how hard it is to shoot a weapon of any type.

Another highlight was getting a Thai massage for the first time. I had four in total over the whole trip. It is basically stretching the muscles, unlike the Swedish massage which is oil-based kneading of muscles. After the Thai massage I felt like steak after it had been tenderized.

After Phuket it was straight to Bangkok (although it suppose to have another name, which makes it the longest name in the world). We were there mainly for shopping but did spend one morning sight-seeing. I don't know how things are so cheap in Thailand but they are. I bought mainly DVDs, clothes and herbs & spices.

Bangkok would be an ideal holiday for my parents, only because they can muse about how much they saved. My parents literally get a buzz about how much they saved on anything. They will be literally saying, "This would cost so much in Hong Kong but here in Thailand it only cost this much. We would save this much." Most of the things they bought were dog accessories for their dogs.

I really don't have photos of the trip, since I didn't bring a camera and my dad was mainly taking the photos. Like a typical Hong Kong person, he photographed our hotel rooms!

Absence

If any of you have been wondering where I have been, not answering phone calls or emails, my apologies since I have been on holiday in Phuket & Bangkok since Sunday 13th August. I'll be catching up on my messages as soon as possible.

Mr. Colourful

This is another seasonal preview to complement the one I just posted a few minutes ago. This time I will be previewing Sheffield United. The Blades have the most colourful manager in England right now, Mr. Neil Warnock. I would love to see how he fares in the big time,after being very outspoken during his time in the Football League Championshp. Just imagining the antics between him and Jose Mourinho will be quite interesting to watch and hear!

Yet it doesn't bode well for Warnock, on the evidence of his transfers. He is relying on bring in quantity rather than quality, with far too many players on the books. Plus the people he is bringing in are not exuding quality, most having just played in the lower leagues for most of the professional lives. If Sheffield United are to stay up, they need more than grit and numbers.

Positional review

GK: Paddy Kenny, Ian Bennett

One of Sheffield United's strongest department is the goalkeeping department, with veterans Kenny and Bennett. Any hope of not conceding goals will be reliant upon Kenny's form.

RB: Robert Kozluk, Derek Geary

A very weak position for the Blades, with none of the players here not experienced in the Premiership. Might want to get rid of one of them and bring in somebody else.

LB: David Unsworth, Chris Armstrong, Alan Wright

Perhaps stronger than the right back position, having somebody like Unsworth is good but with his age, they will be relying more on Armstrong for speed. Plus Wright is known to be on the way out, so I don't think he will figure.

CB: Chris Morgan, Leigh Bromby, Chris Lucketti, David Sommeil, Claude Davis, Mikel Leigertwood, Craig Short

I still don't know why Short came out of retirement since Sheffield United seem to have enough central defenders - probably they need his know-how. I only see Bromby, Davis & Leigertwood doing well for United, the others are either way past it or just not good enough.

RM: Paul Ifil, Keith Gillespie

With Ifil's relative quickness with Gillespie backing him up, this seems to be an adequate area for United

LM: Michael Tonge

This is where United should be reinforcing. Tonge should be playing in the middle with Jaglieka but without an out-and-out left midfielder, they shoved Tonge to the left. I think this is wasting Tonge's talent, much like Gerrard being shoved to the right for Liverpool.

CM: Phil Jaglieka, Nick Montgomery, Alan Quinn, Li Tie

United could do with another attacking force in central midfield but I think they have enough numbers to get through. Most of the protecting of the back four will come down to Jaglieka, who has a chance to shine on the big stage now.

FW: N Shipperley, Danny Webber, Steven Kabba, Ade Akinbiyi, Rob Hulse, Christian Nade

This is the most problematic area for the Blades. Even though all the strikers are capable and good, none have a reputable, consistent goal scoring record which will scare Premiership defences.

If United are to stay up, it will be more reliant on grit and Warnock's man management than anything else. Otherwise it is most likely they will only be just above Watford come May.

More Premier League club previews

It has been a while since I did my last preview and with the season coming up in nearly a weeks time, I decided I should get a move on. So I decided to preview the club I know about the least - Watford.

Aidy Boothroyd's team is probably everybody's favourite to go down this season. With a weak financial basis plus a very inexperienced side, they will find it difficult to stay in the Premier League. In fact they shouldn't really be here in the top echelon of English football, after sweeping aside favourites Leeds United in the Football League Championship playoff last season.

If they are going to stay up, they will require Marlon King and Ashley Young to get their goals plus some good defending from a relatively young back four.

Positional review

GK: Richard Lee, Alec Chamberlain

Quite a lot of whether or not Watford stay up depends if they can convince Manchester United to loan Ben Foster for another season. The young goalkeeper was exceptional last season, culminating in an England call-up to the World Cup squad. If Manchester United get Tomas Kuszczak from WBA, then Watford's chances of another season in the Premier League are much brighter.

RB: Lloyd Doyley, James Chambers

Quite a relative inexperienced back line starts here at right back with both players in this position with relatively little experienced in the top flight.

LB: Jordan Stewart, Chris Powell

Aidy Boothroyd was clever in getting a season professional to come and bolster the defence. Chris Powell has played in the top flight with Charlton Athletic and has international experience as well. His knowledge of how a small club can fight with the big boys will be invaluable.

CB: Clark Carlisle, Jay DeMerit, Malky Mackay, Danny Shittu

A relative young centre back pairing in Carlisle and DeMerit might be where Watford become unhinged. Get Shittu was good but that is just bringing up the numbers. What they needed was a veteran with knowledge of the Premier League. Unfortunately those players maybe outside Watford's price range.

RM: Anthony McNamee

Another player with no top flight experience. Although he is young and talented, McNamee might become unhinged against tougher opponents such as Ashley Cole (wherever he turns up) or Gabriel Heinze. Again another area Watford need to reinforce in - they might turn to Chris Eagles again after he did so well for them last season.

LM: Ashley Young

Young will be one of the players Watford will be depending to star in this season and keep them in the Premier League. He contributed a signficant amount of goals and will be relied upon to produce again if Watford are to have a chance. Watford may require another attacking player to back up McNamee and Young if injuries start to crop up.

CM: Matthew Spring, Gavin Mahon, Alhassan Bangura, Dominic Blizzard, Damien Francis

Again Aidy has proven his managerial capabilities by capturing Francis from Wigan. With his experience and his box-to-box running, hopefully the central midfield will be a bit more combative.

FW: Marlon King, Darius Henderson, Hameur Bouazza, Tamas Priskin

Even though Aidy has just brought another striker in, this is where most promoted clubs struggle - getting goals. Some strikers find it hard to convert their lower league form into the top flight. Watford will hope that this doesn't happen to King. If King can get close to anywhere near his total last season, Watford could have a chance.

The things hampering Watford from staying up affect all promoted clubs but the Hornets especially. The lack of finance to bring in new players, a relatively inexperienced side and the inevitability for the drop. If Boothroyd can get the best out of the veterans of Francis & Powell whilst Young & King can produce the goals they did last season, it would be close to a miracle if Watford can stay up.

When I can be bothered.

The title of this posting says it all - I can only be bothered to post something when I have the motivation to do so. Like a friend has stated in his blog, some people will post regularly into their blogs whilst he has the "when I can be bothered syndrome" which is similar to me. You have to have something interesting happening to post, for example finding something amusing on the internet or having some significant event occurring in your life. Neither of those have happened to me so far.

The only interesting thing happening to me is that I am seriously considering quitting my medical studies after seven years without a degree. I really have gotten sick and tired being here in this god-awful faculty. Seriously if anybody considers studying medicine in Hong Kong, DO NOT study at the University of Hong Kong. It will seriously deteriorate your psychiatric health and make you a zombie.

Even if I quit, I still don't know where my life will go. I talk to a friend recently and one of the options that I was seriously considering was to work for a non-governmental organization in some developing country. For people who know me, I seriously want to do something with my life. I want to have some significant meaning to my existence. I am one of these people who doesn't want to be a drone, who wants a career, comfortable salary, a nice home with a wife and two point four children with a Mercedes Benz parked in the garage. It may be fine for some people but I think it is selfish and a bit self-wanting. I want to do something with my life, which is the reason why I chose to study medicine in the first place. But I found out that most doctors just want a career, comfortable salary, etc. I need a profession which doesn't feel that way.

Yet seriously I don't kwow what to do with my life...