Hoarding and throwing stuff out

After I finished my HKCFP/RACGP Conjoint Examination in late October, I did something which I should have done a long time. After filling my bookshelves for years, I threw away the notes I had from medical school. I asked myself a few questions and realized the notes were no longer needed.

Q. Did I need the notes?
A. No. All the paper was just notes, timetables and bits of administration. Most of the notes were of medical knowledge which have become out of date. I still have my textbooks if I needed to refer back to any information, or I could just look on the internet for the information that I required.

Q. Will I need the notes in the future?
A. No. Apart from the aforementioned need for information, the only other purpose I could think of for my notes were of sentimental value. Those notes won't provide that. I did not enjoy my time in medical school and have no desire to return to that era. Neither am I going to show my children or grandchildren (if I have any) what I learnt in medical school. It's not like the stuff I kept from primary school, like paintings and drawings, which you can look back upon with some sweet recollection. At least from secondary school work there is a marking to show how clever I once was. My medical school notes does not fulfil any of these functions.

Before the environmentalist have a field day on my gesture, I didn't just throw the paper straight into the rubbish bin. All of the paper has gone into boxes and my domestic helper has been bringing the load to a recycling centre. I have taken things out that may serve a purpose in future, such as ring binder folders and file dividers.

The situation I have just gone through highlights something we have all encountered. At one point or another, we have stuff at home we should throw out but don't. We accumulate stuff we don't need and we don't use. The major problem is trying to get rid of it but not knowing how to. I think the circumstances maybe better in places such as the UK or US, where there are recycling centres for almost anything and there are online forums or websites where you can sell these items as second hand or give them to charity.

I have several electronic gadgets which are either broken or so out of date that I won't use them again. It's taken me a while but I will eventually send them to the local electrical recycling centre, along with power adaptors, wires, cables and a whole echelon of electrical stuff.

The same goes with CDs. I have a bunch of CDs of computer programs I don't use any more. Particularly because I use Apple OSX but also because most of the printer drivers, DVD programs and what not can be downloaded off the internet right now.

It's nice to have more space in my place now but it is most likely I will have the same problem again in a few years time after I have bought more useless stuff that I don't need.

Guessing at BBC's Sports Personality of the Year shortlist

Unlike 2012 where it was really difficult to fit all the appropriate people into the shortlist after the London Olympics, I'm struggling to find ten names that can be nominated for BBC's Sports Personality of the Year award. Of course there were many highlights but getting the number of deserving people to double digits is a tall order.

To help with coming up with a list, I've analysed the situation by looking at each sport to see if they can come up with a nominee:

Football: Even though England qualified for the 2014 World Cup, hardly anybody stands out to deserve any plaudits. No British player lit up the domestic or European scene either. The only British footballer who can even merit a mention is Gareth Bale, who won both Player of the Year awards and became the world's most expensive footballer.

Motorsports: With Vettel dominating Formula 1, Button & Hamilton were left to feed off the scraps. The only world champion of British origin worth mentioning is Tom Sykes, who won the World Superbike Championship. Hopefully he will get a mention, considering the likes of Carl Fogarty and James Toseland have previously been nominated before.

Cricket: With England winning the home Ashes, it is most likely the team as a whole will be nominated in the Team of the Year award. Individually, there isn't really anybody who stands out. Stuart Broad and James Anderson might get a mentioned but I would like Ian Bell to be featured, since he was the best player in the Ashes with three centuries.

Rugby: As it was a non-World Cup year in union and none of the British Isles teams couldn't reach the rugby league World Cup final, it will be difficulty for a single player to be nominated.

Tennis: Really there is only one person who can be nominated. Andy Murray should win this year. He won Wimbledon for crying out loud! No British man has done that for 77 years. He also won three other tournaments, got to the final of the Australian Open and helped get Great Britain back into the main group for the Davis Cup. Plus he's appeared on Mock the Week again - what's not to love about him?

Golf: I honestly forgot about Justin Rose winning the US Open back in June. Everybody thought Rory McIlroy or Luke Donald would dominate the scene but Rose finally fulfilled his destiny after bursting onto the scene back at the 1998 Open Championship. Another leading contender for this year's SPOTY award.

Athletics: As it was a world championship year, there will be a number of athletes in the short list. Most prominently will be Mo Farah, who equalled his achievement from London 2012 by winning the 5000 & 10000 metres in Moscow. Another champion who should be mentioned will be
Christine Ohuruogu, who won the 400 metres with another dramatic finish, which surely will be mentioned when her nomination is discussed.

Boxing: The most likely man to get mentioned will be Carl Froch, having won the WBA super-middleweight title against Mikkel Kessler in May and retaining his titles (in much controversy) again George Groves in November. 

Cycling: Chris Froome will surely push Andy Murray for BBC SPOTY this year. He followed up Brad Wiggin's Tour de France win last year by keeping the title on British soil. He will definitely be nominated but may not win since Wiggins just won last year. Plus the black cloud overhanging the world of cycling thanks to Lance Armstrong's drug confessions may not help his sport's image.

Others: It would be nice to see Ronnie O'Sullivan being nominated, to recognise his status as the finest snooker player since Stephen Hendry. Whether or not he will play ball is another matter. I'm sure AP McCoy and Phil Taylor might get mentions.

As you can see, there is a lack of female & disabled sports people in my list. I'm sure there are many champions who can fit those criteria, for example Hannah Cockcroft and Richard Whitehead, but they need more media coverage - surely a nomination for SPOTY can help?

Just a minor medical ailment

Up until now, I have been relatively healthy physically. Like everybody else, I have had the odd share of the sniffles and the runs. Yet nothing too drastic warranting a major intervention. The only major medical ailment I had was as a child, when I was hospitalized for five days for a fever. The doctors had difficulty finding out what was the cause. In the end my predicament was due to an urinary tract infection and there was no permanent damage. Since then I have been relatively lucky

(I'm glossing over the factor I have major depression, since I'm talking about physical complaints and most people have difficulty comprehending psychiatric illnesses as being major conditions.)

So some part of me was glad when I got injured in September. I know that last sentence sounds weird but something inside wants to boast I had a scar or a major surgery performed. I haven't even had appendicitis before and most people seemed to suffer that.

I was volunteering for Hong Kong Dog Rescue, a dog charity I frequently help out. I was about to finish up, when one of the dogs (I cannot remember which mutt was responsible now) had escaped from his pen. I was trying to retrieve the dog and I thought I had him cornered. He suddenly rushed passed me and, in an attempt to stop the canine, I reached out with my left hand. He banged quite hard on my hand and he was eventually caught.

The dog was guided back to his pen eventually but there was a problem with me. My left ring finger was twisted and was pointing towards my left little finger. I knew I had either dislocated or fractured my finger. If the digit continued to be in that position, I was worried that was going to be permanent damage.

So I twisted the finger back into place.

There was a large crunching feeling to accompany it. I really don't know if that movement caused my finger to become even more broken but I wasn't going to risk it. Whenever I tell people I set my finger back into it's original position, there is always that reaction associated with being kicked in the genitals. People wince at when I say I twisted my finger back into place, thinking there was a large amount of pain. To be frankly honest, there was so much adrenaline pumping through my body, it was less painful than I anticipated.

After making sure my finger was as straight as possible, I drove myself back home so my dad could drive me to the hospital. The drive home was just full of constant swearing and making sure I didn't crash, causing further injury. My father thought it was just a simple finger sprain but I knew something was wrong when I started to feel numbness in that finger. Never argue with a doctor regarding medical conditions!

I waited for about 45 minutes in the Accident and Emergency department before I was eventually seen. Before people harp on about the long waiting times at Casualty, I accepted I would be seen a little later than expected. I was in pain but I wasn't dying. There are more pressing patients requiring attention. Sometimes you just have to accept the situations that arise.

I was eventually seen by a doctor who let's just say his bedside manner wasn't the greatest. He was surprised, bordering on impoliteness and rudeness, that I knew I had to explain my condition in medical terms and that I was a doctor. He didn't even examine me at all. All he did was give me a provisional diagnosis of a sprained finger, order an X-ray (the first thing he did right) and said if there was nothing wrong with the X-ray he would just give me some painkillers and a few days sick leave.

You know there is something wrong if the radiographer who takes your X-ray says, "Your finger is completely shattered!" The Accident and Emergency doctor, after seeing my X-ray, finally physically touched me and admitted me into hospital - the second thing he did right.

I got to see the doctor on-call, who didn't recognize me but I did recognize him as an old medical school classmate. Probably I've gained so much weight since we last met he didn't notice the change in appearance. When he told me I might not need surgery, I would be put in a slab and will be seen by the specialist on Monday morning, some part of me was a bit disappointed. I wanted to have surgery to show I had something physical wrong with me. I know I'm weird thinking these thoughts.

So I was put on a slab, attended my "Diploma for Advances in Internal Medicine" lectures the next day before returning to the hospital on Monday. After I was assessed by the specialist, they said performing an operation wasn't going to help much, so they decided to let the finger heal by itself and I was put on a splint for the next ten days.

Woohoo! Time off work! Not that I spent the free time lounging around. My professional examinations were just around the corner and I used the extra time studying. Yes, doctors are boring since they used their spare time in books. I had already planned to take a few days off to study anyway, so I was thankful towards my department secretary in cancelling that scheduled leave.

The specialist followed me up ten days later, saw that I was healing nicely with minimal displacement of the fracture and very little rotation of the finger. She thought I could go back to work. At first, I was a little shocked I was going back to work so early. It usually requires four weeks for the fracture to start properly healing. I was still in some considerable pain. On second reflection, it was better that I returned to work as soon as possible. I still had nine other digits which still functioned normally. All I had to do was adapt my routine, take regular painkillers and ask my supervisor to cut the amount of patients I needed to see.

I'm grateful I have a sympathetic supervisor, who cut my patient quota more than the recommended amount that was set by the occupational medicine doctor for the first few days I was back at work. The main worry was typing, which most doctors in the general outpatient clinics do. Initially there was a great deal of pain, having rested that hand for ten days and having to move the left hand around the keyboard to compensate for the lack of use by the ring finger. I forget my painkillers on the first day back to work. After just half hour of typing, there was considerable amount of pain warranting an immediate prescription of ibuprofen from the clinic.

There was a lot I couldn't do apart from typing. Whenever I had to examine someone's throat, I had to switch the torch and the tongue depressor around, since I could press the tongue down with my left hand. Examining major joints was a bit of hassle, since I couldn't grip the limbs properly without wincing. Driving was mildly hampered since I couldn't pull the handbrake. So I had to keep my foot on the brake when waiting at the traffic lights. Cutting anything was a knife and fork resulted in an ouch, since I couldn't properly grip the fork in that position. It resulted in me having to ask my mum to cut my bacon - not the proudest moment of my life.

Eventually life has returned to normal. I took my professional examinations without too much of a problem. I don't need to see the orthopaedic surgeon anymore, since I'm no longer in pain and there is nothing they can really do. There is a mild bending in the finger, since the affected area has been shortened, and a minimal of rotation of the finger. Otherwise most functions I can do normal. I'm still on a reduced patient quota, which means I don't have to be as frantic seeing patients.

Being ill can be a disturbing experience. Yet sometimes is not as dramatic as you think.

Showing my support for 'Fighting Talk'

To the BBC

I am writing, not to complain, but to show my support for the radio programme “Fighting Talk” and for all those involved in the making of the show. This show of support is in reference to the criticism the programme received by various media outlets about the episode on the evening of Saturday 1^st June 2013 during BBC 5 Live’s Big Day Out.

On the show, Fighting Talk panellist Bob Mills was asked in the final round ‘Defending the Indefensible’ to defend the statement, “Give me 20 minutes with her and I’m pretty sure I could turn round Claire Balding.” What Bob Mills said was, “She’s a horse women. The one thing Claire appreciates is a bit of power between her thighs. All I’m saying, there is not a woman in the world who cannot be cured.”

To the uninformed person who listened to those remarks or who heard those remarks out of context, of course those words would cause offense. Homosexuality is not a disease that can be cured but a sexual orientation that civilized people respect. Yet the statement Bob Mills made is not representative of the man himself, Fighting Talk or BBC 5 Live in general. The statement cannot be analyzed on its own. Analyzing the comment without any context is akin to believing what an actor or actress says in a film or what a musician sings in song is reflective of what he or she believes in real life.

If anybody who heard the whole programme, they would have listened to the host Colin Murray describe the final round ‘Defending the Indefensible’:

 “No matter what I say, you have to defend it for twenty seconds. For people in this arena, a little bit like when we did the booing (in reference to an earlier round), when we really didn’t mean what we were saying. This is like that round. We don’t mean what we are saying. The whole point is you have to defend the indefensible. I’m going to get it tattooed across my forehead because every week someone complains.”

Colin Murray has repeated the description about ‘Defending the Indefensible’ on every episode. People, whether they are listening for the first time or have been following the programme for several years, have been prepared these statements are not representative of the host, the production team or the Fighting Talk panellists. That is why the round is called ‘Defending the Indefensible’.

Fighting Talk has been broadcasting for nearly ten years, to an audience I am estimating to be a few hundred thousands, not just in the United Kingdom but all over the world and here in Hong Kong where I have been listening for the past five years. The show have had guests, ranging from prominent comedians such as John Bishop to established sportspeople such as Peter Reid who was a panellist on the episode that has received wide coverage. The programme has received two gold Sony Radio Academy Award in the sports programme category. There have been “Defending the Indefensible” statements in the past that have been in poor taste, racists, sexist and fascist which have not received any complaints or not received any coverage. The recent events have only come to light when the show has received a wider audience on a more prominent stage. It is of my own opinion that the programme primarily received criticism for this reason and not because of the actual statement.

From my own personal experience, the production team of Simon Crosse, Mike Holt, Charlie Copsey and Nadia Haif have been an exemplary group of people who are dedicated to their craft and appreciative of the listeners of the show. Thanks to successfully winning a ‘Children in Need’ auction, I was allowed a behind-the-scenes tour of an episode of Fighting Talk. The production team warmly received me as one of their own, going beyond the call of duty to accommodate me.

One statement that was put out of context and for the handful of listeners who complained is not representative of the thousands of people who support the show. I hope this comes into consideration.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Kenneth Leung

Dedicated Fighting Talk listener

Sex and what I keep thinking about it

Warning: the following blog entry will be about sex, with my thoughts and opinions about the subject. There will be many graphic descriptions about the topic. It may change the way you think about me, for better but most likely for worse. If you are easily offended or find reading about sex disturbing, please do not continue. Please note these are my opinions as a normal person and has nothing to do with my job as a doctor.

I seem to think more about sex than the average person. It is said guys tend to think about sex for most of the day. It seems to be linked to the male genetic make-up, that men have to "sow their seed in every furrow" so that the human race can continue. Well that's the excuse men will give to justify being so horny all the time.

(Before I go on, I would like to state implicitly that I'm not a pervert. My thoughts about sex does not have any influence on my professional life as a doctor. I have not nor will I grope or fondle patients, female or male. I am always professional and courteous when performing physical examinations. When I need to examine a sensitive area, I always have a female chaperone to accompany me. Anyway I'm more afraid of being sued by any patient of sexual assault. I want to make that abundantly clear to anybody who reads this, whether it is a previous / potential patient, a concerned citizen or anybody who cannot accept doctors are not robots but human beings with their own fallibilities and their own opinions about everyday topics. 

Right I think I've covered myself legally, morally and professionally. Now where was I? Oh yes, sex...)

I think my obsession about sex can be boiled down to I have yet to lose my virginity at the relatively elderly age of 32 years old. I don't know why I should be ashamed of this status. If I grew up in Hong Kong, my virginal position would be in line with other natives. The conservative society I currently live in has the predominant thought sex should be for after marriage only and only for producing babies. Being in your mid thirties and still a virgin in Hong Kong is not uncommon. Yet I grew up in a different culture overseas and their views of sex are much different. Cherries are popped at a very young age and nobody bats an eyelid at this. Having sex with more than one person in your lifetime does not immediately label somebody as a slag or a man-whore.

Is my fascination with sex a by-product of the frustration of not having a girlfriend? If I was happy being single and using my right hand or the bed, then I wouldn't give this too much thought and be content. Yet I'm frustrated about the single status I occupy.

A combination of personal factors does not make my sexual frustration any better. I'm short, round, wear glasses and not very athletic. In summary, I'm not very attractive to the opposite gender. People tend to hook up with people who are handsome or beautiful, as I have noted when I go to nightclubs. People would rather have sex with good lucking people. I can only imaging fat, ugly people like me must be some of the horniest people around.

It doesn't help that I am introvert and shy. I don't usually go out in the evenings, preferring to stay at home and browse the internet for its primary purpose - porn. I don't go out to pursue women and I know that doesn't help if I want a chance of losing my virginity. Yet I know if I go out and meet women, I might come across as desperate and perverted, as I know these are big turn-offs for women. I'm also afraid of how I react to rejection. The last time a lady turned me down, way back in the university days, I cried for half hour and wanted to kill myself. I now know that was my depression talking but I'm still afraid of rejection. My attempts to attract the opposite sex has been limited since then. When I actively try to chat up women, it never ends with me seeing them again and that leaves me despondent about my single & virginal status.

It doesn't help that women in Hong Kong don't take the initiative and pursue men. Please remember that Hong Kong is still very much a conservative society. They expect to be wined and dined like a princess. If the lady was like me, she would sometimes want to do the chasing other than always being chased. Sometimes I want the lady to show her independence and she doesn't always conform to what society expects of her. It would also mean she'll be open to other ideas.

At the moment I don't want a romantic relationship with feelings. My life is a bit too complicated for that. Unfortunately 99% of women in the world think that the only way to have a relationship with a man is with emotions and especially in Hong Kong. The concepts of casual sex, swingers, fuck buddies, friends with benefits and one night stands are foreign to most people in Hong Kong. I've been trying to find ways to follow this avenue but with not much luck. I have found certain websites but they have certain drawbacks. There is Adult Friend Finder, a website to hook people up but that requires you to put money into that venture, with no guarantee that you will get laid. Also the website attracts women who still want a romantic relationship rather than the casual sex relationship that the group emphasizes on. There must be websites that are written in Chinese which links like minded individuals in this way but I hate myself for not being able to read Chinese. Facebook doesn't seem to have Hong Kong groups like this either.

I seriously thought about hiring a hooker. There are more websites catering for this than there are fuck buddy websites in Hong Kong. There were many things that stopped me from doing this...

1. Price. I really don't want to be paying for something I don't what I'm getting. The prices range from a few hundred dollars to a few thousand. I really don't know what quality I'm getting and the whole experience could be over in 5 minutes. 
2. Location. I'm still living with my parents, so I can't bring the lady back to my place. I'm reluctant to go to a prostitute's boudoir or a hotel room for many reasons, include filthiness and money, which rules out those options.
3. Disease. As a doctor, I've come across some people who have had sexually transmitted diseases from visiting sex workers and I want to avoid that. I could use a condom but that's not 100% foolproof. Wearing a condom would mean I would not be able to ride bareback and I would like to experience that at least once.
4. Embarrassment. I don't want the other person to know I am desperate and paying for my first time. I am also embarrassed about being a Chinese person who speaks limited Cantonese. I know I would never see the lady again or I could hire somebody who doesn't speak Cantonese but I still couldn't bear it.

I could go out more to nightclubs and bars to try hook up in a more traditional sense. This comes with yet more excuses. I have never really liked nightclubs. I don't mind going to nightclubs for drinking and dancing. But for chatting up ladies it is not the most ideal venue due to the slight distraction of dance music deafening your ears and the inability to see who you are chatting up due to the extreme energy saving settings in the lighting.

I'm also applying the wrong type of criteria in trying to get sex. I should lower my standards and just pick up some random bird, go back to her place and just be done with it. Instead I'm still want the same features for my sexual partner as I want from my future partner. I want her to have a Western background, speak fluent English and to be drop dead gorgeous.

I feel I have been spoiled by Western porn and Playboy models. I want the ideal lady to be slim, busty, with a nice booty and beautiful. Sadly not many Hong Kong girls are like that. They have pretty faces, when they eventually get round to putting on some make up, but not much sex appeal. They are slim but perhaps a bit too slim. As I remember from one movie, "you have got to have meat if you want to feel the heat". Getting ladies in Hong Kong to have plastic surgery is nearly nigh impossible. Women in other countries around the world, especially South Korea and USA, are willing to go under the knife to make themselves look more beautiful for many reasons, including getting ahead in their career area, attracting a rich husband or just to boost their self esteem. I just don't think ladies in Hong Kong are willing to go through the pain of plastic surgery to look beautiful.

Hong Kong ladies don't even wear high heels that often. Everybody knows high heels, although painful, instantly make a lady sexy. I don't mind if you don't wear them to work or going on a country walk, but if you are going to a night club and are not willing to wear some stilettos, just be prepared that you might not attract so much attention than the ladies who do wear f*ck me boots.

The same goes with sexy clothing. Hong Kong ladies never wear anything alluring. They wrap up like it's winter, despite it's nearly over twenty degrees Centigrade all year round. No short skirts, no revealing cleavage, absolutely no skin at all. I think I've seen more flesh from a nun than a Hong Kong woman. For once I would like to see a lady in a dress or something figure hugging. 

For the sex, she has to be shaved. Not just her legs and armpits, but also down there. If she wants me to perform oral sex, she has to shave because I don't want to be going through a forest if I have to perform fellatio. If anybody thinks I'm being hypocritical in this situation because I'm maintain my own bush, let me just say I am willing to shave it off in a heartbeat.

And that's the other thing - will my potential partner / fuck buddy be interested in the type of sex I want. I don't just want normal missionary position. I want to try something else - other positions, anal, oral, threesomes with another girl. I draw the line at BDSM, golden showers and getting another guy into the mix though. I do have some limits.

And everybody is going to say, "What have you done to make yourself attractive to ladies? Have you worked out? Have you even lost any weight?" They be right to ask those questions and in truth, I don't have good answers. It goes back to the point I always have when I start pondering about my single status - I'm angry at myself for being so pathetic.

Back in UK

For those who don't know and I haven't been boring with the details for the past three months, I am back in the UK for the first time in nearly 10 years. Not since I did an attachment in psychiatry at Ealing Hospital just after SARS died down in the summer of 2003, have I stepped back on to British turf. It's been a long time coming. I have been in contact with everything British since I went back to Hong Kong, from the news, entertainment programmes and sports. However having physical contact with anything to do with Great Britain has been quite a while.

There are few things that I have observed since stepping off the plane just a few hours ago.

• Online check-ins are great. It saves time, you can pick your seat and print your own boarding pass. However check in early to find the seat that you want. I ended checking in just a few hours before I left for the airport and ended up with limited seating options.
• The limited seating options wasn't too bad. As the flight wasn't full, the two seats next to me were empty. For the whole flight, I could sleep straight!
• Having vacant places next to me meant I couldn't chat up any sexy passengers. Flight attendants, as always, look really nice (even the male ones). This augmented expectation of reality should mean I have got to stop reading erotic fiction and watch porn so much.
• Children less than two years old shouldn't fly, especially on intercontinental flights which last 10+ hours.

I will be boring you with details of my trip later.

Being depressed again (21/02/2013)

Disclaimer:
The following blog entry will be very depressing, primarily as I will be whining and bitching about my life. If this kind of material is not your appetite, do not continue reading. If you don't mind this sort of saddening set of events, then carry on. After looking through this diatribe if you have nothing constructive or pleasant to say, keep your opinions to yourself. I don't want pity, even though the depressed part of me likes wallowing in the self misery I bring upon myself. I also want to apologise if I hurt or offend anyone, which is not my intent. The purpose of writing my thoughts down is therapy for my depression, since I cannot ventilate to anybody right now. I would like to use my friends for this purpose but most of them will be sick and tired of hearing this drivel again, and most of them are busy with their own problems.

Let's begin at the time when I started to become depressed. I recently turned 32 years old at the end of January.

I'm not giving away when my birthday is. This is not for privacy reasons, although that is a secondary factor. I just don't celebrate my birthday any more and I don't want anybody else to celebrate the day either. I haven't celebrated my birthday for about twenty years. I have reasoned it is an arbitrary date, only to celebrate one Earth orbit around the sun. You might call me a miser and you be right to do so.

I'll get back to my point. About twenty years ago, I was asked to write what I had planned for my future. I can distinctly remember what I wrote down:

1. To take 16 GCSEs and get A*'s in most of them (actually all of them).
2. To take 6 A Levels and get A's in most of them (OK, all of them).
3. To study medicine at the University of Cambridge.
4. To be married by 28 years old.
5. To have children by 32 years old.
6. To be awarded the Nobel Prize in Medicine and Physiology.

As you can see I was an ambitious person or very deluded when I was young. To no one's surprise I haven't achieved even one of those goals. I haven't been totally disheartened about not reaching these expectations. When I finally understood how GCSEs and A Levels worked, I was not so disappointed about the results I got. I wasn't so down-heartened about not going to Cambridge. Some part of me, looking back, is somewhat relieved about not attending an elitist university (disclaimer: I don't think people from Cambridge University are snobbish, just the institution and culture behind the facade). At least I got to study medicine and graduate (finally). A long time ago I gave up on ambition number 6, since I know that was an unrealistic aim.

Which leaves ambitions number 3 and 4: getting married and having little munchkins. Out of all the ambitions I haveset myself, these you would think be the most achievable. I never thought I would be at 32 years old, still single, never had a girlfriend or even had sex Yes, I'm going to keeping harping on that I'm still a virgin like it is a badge of disgrace.

I have reasonably achieved all the other goals. I'm a general practitioner in training with a good job. I'm debt free and don't have much financial worries or burdens at the moment. So why should I depressed?

This is when the negative side of my psyche kicks in. For every shining light, there is a darkness that is waiting to engulf the brightness and warmth.

I wanted to be a psychiatrist in the first place after I was diagnosed with depression. I felt I could connect with psychiatric patients in that way, knowing what they were going through. Yet I knew I couldn't be a psychiatrist, not in Hong Kong with low proficiency of my spoken Cantonese. I fell into family medicine as I couldn't think of anything else to do. I'm thankful for this, since I have good working hours, reasonable holiday time and don't have to be on-call in a hospital. I'm also relieved since I realized I don't have the patience to be a psychiatrist. My attention level is just right for short consultations such as those in family medicine or accident and emergency.

I'm still in training to be a specialist because my depressive disorder cost me four years of my life. It took me nine years to graduate in medicine, instead of the five years it normal takes at my
university. Surely that is some kind of record, nine years to get a single degree. If I had actually graduated from university on time, I would have been a specialist resident by now. I would have been on par with my friends in university. Instead I lag behind most of them now. I see friends going on passing their examinations, become specialists, getting married and having a kid or two. People have mentioned I shouldn't compare but it is hard not to when every time I go on Facebook, there is my best friend's husband constantly posting pictures of his son every single day. Thank goodness Facebook had the foresight to put an "Acquaintance mode" for this sort of situation.

Because of my depression, I have difficulty relating to people. If the depressed part of me takes over, I don't want to go out, meet friends or attend social engagements. If I finally venture to the outside world, I have difficulty making small talk. I try to engage in chit-chat but every time I seem to do, I get this vibe that I'm despicable, retarded or any other negative trait you can think of. Maybe I'm just paranoid or self consciousness, which are just as bad.

All of these thoughts were lingering in the back of my mind since my birthday. They've been festering in a liquid of hatred and self-loathing. Having the Lunar New Year didn't help either. Too much free time on one's hands leads to a wandering mind. There are constant reminders of your loneliness. In Chinese tradition, only married couples are to give Lai See packets of money to people who have yet to get married. It's great to receive money from your family, friends and colleagues. However I would gladly trade that money for having some companionship by my side.

What was going to make my situation much worse was on the horizons - Valentine's Day.

Normally I super hate Valentine's Day. It is just a business day to pump money out of gullible people who should be sharing their love 365 days a year instead of storing it up for one day when anything romantic will be expensive. Also it is prejudice against single people.

However this year could be different. One of my good friends from England was getting married. Instead of holding the wedding in England, the bride and groom decided to come to Hong Kong, bringing friends and family over to celebrate. This would mean I would meet my friend's other friends. Now in the back of my mind, I was keeping my fingers cross the wedding would be like the ones shown in films such as "Four Weddings and a Funeral" or "Wedding Crashers". I pictured the scene at the wedding banquet: single women in search of an one-night stand. and I was available.

Was I disappointed? Ultimately yes, if the motive was going to get laid. That's how desperate I am. My thinking is always dominated about having sex because it is inextricably linked to my single status. My mind always thinks if my virginity goes, so does my single status. 

However I did meet two very nice ladies. Both were very different in personalities but both were very likeable. I hope both ladies keep in contact in the future. Yet I always have this low self esteem issue with women. I always think I came across as a buffoon towards other people. I know I didn't come across as endearing, regaling very unappetizing stories of medical predicaments whilst people are tucking into their dinner. This is something I've got stop doing at social engagements.

I did have an enjoyable time at my friend's wedding. I got to meet new people, dance and get drunk, which I have been missing. Yet that negative side of me is always there as a shadow, reminding me of my single status. I thought I would accept that I would remain single, with my unique status as a third culture person, somebody who has depression and a guy with an introvert nature making me believe that this would be so. Yet there is some part of me which seems to say I'm entitled to the opposite sex. "You're a doctor with a good income, well-organized, intelligent and considerate. Why shouldn't girls be looking for somebody like you?" That is all true but there are other considerations. I'm not the best looking or most healthiest of male specimens. I'm always trying to make excuses for my single status, not pointing out that I hardly go out to make friends or engage in social activities.

I've been told that my depression will be a part of me for the rest of my life. Since I've been suffering from the condition from a young age, it will be hard to shake off. I have long accepted that. What I want is resolution of my single status and it doesn't seem to be coming any time soon.

The Second Amendment

After the tragic event that occurred in Newtown, Connecticut on Friday, the question that is often used by us non-US ignorant people is this: "Why do you Americans still hang on to this rule?"

I know the US Constitution is sacred amongst the American people. I don't want to trash it or give any disrespect for it. But can one person come and explain to the rest of the world, after the killings in Sandy Hook Elementary School or even after the numerous shootings that have occurred over the past years, why the American people don't stop this.

I really wish to have an educated debate on this, so lets go back to the original text:

"A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed."

The overall gist I get from the Second Amendment is the US founding fathers wanted people to have the right to protect themselves in no matter way. I have no problem with this issue. I don't think Jefferson or Washington wanted their citizens to go out and kill people just for the sake of it. They wanted normal Americans to be able to defend themselves and be self reliant. I don't like animal hunting but in this context, I can understand why people have hunting rifles for this hobby - that is a legitimate claim.

But would the likes of John Adams and Benjamin Franklin could foresee that arms, including firearms, could get more sophisticated? Could they imagine that firearms could be have faster reloading mechanism or quicker firing rates that they no longer became a way to protect oneself but became an avenue of destruction and mayhem? As one anti-assault-weapon protester said during an interview outside the White House, weapons such as machine guns and assault rifles have no place in common society.

"But it's in our Constitution!" I hear Americans cry. I know its the establishment for your law and order in your country. Yet amendments have been added over the history of your nation. Could it be possible to have amendments altered or even deleted? The Eighteenth Amendment was the prohibition of alcohol, but was repealed by the Twenty First Amendment, which regulated the sale of alcohol. So there is a precedent. I'm just raising this possibility and I would like to have an informed person state why this cannot be so.

Even then, there are a lot of sacred texts that people pick and choose. Does that seem familiar to all you Christians out there? That's another debate for another date.

I know the pro-gun lobby, mainly in the form of the National Rifle Association, would oppose any further control. But can any member of the NRA go up to a parent, especially one from Newtown, Connecticut and state that, despite that most of the weapons used in gun shootings are legally bought, what they are doing is right?

Automatic headlights

They don't work. They just don't work.

What am I talking about? Automatic headlights.

I'm not disputing the "headlights" part. They function just fine. In fact, that is a whole other blog entry to write about, how headlights have become TOO powerful. What I'm ranting about is the "automatic" side of things.

The whole point of automatic headlights is when the visibility becomes too low, such as when it becomes dark or there is adverse weather conditions such as mist or heavy rain, the lights will turn on to aid vision. It is designed for the lazy or ignorant driver who are far too busy to concern themselves with road safety. They are doing other things such as using their mobile phones to talk to people when it is illegal or smoking a fag.

However the sensitivity of the detector is a bit too touchy when it comes to detecting anything resembling light. They don't really work in some conditions of rain, such as a light drizzle. They don't work when it is cloudy - it is still fine not to use those lights but they turn on and blind the driver in front. They switch on when I'm driving in tunnels, even when the tunnel is well lit

I've had to resort to switching the bloody thing off and relying on a thing called my brain to know when to switch on or off headlights. People use to do this back in the old days, so why the need for automatic headlights now? Perhaps car companies should include an additional option to adjust the sensitivity of the automatic headlights. They may have already done, but now on my Volkswagen Golf.

Movember

I know I'm not going to get a lot of exposure or sponsorship for what I'm doing, but the other aspect of the event is to raise awarenesss...

What am I talking about? Growing a moustache this month. It's all in the aid of "Movember", to highlight men's health and especially prostate cancer. Guys are suppose to grow moustaches only but I'm breaking the rule by also growing a beard. I might shave the beard halfway in if it looks bad.

If you want to check my progress, go to my MoBro page.

Contenders for BBC Sports Personality of the Year

I know all sports people don't consider this the ultimate prize of their career or even this year. But I do like a list with the analysis which goes into the thought process.

This list has been updated from the previous list to acknowledge the accomplishments of Team GB Paralympic team plus other recent victories. It was difficult to whittle the list down to ten nominees, with so many British men and women performing spectacularly this year.

Again the order is in how I would place them.

1. Andy Murray (tennis)

• First British men's singles champion in a Grand Slam for 76 years by winning the 2012 US Open
• First British men’s singles finalist at Wimbledon for 74 years
• Olympic men’s singles gold medallist
• Olympic mixed doubles silver medallist
• Men's world No.3 (at time of writing)

Giving Andy Murray the slight edge is four major accomplishments (US Open winner, Wimbledon finalist, Olympic gold and silver medallist). He also still has the change to win the ATP World Tours Finals in London in November and finish the year as number one, although the latter is less likely.

Probably going against him would be that he's Scottish. I'm not being racist, is just most of the voters in Sports Personality of the Year will be English. Also his portrayed dour personality is something against him, which is contrary to actual fact. Watch the episode of Andy Murray appearing on Mock the Week just after he lost at Wimbledon and you'll see his real personality.

2. Bradley Wiggins (cycling)

• First British winner of the Tour de France
• Olympic time trial gold medallist
• Joint most decorated British Olympian

Although Britain has more than its fair share of sporting heroes this year, Wiggins stands above the rest with his Tour de France win. Achieving something no other Brit has done pushes Wiggo up the rank. Winning both the Tour de France and an Olympic gold medal, something the great Miguel Indurain didn't even do, pushes him up even further. His mod style helps Wiggins to have an unique  personality. Yet his achievements might be forgotten in December, especially if other people do other amazing things.

3. Sarah Storey (cycling)

• Paralympic women's individual pursuit C5 gold medallist
• Paralympic women's 500 m time trial C4-5gold medallist
• Paralympic women's time trial C5 gold medallist
• Paralympic women's road race C4-5 gold medallist
• Most decorated British Paralympian in terms of number of medals
• Joint second most decorated British Paralympian in terms of number of gold medals

It will be a tragedy if only a few women or Paralympians get nominated. Sarah Storey fulfils both criteria, not that I or anyone should be counting. Her list of achievements justify her inclusion, winning four gold medals at the London 2012 Paralympics. Not only can she dominate the field in Paralympic cycling in both track and road events, she has proven she can compete with able-bodied cyclists by winning the British national championship in the 3 km pursuit. To make her achievements even more remarkable, she only switched to cycling after being a decorate Paralympic swimmer.

4. David Weir (athletics)

• Paralympic men's 800 m T54 gold medallist
• Paralympic men's 1500 m T54 gold medallist
• Paralympic men's 5000 m T54 gold medallist
• Paralympic men's marathon T54 gold medallist

To establish yourself as a champion in one event is difficulty. To make yourself a champion in four events with a vast range of distances is almost impossible. Not that this would stop "The Weirwolf". He's been acclaimed as the best wheelchair athlete and quite rightly so.

5. Jessica Ennis (athletics)

• Olympic heptathlon champion

Jessica Ennis had completely dominated the London 2012 heptathlon, she could have cruised the final event - the 800 metres - and still would have won comfortably. But she gave the stadium crowd what they wanted, winning by 300 points and setting a new British record. She is so good, she even broke the British record in the 110 metres hurdles and the high jump, despite being a heptathlete.

6. Mo Farah (athletics)

• Olympic 5000m and 10000m champion
• European 5000m champion

Mo Farah became only the 7th athlete to win 5000 metres and 10000 metres at the same Olympics, joining the likes of Zatopek and Viren in history. His back story of escaping Somalia and arriving in Britain without being able to speak a word of English helps portrays his rags to riches story as a fairytale dream with an ideal ending. Plus his "Mobot" stance has been copied by many others, including Usain Bolt.

7. Eleanor Simmonds (swimming)

• Paralympic women's 400 m freestyle S6 gold medallist 
• Paralympic women's 200 m individual medley SM6 gold medallist
• Paralympic women's 100 m freestyle S6 silver medallist
• Paralympic women's 50 m freestyle S6 bronze medallist

Ellie Simmonds may not have won as many gold medals as other Olympians or Paralympians. But she is a repeat winner, having performed at the same level four years earlier in Beijing. Plus she has an adorable demeanour about her, despite being a young age of 17 years old.

8. Rory McIlroy (golf)

• Won his 2nd major, the US PGA by a record eight strokes
• At the time of writing, World No. 1, European No. 1, PGA Tour No. 1

By winning his 2nd major with the US PGA, McIlroy became the 6th youngest multiple major winner and the youngest since the great Seve Ballesteros. And he's only 23 years old. It will be difficult for the Northern Ireland golfer to make himself prominent in an Olympic/Paralympic dominant field. He can still achieve more in the remainder of the year, by finishing the year as No. 1 in three different tours and helping the European Ryder Cup team to a win in USA. Let's hope he'll bring Carolina Wozniacki to the awards.

9. Ben Ainslie (sailing)

• Olympic Finn sailing champion
• World Finn sailing champion

Ben Ainslie became the most successful Olympic sailor of all time, winning his fourth consecutive gold medal and fifth consecutive medal. This nomination is more for his lifetime achievement rather than this year's Olympic victory, which was his hardest.

10. Lee Pearson (equestrian)

• Paralympic mixed team championship gold medallist
• Paralympic individual championship test grade Ib silver medallist
• Paralympic freestyle dressage bronze medallist

Another athlete who's lifetime achievement should give him a more focussed spotlight. Although he didn't pass Tanni Grey-Thompson in the number of Paralympic gold medals, he has tied with Grey-Thompson, Sarah Storey and David Roberts in second in number of Paralympic gold medals.

Honourable mentions

Sophie Christiansen (equestrian)
Natasha Baker (equestrian)
Charlotte Dujardin (equestian)
Sir Chris Hoy (cycling)

Laura Trott (cycling)
Jason Kenny (cycling)

Hannah Cockcroft (athletics)

BBC's Sports Team of the Year guesses

My guesses for BBC's Sports Personality of the Year, Team of the Year:

1. Team GB Olympic cycling team
- Won one fifth of the medals on offer
- Only team to win more than one gold medal
- Won medals in 9 out of 10 events (7 of them gold) on the track

2. Team GB Paralympic equestrian team
- Won one third of the medals on offer
- Won nearly half of the gold medals on offer
- Won a medal in each of the events on offer
- Every member of the team won a medal in the individual events and every member won a gold medal

3. Team GB Olympic rowing team
- Won over one fifth of the medals on offer
- Women won 3 out of 6 gold medals on offer

4. Team GB Paralympic cycling team
- Won one sixth of the medals on offer
- Won one sixth of the gold medals on offer
- Pursuit team never finished lower than 4th

5. Chelsea football team
- Won the UEFA Champions' League, despite being totally crap
- Made John Terry more of a c*nt, which takes some doing

Early contenders for BBC Sports Personality of the Year

In order of how I would put them

1. Andy Murray

First British men’s singles finalist at Wimbledon for 74 years

Olympic men’s singles champion and mixed doubles silver medallist

Men's world No.4 (at time of writing)

Shows he has a sense of humour by going on "Mock the Week"

2. Bradley Wiggins

First British winner of the Tour de France

Olympic time trial champion

Joint most decorated British Olympian

Only cyclist to have won the Tour de France and an Olympic gold medal in the same year

Also won Paris-Nice, Tour de Romandie & Criiterium du Dauphine (just to prove he wasn't just focussing on the Tour de France)

The coolest mod around

3. Jessica Ennis

Olympic heptathlon champion

World indoor heptathlon silver medallist

Broke personal best and British records for indoor pentathlon and outdoor heptathlon

Broke British record for 100m hurdles & high jump (despite being a heptathlete)

Does all this while looking very good

4. Mo Farah

Olympic 5000m & 10000m champion

European 5000m champion

7th athlete to win 5000m & 10000m at the same Olympics

Arsenal fan - say nothing more

5. Laura Trott

Olympic Omnium and team pursuit champion

World Omnium & team pursuit champion

Only one of four British women to win double gold in the same Olympics

Does all this after being born with a collapsed lung and having asthma
Replacing Victoria Pendleton as the next babe in British sport

6. Sir Chris Hoy

Olympic keirin and team sprint champion
World keirin champion
Joint most decorated British Olympian
Most successful British Olympian in terms of gold medals
Trained barista

7. Ben Ainslie

Olympic Finn sailing champion

World Finn sailing champion

Most successful Olympic sailor of all time, winning his fourth consecutive gold medal & fifth consecutive medal
Unfortunately supports Chelsea, which is probably why he is lower down on this list (just kidding!)

8. Charlotte Dujardin

Olympic team & individual dressage champion

Only one of four British women to win double gold in the same Olympics

Shows equestrian is not just for people with trust funds: went to a comprehensive school and her mother had to buy and sell ponies for a living to help fund her daughter's training 

9. Rory McIlroy

Won his 2nd major, the US PGA by a record eight strokes

6th youngest multiple major winner

At the time of writing, World No. 1, European No. 1, PGA Tour No. 2

Another lucky git, dating Carolina Wozniacki

10. Jason Kenny

Olympic individual sprint and team sprint gold medallist

Heir apparent to Chris Hoy

Dating Laura Trott, which makes him a lucky bastard

Honourable mention: Victoria Pendleton

Olympic keirin champion

Olympic sprint silver medallist

World sprint champion

Still the sexiest lady in sports by a mile

Overview of Arsenal squad

Goalkeepers
Wojciech Szczęsny - keep
Łukasz Fabiański - maybe, if he can accept being the reserve goalkeeper to Szczesny
Vito Mannone - sell
Manuel Almunia - already gone

Right back
Bacary Sagna - keep
Carl Jenkinson - keep

Centre back
Thomas Vermalaen - keep
Laurent Koscielny - keep
Per Mertesacker - keep
Johan Djourou - maybe
Sébastien Squillaci - sell
Ignasi Miquel - send out on loan

Left back
Kieran Gibbs - keep
Andre Santos - keep

Central midfielders
Tomáš Rosický - keep
Mikel Arteta - keep
Aaron Ramsey - keep
Alex Song - keep
Jack Wilshere - keep
Abou Diaby - keep (we have got to give him a chance to recover from injury)
Emmanuel Frimpong - send out on loan
Francis Coquelin - send out on loan
Craig Eastmond - send out on loan
Nico Yennaris - send out on loan
Henri Lansbury - sell (let's face the fact, he's not going to get into the team with at least five players ahead of him)
Andrei Arshavin - sell (he wants to go since he is not being played in his preferred role)
Denilson - sell

Wingers
Theo Walcott - keep
Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain - keep
Gervinho - keep (give him one more season)

Forwards
Robin Van Persie - keep (as far as possible, even it means breaking the bank in terms of wages and signing new players)
Lukas Podolski - keep
Park Ju-Young - maybe (I would like to give him one more season to prove himself)
Marouane Chamakh - sell
Nicklas Bendtner - sell
Carlos Vela - sell
Ryo Miyaichi - send out on loan

What Arsenal need
Centre back x 1
Winger x 1
Forwards x 2
Defensive midfielder x 1

The advantages of online shopping

A few weeks ago, I had to find gifts for my friend's baby shower. The ordeal was not easy. Whenever I am out, I am browsing around baby stores looking for gifts. I looked in all kind of stores, from the deluge of baby shops which to seem to infest all shopping malls to the chain stores such as Toys 'R Us and Mothercare, to look for suitable presents.

Like most males of the human race, I am not a happy bunny when the matter comes to this type of shopping. Us men just don't have the same appetite as women for browsing stores or window shopping. Guys will have in mind what they want, find what they want and get the hell out, just like sex. Women will want to take their time, try everything on offer and not give the goods in the end, again just like sex.

Another reason why I don't like to go out to shop is being approached by store staff whenever they try to help me. Having grown up in the UK, I'm not use to customer service of any kind. I like to go in the shop, browse around, find what I want, pay for the items and leave. My situation means stores don't really need staff to man the aisles, all they need is proper self checkouts to work properly - something which is troubling shoppers at UK supermarkets I hear (or read to be more accurate).

The only time I need the assistance of shop staff is to find something I can't see on the shelves or to ask information about a product. When that scenario arises and only if that scenario arises, then I will find a member of staff to help and not before. Please shop staff, don't cry out "Welcome to [insert generic shop name here]!" every time a customers enter the front door. Please shop staff, stop coming up to every browser within talking distance of you to ask "Do you need any help?" when clearly all that person wants to do is to browse. If he or she requires any help at all, they would be capable of asking you when that situation arises. Please shop staff, don't try to intimidate people into buying stuff they don't want - it just makes me want to leave the shop right away and never shop in that establishment again.

Which is why I have resorted more to online shopping. There are a great deal of advantages of using the internet to buy whatever you want.

1. The variety will be much greater. The shop, even chain stores, will not have every item in stock. I have the whole of the internet to find what I want.
2. I can find much more thorough information of the product I want. Not all staff are knowledgeable regarding all the items in their store. With the web, I can find more information and use other tools, such price and product comparison.
3. The hassle is less. Most companies now have free or low cost delivery. Even if it costs a few bob to deliver, you have consider the money you would spend to go out to buy the product, either in public transport or driving your car with added costs in fuel and parking. Also consider the time saved as well.

With that said (or written), this only applies to countries with good online shopping, such as North America, Western Europe and Australasia. The quality of Hong Kong online shopping is not on par, at least in the English speaking side. This is something you wouldn't envisage a developed city.

That is my first problem. Even though sole speaking English people are a minority, I would like to think we have the wallet size to attract businesses to put up a decent English website. That is not the case. The English version of Hong Kong eBay and Yahoo! Auctions are not existent. Same with Broadway electronics, even though it is one of the major electronic/electrical stores in Hong Kong.  Thankfully Fortress electronics have a decent online store, although the variety is not that great.

At least the major supermarkets, Wellcome and Park N' Shop, have decent online shopping and delivery. I think any major country should have decent online supermarkets, since grocery shopping is a major part of most people's lives. 

From there, the drop is quite steep. I cannot comment on all fields, since I don't have interest in clothes and I haven't got around to buying furniture online. Let's just say I found it really difficult to buy anything online regarding baby gifts. There is a decent amount on basic baby products but when you want to find some specialised baby products, there are few online stores.

The same is with electronic products. I have had to search items individually to find if they are stocked in Hong Kong. I would expect Hong Kong to have a more decent market regarding buying electronic goods online, given that the Hong Kong people are so technologically driven with changing their phones every year. There are a few decent sites in Hong Kong, so people don't have to despair.

The online book buying is decent but not as great as in UK or US. The two major bookstores in Hong Kong - Dymocks and Page One - don't even have an online store. At least have an inventory or a contact details so we can enquire if you have book in store, which Dymocks does to save it from being totally lambasted by me. Even if you don't have an online store, please put a catalogue up so customers can have a browse to see if you stock that product

The last swipe is online digital music. The HMV Hong Kong store is appalling, only being able to download very obscure music. iTunes music doesn't even have a Hong Kong store. I do want to buy singles and not buy albums as I am not an avid music fan, only albums just to get the song I want on it.

Perhaps I'm being harsh. Hong Kong people shop differently compared to US or UK people. Perhaps there are decent online stores in Hong Kong, which I haven't found or are just in Chinese. If anybody has any suggestions, please contact me so I can order as much stuff as I want in the comfort of my pyjamas.

Writing blog entries

For some reason, I spend a lot of my time thinking of what I should write in my blog. This phenomenon is usually confined to idle moments such as driving to and from work, in the midst of a lecture or when I'm out jogging. It's not particularly productive but it just happens. I have no real logical explanation why I do it. Perhaps I just want to articulate my thoughts to the world better, so people who read this will have a better understanding of whom I am. I want my blog entry to flow naturally, from sentence to sentence like if I was speaking to you or if you were watch a great riveting drama. I want readers to feel once they finished reading one particular blog entry, that topic has been extensively covered and there is no need to revisit the issue in the future, barring any change or any dramatic events in my life or something new has popped up.

In reality, despite all the time I spend idly planning my blog, that is never the case. I tend to write as I think without reading back what I have typed or revising what I have written. I don't want to spend too much time writing this blog, since I DO want to live a life. Inevitably not everything is covered in that entry about that topic. I loathe to revise any entry, especially if the passage has already been published on the internet and where everybody from random strangers to my closest friends have already read what I have to say on the subject and have given insight of their own on that subject. Like some lame horror movie sequel killer, I will always return to the same subject in the future with what seems like a new approach but actually is the same drivel dressed up in a different way.

Perhaps I try to give myself too much pressure in trying to produce too many blog entries in a certain period or trying to write the perfect article about that subject. I should take my time in writing these entries before posting them. I know my command of the English language is nothing compared to the likes of columnist I admire and read (such as David Mitchell, Charlie Brooker and Mark Steel) but I want something that is representative of me and will get people to like what I have written, or at least think it is not written by some maniac. 

So I resolved to setting myself some basic rules on writing my blog:
1. Give myself a topic within a certain time period to write about and set myself a deadline to finish the topic off. This should give me time to think of new angles about that particular topic.
2. Don't immediately post the blog up, even when I think I finished typing it. Let it simmer for a few days before going back to it to see if any new ideas have popped up.
3. Actually read back through what I have written. I actually notice I do have a lot of grammatical errors scattered throughout my blog, so I should be a good writer and actually draft what I write.

Hopefully these new rules should lead to a more flowing blog which will be more understandable and more representative of my thoughts. However these rules haven't solved the problem of thinking of some witty and concise way to finish the blog.

and dieting

As some of you may well know, I have been exercise and dieting extensively for the past two months. Thankfully it has paid dividends with a drop of three kilos within this time limit. However I'm still obese (by Asian standards) and still got a long way to go - actually eight more kilos before I'm consider "OK".

Apart from running / walking in excessive heat after work everyday, I have resorted to dieting. This has been a dramatic turnaround for me. I do love to cook and I do love my desserts, so having to cut out both means I can identify with smokers and alcoholics trying to give up their vices. I tried cutting out breakfast but by about half way through my morning clinic sessions, I'm embarrassing myself in front of patients with steadying growling noise coming from my stomach area. So instead of being addicted to desserts now, I'm addicted to Kellogg's Special K (other breakfast cereals are available, as the BBC would say). Apart from Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, this is the only cereal I like. I can actually eat Special K for breakfast, lunch and dinner, if social circumstances allowed me to.

Unfortunately I still have to go out for lunch, since all the other doctors in my clinic do. So I still have to eat unhealthy stuff whenever I go out. Everybody knows if you cook for yourself or cook at home, you have some measure of control what crap goes into your body. If you go out to eat, you don't know how much preservatives / salt / sugar they put into your food.

One of the disadvantages of going out to eat is the portions. I hate to waste food and so cringe inwardly whenever anybody leaves a substantial portion of their meal on the plate. I have to cringe at myself now, since I leave all the rice / potatoes on the plate since I've started the Atkins diet. This carries on to dinner since I have asked my parents to cut out the rice for me at dinner.

So what other extremes have I gone to lose weight? Only drinking diet Coke / Pepsi and now using artificial sweeteners in all my tea / coffees. Yes, I'm very serious about losing weight but only if it makes me look better and gives me a better chance of attracting the opposite sex.

Now to give myself a break, I need to have that tiramisu my dad made...

Down in the doldrums.... again

I have been accused by an anonymous reader of being too negative in my blog. Unfortunately he/she didn't leave an email address for me to reply to say that is the whole point of my blog. This is suppose to be an avenue for my depression to dissipate itself to the wider world instead of ruminating in my mind, causing more havoc. If you don't like what you see, then don't read it - simple as that.

I'm going to further disappoint that anonymous reader as this blog entry is going to be another depressing read. For the past few weeks a low mood has been creeping up on me. I shouldn't have this problem anymore. I take my anti-depressants regularly and attend my follow-ups as scheduled. I work in an respectable profession, helping sick people to their ailments. I get paid quite handsomely enough to live comfortably, since I don't have to pay rent, not in debt or don't have to support anybody since my parents are financially well off. I stay in contact with my friends but don't get to meet them as often as I like.

And that's where it starts - trying to look at the bad sides of things. Before long I'm back looking at all the standard stuff when I'm depressed: I'm 31, single, still a virgin (interpret yourself if that is a good or bad thing), still living with my parents and still have depression which requires anti-depressants (and quite a high dose as it is).

Yet there are things which have contribute to my low mood. There are little triggers which accumulate to eventually break the camel's back. Annoying drivers who do not indicate with their lights when they are going to change lanes or take a turn. Demanding patients who ask about four different problems in a consultation that is supposed to last seven minutes. Acquaintances on Facebook putting up hundreds of photos of their babies in the same position.

And what was the final straw? Learning that one of my good friends is pregnant. I should be happy for her and her husband, and I am, but I'm also sad for myself. That's what you get when you're a depressive. You don't care about everybody else and their problems, you get selfish and care for yourself. Forget about all the poverty, disasters and deaths in the world, you only care that you don't have a girlfriend in your life. Forget that other friends older, better looking and more intelligent than you are still single, you only care about yourself. And I hate myself for think about that way.

As the usual disclaimer, I don't expect people to pay attention. Actually it is better that you don't pay attention, since it feeds my depression more. I don't expect anybody to help either since it is my own internal problem. I just wish for better drivers in Hong Kong and for people to stop putting so many photos into the albums without even sorting them out. Then I can stop whining about that stuff.

My relationship with music

I have to state that I'm not a big fan of music. Unlike my friends, I have a modest collection which mainly deals with pop start from the 1990s to early 2000s. Since mid 2000s, I have become less interested in music, instead listening to podcasts and radio programmes.

This was evident a few days ago when I made the few excursions for shopping. I decided to patron the new HMV in Central. Whilst looking through the entire music section, there was only two albums I bought: The best of Whitney Houston and the best of The Who. I am one of these bad people who only buys "The Best of" albums from artists. Usually that means waiting for the artist to die or retire, or for the band to break up. The only other album in my radar is "The Best of S Club 7" (I know that I have bad taste in music).

Perhaps I am more of a singles man. I tend to love individual songs rather than a whole album. I have to like enough of the songs on an album to persuade me to buy the CD, hence only buying "The Best of" albums. Unfortunately Hong Kong doesn't have a very good download music market. Most of the download music here is Cantopop (or I can't read Cantonese well enough to understand their download sites). I can't access iTunes to download music here in Hong Kong.

Anyway I must get back to listening "The Who" and finding ways to download music legitimately in Hong Kong.

Exercise..

For those who know me, I've been trying to lose weight by dieting and exercise. I may dress up my motives by stating I want to be fitter and more healthy. Ultimately I want to attract women more and I know I won't get my foot in the front door if I keep looking like Kim Jong-Un's half brother. (Seriously how can North Korea's new dictator can look so pudgy and have the rest of his nation starve to death?)

I initially started my campaign against the bulge by doing some stretching exercises at home and it was a wake up call. You know you don't move your muscles much when stooping down to pick up something strains a back muscle. Actually my so called wake up call was when I was approached by a sales person of a gym chain trying to sell me a gym membership. During this demeaning procedure when one of their personal trainers was telling me everything I was doing wrong with my life, I had to do some sit ups. Every time I came up, my whole body was shaking due to the underdevelopment of my rectus abdominis muscles (yeah, I still remember some anatomy from my medical school days). Fortunately my willpower is a little bit more formed than my muscles and I didn't sign up to their gym, despite the glare the personal trainer gave me.

Anyway now that I spend most of my free time stretching, even when I'm surfing the Net, my muscles have started to become looser and if I were a cow I would deem edible now. But that's not the point. The next stage was actually getting me down from the fatty Kobe beef to a better lean steak. That meant some aerobic exercise. I started off cycling around the neighbourhood I live in and have gradually increased my workload over the past few weeks.

What I lack is motivation and a definite schedule. I think I have to go join a gym and start losing the pounds. I think I would be more motivated if I put a little money into this project. Thankfully there is a gym nearby to where I live, so I don't have to travel far after work. Hopefully I will have some willpower to join a gym in the first place.

Next time, I will be writing about dieting and crankiness...