A pivotal moment

I had an epiphany when I was in Singapore last week. I just finished watching "Supergirl" and fallen madly in love with Nicole Maines, who plays Nia Nal/Dreamer. She is beautiful, funny, courageous - the ideal perfect lady. Then it struck me - I would never have a woman like her. I had fallen down this rabbit hole before and it leads to relapse of my depression. Watching "The Wedding Crashers" and falling in love with Rachel McAdams. Binging on "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" and swooning at Melissa Fumero. Time and time again, I find myself wanting a romantic relationship but knowing with my "condition" that it will never happen. I'm too much of depressive, fearing rejection and heartache. 

I am prime incel material - I'm single obese male, in his early forties and still a virgin living with his parents. I never had a meaningful romantic relationship and have had people telling me I should be able to find a partner since I'm a doctor. What separates me from the rest of the incel population is insight - I know I have depression, I know I should lose weight and I should know to get off my backside to find the woman I want.

That is when the epiphany hit me. I should be gearing myself to Nicole Maines. Sure, she lives in Hollywood, is seventeen years younger than me and I have no interest in her in "Yellowjackets". But that is where the focus lies - getting myself in that region to be that person that some might find attractive.

It's only been a few days but I've started exercising, performing errands which I should have completed months ago and actually started to study - something I haven't really done for seven years. Can I sustain this momentum. The depressive part of me thinks I won't. I'm hoping that I can.

Unrequited love

I haven't been posting much on this blog, since I have the avenue of Facebook now. However this topic is one I cannot publish on any of the social media I am on. The reason why I will reveal later.

I met my best friend during the first year of medical school. She was (and still is) beautiful, kind and funny. Like every teenage male with raging hormones, I fell in love with her instantly. There was just one problem - she didn't love me and was already in a relationship. She could sense my feelings towards her and let me down gently (or as gently as you can when you are being friend-zoned). There was nothing that I can do but accept the situation. 

Her relationship with her boyfriend continued over the years. They got married, have successful careers as doctors and have kids. She continued to be my best friend (but not necessarily out friendship was the same the other way around - her best friend was definitely somebody else). She was there when I struggled with my depression and through medical school. She was there when I tried to commit suicide and was hospitalized. She was there when I broke down in my first few days as an intern. She joined me at concerts and comedy gigs. She is one of a few people I keep in touch with over the years. And not once did I say to her how I truly felt.

I thought she had a happy marriage. It was shocking to hear last year they had separated and were getting a divorce. Apparently what you post on social media is not evidently what is happening in real life. Her husband thought of her more of as commodity rather than her wife. He displayed her as a trophy: "Look at my wife, a successful doctor, academic and mother to my children." It is alright to boast about your wife but not if you are contributing as well. He didn't help in raising the kids, although he has an excuse that he is jetting around the world to medical conferences. What really got to her is how he didn't support her emotionally. When she felt sad, he only complained that she was ruining his day by feeling sad. When she was tired on holiday (because she had to sort out all the logistics regarding their children), all he could say is she was ruining his vacation. Basically he was acting like a rich, pretentious, entitled prick. That is not surprising given that he comes from a very rich background. 

At this point I should say I've only heard from my best friend's point of view. She admits that his work is important and that he's good at it. Her husband is a really nice guy who I don't have any animosity towards. He is better than me in so many ways - emotionally, physically, financially, academically and professionally. I don't want them to get divorced, for the sake of themselves and their children. I told my mother about their situation and she said that all men act like that, even her husband / my father. 

When she told me she was getting divorced, the news brought up my repressed feelings towards her. I started to fantasize what it would be like to actually date her. Immediately I had to remove those thoughts, since I know it would crush me inside. but like the old phrase it is easier said than done. Of course I haven't told her how I feel about her - that would ruin her and our friendship. I can't talk to anybody about this. She would normally be the go-to-person for this kind of thing. I can't talk about it on any of my social media, since either she or her husband are on them. This blog is my only outlet, even though there is a small risk they could find this out.

The ultimate truth is I don't love her. I am selfish - I don't want to ruin my cosy existence for the uncertain future of dating and taking care of her kids. I continue to wallow in my depression rather than get better and improve myself as a person, trying to impress her. I know I couldn't let her try to cope with me and my depression. If I was truly in love, I would make the effort and sacrifice to do all these things for her.. but I don't. I also think I don't do these things because I know there is a strong probability she won't love me back.

I've been getting back into TV drama recently, specifically the DC TV Universe. I wish I hadn't because I identify myself in some of the characters or the situations. Unrequited love, loving somebody you cannot have - basically every emotional string that the screenwriters pull to captivate their audience.

There is only one aspect that I truly love her - I want her happiness, even if it without me.

Dread and motivation

Dread and motivation have something in common - they look to the future, something I do do and don't do respectively.

Confused? Let me explain.

Every morning I am woken up by my mother. Even at 40 years old, I've still need somebody to wake me up and force me out of bed, like an unruly teenager who doesn't want to go to school. I dread the day ahead. I hate being stuck in traffic for an hour, I hate being consulted by patients, I hate eating my packed lunch nowadays and I hate being consulted by more patients. It's worse when I wake up and my depressed part of me keeps saying don't go to work, take a sick day or resign. Unfortunately that part of me has been increasing steadily. People say it is the anticipation of a dreaded event is worse than the dreaded event itself. Everybody has anxiety before taking examinations but the actual test itself maybe not so bad. For me that is not the case. "Why won't it be 13:00/17:00?" is what I'm constantly feeling. Yes I know everybody have these thoughts. So why am I different? I should buckle down and get on with it but... I don't know, 

On the flip side I don't look to the future regarding motivating myself. I know I should study medical topics but I don't. I know I should clean up my paperwork but I don't. Even the obsessive compulsive things I do, like back up my podcasts, tidy up my Lego parts or watch movies I haven't seen that are on my Netflix "My List", I don't have the motivation for. I keep repeat old episodes of QI / The Bugle. Or try to refine my designs on my Lego MOCs (My Own Creations) on the Lego designer program. 

I wish I had less dread and motivation in life, rather than vice versa.

Should I wear a surgical face mask?

I had this heated discussion / debate / argument with my brother - should a normal person wear a face mask during the Covid 19 pandemic? My brother lives in Europe, where wearing a surgical face mask is not the norm, even if one has respiratory symptoms. He has read up the literature and the evidence suggests that a normal person should not need to wear a face mask. I am based in East Asia and have lived through SARS. Wearing a face mask is now seen as secondary behaviour. I'm also a general practitioner, so wearing a face mask is pre-requisite for me (even though this practice is not seen in primary care physicians in the West).

So I have been ignoring people posting information without a source on social media and have been looking around. At moment, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and the World Health Organisation (WHO) recommend that a normal person should not need to wear a face mask. The evidence seems to support this; a recent review by the University of Hong Kong and published by the CDC's journal - Emergency Infectious Diseases - finds that studies cannot support the use of surgical face mask by normal people for influenza, or at most they have a modest impact on transmission.

Of course not every study is designed perfectly. If you look closer at the studies examined, you will find factors to pick at. The good points are that all of these studies are randomized control trials - the best sort of evidence a doctor would want. However the population sizes studied are quite small - they range from 84 patients and their household contacts to 1437 university hall residents recruited with 1297 university hall residents further analyzed. Only one of the studies was studied on the general population - 165 Australians going on the Hajj pilgrimage. Two studies were of university students residences and nine studies were on patients with their household contacts. These will be patients who are in close contact with their surrounding people, and not likely to mimic the general population.

The studies showed the impact of influenza and wearing face mask. Only one study (Macintyre et al. 2016) test for other respiratory viruses, including coronavirus. The study showed "a potential benefit of medical masks for source control, but is limited by small sample size and low secondary attack rates." Influenza is transmissible one day before the onset of symptoms. SARS-CoV-2 (the coronavirus causing Covid 19) has been shown to be transmissible during the incubation, which can last from 2-14 days. SARS-CoV-2 has been shown to be more transmissible and much deadlier compared to influenza. If you don't have symptoms and have Covid 19, when you sneeze and cough (as all people do from time to time, even if they don't have a cold), you are spreading the disease if you don't cover your nose or mouth.

There has been suggestions a surgical face mask will decrease the chances of infection because people will stop touching their face more, but if you are not use to wearing a surgical face mask (as most of the general population in North America and Europe are), you will tend to touch your face more since you have to adjust the face mask to make yourself feel comfortable.

In a recent Time article, David Hui, a respiratory medicine expert at the Chinese University of Hong Kong who studied the 2002 to 2003 outbreak of severe acute respiratory syndrome (SARS) extensively, points out that there can never be truly good evidence in situations like SARS and Covid 19 where you can find out if wearing surgical face masks will be useful or not.

Hui adds that the lack of solid evidence supporting the effectiveness of masks against the virus is no reason to dismiss its use, because there may never be definitive scientific proof. A properly controlled study would be impossible to conduct ethically, he explains. “You can’t randomize people to not wear a mask, and some to wear a mask, and then expose them all to the virus,” he says.

Most of the West haven't lived through something like this. Hong Kong went through SARS in 2003. There were 1755 cases in Hong Kong, second only to China, and 299 deaths. And these were not deaths in elderly people with medical conditions. SARS killed young health adults as well. I was a third year medical student at the time. Sixteen medical students were infected. Looking back, I should have been more scared than I was.

Ultimately it is a personal decision whether to wear a surgical face mask or not. Generally I would advocate it, seeing that Covid 19 is transmissible even when you are asymptomatic. If you are in close proximity of a Covid 19 case, have underlying medical conditions or caring for a person who has underlying medical conditions or have respiratory symptoms - wear a surgical face mask. Ultimately there is this point - there is no harm wearing one.

Obsessive compulsiveness as my (poor) coping mechanism

To avoid my depression sliding further down, I tend to perform repetitive tasks. Essentially I have somewhat become obsessive compulsive. I have not reached  the extent that my condition has become an disorder, affecting by daily routine, but significant enough for myself to acknowledge the situation is not ideal.

My first method was to collect photos of cheerleaders and race queens. Originally the material was to form an offline library for the purposes of... well you can guess what I - a single straight male - was going to use the photos for. However as time went on, it become more of an obsessive compulsive task and did not form any of its primary purpose.

Considering how much material there was on the internet, the logical & sane part of me knew I wouldn't be able to collect all the photos and would spend too much time browsing the internet. So the non-depressed and depressed sections of psyche formed an agreement, to place some criteria so I wouldn't be submerged in my own patheticness:

• I would only collect studio photos, so no pictures of events or in-action shots. I wanted a plain background. As to why I wanted a plain background...
• Photos from the same team had to be of the same dimensions (e.g. all the individual photos of the cheerleaders from the Buffalo Bills would be 400 x 600 pixels, if the majority of the individual photos were of that size). As some photos were of different sizes, I would have to adjust the dimensions and alter the background - having a plain background made this task easier. Considering how much time the editing took, I did cut down the time by downloading a program which performed the task more quickly.
• The photos had to have a minimum width of 200 pixels and minimum height of 300 pixels - basically I wouldn't have to strain my eyesto see the photos. There weren't any maximum dimensions but I did reduce some larger photos just so I could fit all the photos on one CD/DVD. 
• For naming of the file, individual photos would be numbered, group photos would be lettered (e.g. Los Angeles Lakers a, Los Angeles Lakers b).
• To stop me constantly searching the internet every day or checking the homepage of each team, I had to form a spreadsheet with the date I last checked the webpage and when I should recheck the webpage. 

I know this "hobby" makes me very perverted and extremely creepy. The collection started with cheerleaders and race queens, but did spread to other areas. At some point I came to the realisation this wasting my time and I had to stop. Eventually I did put an end to the photo collection, after seven years. The material is still stored on some CDs/DVDs and my external hard drive. I have rarely look at the photos since. Some part of me doesn't want to delete the files, consider how much time and effort I spent collating this hoard.

After ending this obsessive compulsive behaviour, I knew I had to focus my coping mechanism to something which was at least constructive. Since 2013, my way of ignoring my depression and real life has been vacation research. I plan my holidays to the minutest detail. Every aspect of the trip is thoroughly researched, websites are constantly refreshed for the latest prices, Google is repeatedly used to find the best discounts and the itinerary is revised for the 22nd time. All this research goes into spreadsheets. I even have material for vacations I wanted to go on but were cancelled or ideas I have had. There is a big file regarding a massive US & Canada road trip and a gigantic European rail journey that I did in 2016, just when I converted to being a part-time doctor and was really thinking of taking a year off to travel.

The fascination with spreadsheets continues, with another Excel document detailing my travel expenses over the past 5 years. Everything transaction is tracked, categorised and analysed. The logical part of me convinces myself why I keep a detailed travel expenses spreadsheet is so I can better plan my vacations but deep down I know is my obsessive-compulsiveness.

My obsessive-compulsiveness does have some limits. For example, another collection I have are the radio programmes and podcasts I have collected over the past 10+ years. Some programmes I do listen to again and some I don't. There are podcasts which have introductions to other shows at the beginning and end, or advertisements in the middle of the programme. But I don't edit those out - I know that would significantly waste my time. However I like to keep things organised (another way to say you are obsessive compulsive) by making sure the file is named the correct way, with the appropriate metadata (episode title, artist, collection name, etc.) properly labelled.


I tend to watch my favourite TV shows and listen to my favourite podcasts / radio programmes far too often. Even though I listen to "Fighting Talk" and "No Such Thing As A Fish", I tend to repeatedly play "The Bugle" and "The News Quiz" podcasts. I really have to force myself to listen to the first mentioned podcasts, which I tend to do when I'm doing other tasks - driving, doing my shoulder rehabilitation. The same goes with "Mock The Week" and "QI" - these are on a loop on my computer where I should be trying to use my Netflix more often.

My latest project has been Hong Kong hotel buffets. I have made several spreadsheets (what a surprise!) documenting nearly all the hotel buffets that are available in Hong Kong and finding what discounts I can get. If I had more computer skills, I would have set up a website. At least this time the project has been applicable, using the data three times in eating out and saving money.

I really wish my obsessive compulsive behaviour could be turned into something productive for work. I really should be trying to make myself write notes in preparation in seeing patients in specialty clinics but still I try to find the latest discounts on brunch buffets...

Online postgraduate diplomas and degrees

When I pass my Exit Examination for the Hong Kong College of Family Physicians, I plan to take a postgraduate course to get a masters. This is not to extend the letters after my name, which we were jokingly told during our undergraduate studies. It is so I can fully understand the subject so I can put it into practice and help me to get into the fields I plan to go into the future.

With the improvement of technology, learning online has started to become the norm. Major universities are waking up to this and started to offer numerous postgraduate diplomas and degrees. Naturally you will lose the face-to-face interaction and any practical aspect which comes with the subject. However many people work full time and cannot take time off to attend a full time course. Even if the course is part-time, you have to consider travelling time and money. Some online course off an intensive teaching period, which you could attend during your annual leave.

I have been focussing on three main areas of study which I'm interested in - Family Medicine, Medical Education and Public Health. Below are the three main course I plan to take, with the other courses I took into consideration and why chose the particular course. Fees mentioned are for international students, so local students will be considerably cheaper.

1. Masters in Primary Care, University of Glasgow

I wanted to take a course which further develops my family medicine skills and knowledge. Our own college (Hong Kong College of Family Physicians) offers a certificate/diploma course. That one is primarily aimed at private doctors who are not specialising in anything, even Family Medicine, to show they have some skills in the area. Hong Kong Baptist University offers a postgraduate diploma / masters in primary care in conjunction with the University of Western Sydney. However the Baptist University doesn't have its own medical school, just a school of nursing and a private hospital, which means they don't have their own dedicated academic staff to teaching this subject. The medical teaching will likely come from private doctors or remotely from the University of Western Sydney.

There are two universities which offer online courses in this area apart from Glasgow. The University of Edinburgh has a masters of science course in Family Medicine. They have the best ranking amongst the universities here, placing 23rd in the QS World University Rankings in Medicine 2017. However the course at Edinburgh requires two periods of two weeks where they require face-to-face teaching at the university. That will require me to take annual leave and getting two weeks off is very difficult. Monash University use to offer a Masters of Family Medicine but have changed the title to Masters in Advanced Primary Health Care Practice. Monash is ranked 29th, so they aren't a bad medical school. The course details are somewhat vague but the real killer to this cost is price.

Monash will cost HKD 17,766 more than Glasgow, which is GBP 1800+ or USD ~2300 more. If Edinburgh didn't require me to attend face-to-face teaching, I would have taken their course. It is just GBP 297 than Glasgow, which is HKD ~2900 or USD 370+. I know I can afford the differences but it is not worth it. Glasgow is only ranked ten places lower than Monash, at 39th place, and I feel the University of Glasgow name carries slightly more value than Monash University's name.

2. Masters in Public Health, London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine
Public Health is a subject where the whole content can be delivered online, since the content is mostly theory or non-practical based. Since this is the case, and public health schools are quite prevalent, there are many universities which offer this course online. Below are the universities which offer the course 100% online, except the Hong Kong universities which I have included as they are possible options for me. Ranking is based on US News 2017 rankings for Best Global Universities for Social Sciences and Public Health.

This decision is no brainer. London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine (or LSHTM) has the best ranking and is the cheapest university with a ranking in the top 100. Sheffield is cheaper but is ranked 118 places below LSHTM. The cheapest university with a ranking is Essex, which Staffordshire offers the cheapest out of all universities. I have the option of completing the course at more leisurely pace. Most schools intend for you to complete their masters in two years, while LSHTM allows you a maximum of five years. Another point which is not displayed in the table is that I can take their course by modules alone and don't have to do a dissertation or project, which a lot of the other courses require you to perform.

I would like to take this opportunity to make my point on differences between nations. UK offers the cheapest courses by far. Hong Kong offers similarly priced courses but you have to factor in the travel time and cost. However I would get Continuous Medical Education points if I attend the Hong Kong courses.

Next comes Australia, with the cheapest course coming from the University of Tasmania and the highest ranked course coming from Monash. Yet Tasmania is HKD 29,250 (GBP 4,900+, USD ~3400) and Monash is HKD 96,215 (GBP ~9,900, USD ~12,400) more expensive than LSHTM. 

USA is much more expensive than UK. The cheapest course is Florida (Difference between LSHTM: HKD 94,030, GBP ~6,600, USD 8,200+) and the highest ranked is North Carolina (Difference between LSHTM: HKD 403,000, GBP 41,000+, USD ~52,000). Most ridiculously is Southern California (or USC as it is more famously known), which is eye-poppingly priced at USD 81,541. That would be half year's salary if I was still working full time. How would they even attract international students with that figure? 

3. Masters in Health Professions Education, University of Glasgow
I eventually would like teach in some capacity, to trainees or medical students. Some part of the reason why is to feed my ego, to feel important, but mainly I do want better trained doctors (I have a whole blog entry I could write regarding improperly trained or not trained doctors).

The degrees come under a few names: Medical Eduction, Clinical Education, Health Professions Education. I've grouped into the same category since the content will be similar, if not the same. Like Public Health most of the course knowledge and theories are non-practical based. So you wouldn't lose so much between delivering the course online or face-to-face.


This is the one course I had difficulty choosing. There were many course I could select but I narrowed the options down to four universities. The other universities were either too expensive or didn't have a good ranking in either medicine or education.

Melbourne, even though a very highly ranked medical school, isn't worth the extra added cost. Edinburgh would have been my choice since the degree has already been approved as a quotable qualification in Hong Kong. However the course is research oriented, which I rather avoid. Glasgow has the nice balance of being a well ranked medical school with a reasonable price course. 

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Holiday plans 2017-2018

For those who know me from Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, I've been busy preparing and taking my Exit Examination for the Hong Kong College of Family Physicians. Basically it means I'm trying to gain the title of "Specialist in Family Medicine". I know I won't pass because I bollocked up the clinical audit part of the exam, by handing in the audit late and incomplete. Hopefully that is the only part I have failed.

Since there is nothing I can do about the outcome, my focus has turned to my holiday plans for the next two years. I am very obsessive compulsive when it comes to holiday planning, as I have prepared trips years in advance. I already scheduled a trip to Taipei this year, no matter what the outcome of my examinations were. I'm taking my mum along this time because a) she hasn't had a proper vacation for a long time and b) I need her to help me navigate the language (since I can't read Chinese or speak Putonghua). For 2018, I have two trips planned. I want to go back to the UK in May/June 2018 so I can catch up with my brother and friends. I couldn't go to Seoul last summer, so I'm heading there in October 2018 to coincide with the WONCA (World Organization of National Colleges, Academies and Academic Associations of General Practitioners/Family Physicians) conference.

All this scheduling has left me a gap in late 2017 for a small trip. I have prepared options but I'm a bit indecisive in the matter, so I'm throwing it out to the public to gather opinion. I have four options, in order of date:

1. Tokyo Game Show (23rd to 24th September 2017)
Apart from E3 (the Electronic Entertainment Expo) and gamescom, the Tokyo Game Show is one of the most significant gaming conventions in the world. Since you need to be a member of the video game industry to gain entry to E3 and gamescom is a bit far away as it is held in Cologne, the Tokyo Game Show is a more accessible option. I want to see what games will be coming out and see if there are gaming options for smartphones and tablets, as I've gone back to gaming recently after my cousin gave me his Xbox 360. The tickets are not expensive (¥1000 for advance tickets, ¥1200 for onsite tickets and ¥3000 for VIP tickets) and I can always do a bit of sightseeing. I've been to Tokyo twice before but I can't remember anything from the previous trips.

2. Malaysian Grand Prix (29th September to 1st October 2017)
Although I'm not a enthusiastic fan of Formula 1, I enjoyed the experience of the Singapore Grand Prix in 2014. I was also intrigued by the hospitality tickets for the Grands Prix (that's the plural of 'Grand Prix'), so I looked around at the other Asian Grands Prix to see what they could offer.

There are seven Grands Prix in Asia. I've been to Singapore, so I can rule that out. The Chinese Grand Prix is held in Shanghai but the circuit is actually in the outskirts of the city, which makes travelling to and from the hotel a bit of a hassle. Also I don't feel comfortable going to Chinese countries and not being able to speak the language (hence why I'm dragging my mum with me to Taipei). The only thing putting me off going to the Bahrain Grand Prix is that there is no direct flight between Hong Kong and Bahrain. This adds to the inconvenience and travel time. The Japanese Grand Prix has the same problem as the Chinese Grand Prix. It is held at Suzuka but that's about an hour away from the nearest city, Nagoya, and there isn't much I want to see around there.

That leave me with three possibilities: Australia, Malaysia, Abu Dhabi. Melbourne hosts the Australian Grand Prix and since I've just been there last year, I won't be back anytime soon. Abu Dhabi seems intriguing, since I've just found some attractions worth visiting. However it's a bit far away and would be reasonably expensive.

That leave the Malaysian Grand Prix, held in Kuala Lumpur. To be more exact it is in Sepang, an hour outside of Kuala Lumpur. I know I'm being hypocritical, since I excluded the Chinese and Japanese Grand Prix for being too far outside the main city but I also had other reasons not to choose them. Also I have a friend who lives in Sepang, so I could bunk up with my friend and save on accommodation fees.

I've been to Kuala Lumpur twice but I can't remember the attractions I saw (my memory is failing me), so I probably want to refresh my memory. The hospitality ticket I'm eye is not that expensive at ~US$2000.

So what is putting me off going to the Malaysian Grand Prix? As I said, I'm not a big fan of Formula One and I enjoyed the experience of Singapore Grand Prix but less so of the sport. It helped that the Singapore Grand Prix also had concerts by John Legend and Robbie Williams. Also going alone (as I will be) seems a bit pathetic and I don't know why. It's going to be difficult to find somebody to go with me and fork up that amount of cash.

I have to decide soon about the Malaysian Grand Prix, since this will be the final year it will be held as the Malaysian Government is not renewing the contract.

3. WTA Finals (22nd to 29th October 2017)
Before anybody says I'm going only to perv at female tennis players - you're probably right. But I did enjoy watching the Hong Kong Tennis Open in 2015, so I want to see top level tennis again. My overall aim would be to see Andy Murray, preferably at Wimbledon, but the logistics of that seem very troublesome. As the WTA Finals are held in Singapore, this is a more convenient option. I didn't go to see many attractions the last time I went to Singapore, so I hope to rectify that with this trip. The only problems are that a) I need a tennis player to root for and the only female tennis player I would go and watch is Laura Robson, who is way off from qualifying for the WTA Finals and b) like Formula One, I'm not a big fan of tennis.

4. Tokyo Motor Show (27th October to 5th November 2017)
Like any other grown up boy, if it is not video games I like then it would be cars. As Japan is a significant producer of the automobile, the Tokyo Motor Show would definitely be a place to see what the motor industry is offering in Japan.

Again ticket prices are not that expensive (¥400-1600) and since it's held over ten days, there are plenty of days to choose from. The only downside to the Tokyo Motor Show is that it is a biennial event. So if I don't go this year, I have to wait for 2019 for the next opportunity.

At the moment, I'm leaning towards the Tokyo trips but I know this is the last year I have the option going to the Malaysian Grand Prix (and probably one of the cheapest hospitality tickets on the Formula One schedule).

Left vs Right

I'm trying to stay out of politics recently but the situation in the world makes the subject very difficult to avoid. Politics are dominating the news and social media. The events of 2016 - mainly the refugee crisis in Europe, Brexit and the election of Trump to the U.S. presidency - have left me confused as to why so many people are taking right-wing views and has lead me to re-examine my political thinking as a liberal.

Ever since I could remember, I have always been a leftie. I wanted equality for all and believed climate change + animal rights are real problems the world should face. Yet I never really examined why I take these views on these issues. So I went back to basics and looked up the definitions of right wing and left wing. On Wikipedia (where else would I have gone to?), this was the definition of right-wing politics:

Right-wing politics hold that certain social orders and hierarchies are inevitable, natural, normal or desirable, typically defending this position on the basis of natural law, economics or tradition.

Before I go on, we should really establish that when the article mentions "social orders" and when I write anything about "social", what is really meant is wealth. Social classes went out the window after the World War 2 and was on really meant for countries where nobility thrived. What differentiates us the most in today's society is how much money you have. I don't deny there is this economic hierarchy. There will be people who will be richer or poorer than others. Yet I have a problem with how this social order is established and maintained. There are many who become rich via good, hard work. I don't have a problem with these people. My bile is reserved for those who arrive into the higher echelons of the social strata by scrupulous means. The methods include nepotism, exploitation of the masses, bending or breaking of the rules. I'll go more into this when I write about the economics of the Left and Right.

My argument brings me to the definition of left-wing politics (again, retrieved from Wikipedia):

Left-wing politics supports social equality and egalitarianism, often in opposition to social hierarchy and social inequality. It typical involves a concern for those in society whom its adherents perceive as disadvantaged relative to others (prioritarianism), as well as a belief that there are unjustified inequalities that need to be reduced or abolished (by advocating for social justice).

Before people start to label me as a Communist or a liberal elite hippie, I'm not advocating that everybody is equal. It has long been established Communism, where everybody is seen as equals, rarely works. The main Communist state of the Soviet Union fell and the other examples of Communist states nowadays are not really Communist (China, Vietnam) or don't thrive very well without some sort of capitalism to help (Cuba, North Korea). There never will be true equality amongst. We all cannot have the same money, material possessions, intelligence or physical attributes.

What I am advocating is equal opportunities for all. A person shouldn't be more entitled to a job, just because his/her relative owns the company or has connections to other businesses. A person shouldn't be denied access to education or health care because he/she has less money (something I will go into further detail when I approach education and health care).

Another moot point I have regarding right-wing politics is the use of "tradition". The term is rather vague but in essence people want to have things the same rather than change. I argue that things cannot always stay the same. Things will always change. We, as a person and a society, cannot stand still or we will cease to exist in our current state. If we continued to have tradition, the concept of slavery and female submission would have been kept. If we didn't progress, the Dark Ages would have continued and the sciences and the arts would not be where they are today.

A lot of "tradition" has used religion as its basis, something I totally disagree on. Some of my arguments against using religion as a basis of establishing rules and views on society is that not all people will be of that religion. There are people of other religions or of no religion, who will have different rules and views on society. Either there has to be a consensus between these groups of people, or a rule where the religion isn't affected (something I will elaborate when writing about gay marriage).

Delving into the definitions of left & right wing politics has re-affirmed by belief of being liberal but maybe not as liberal as I thought I would be. There always be a hierarchy, whether there are liberals or conservatives in power. But there always will be change and the end result should be an equal opportunity for all.

Revised suggestions for BBC Sports Personality of the Year

As an obsessive compulsive person, I like making lists. Especially regarding BBC Sports Personality of the Year. Yes, I know it is not the highlight of a sportsperson's career but it does add some recognition.

The last time I did the list, it was midway through the Olympic Games. Now that the Olympics is over, that list can be revised. It is difficult to select ten nominations. The last time there was an Olympics during Sports Personality of the Year, the nomination list was extended to twelve, which included the Paralympians. Even with just the Olympians, picking fifteen would be difficult.

So with that in mind, I had to cull a few from my previous list. Out go Bradley Wiggins (his Olympic gold came in a team effort, plus he's already won before), Katherine Grainger (despite winning medals in five successive Olympics, this time was only a silver)

So in no particular order, here we go.

1. Adam Peaty
- Olympic champion in the men's 100 m breaststroke, becoming Britain's first Olympic swimming male champion since 1988 (Adrian Moorhouse, 100 m breaststroke).
- European champion in 50 m and 100 m breaststroke.
- Broke his own 100 m breaststroke world record twice during the Olympic Games.

2. Jason Kenny
- Olympic champion in the men's sprint, keirin and team sprint.
- Kenny has tied with Chris Hoy as the British Olympian with the most gold medals (six).
- World champion in the men's sprint.

3. Laura Trott
- Olympic champion in the women's ominium and team pursuit.
- Became the British female Olympian with the most gold medals (four).

4. Mo Farah
- Defended his Olympic 5000 m and 10000 m titles (only the second athlete to do so).
- Became Britain's most successful athlete in track and field.

5. Max Whitlock
- Olympic champion in men's floor exercise and pommel horse. Also won bronze in the men's all round.
- Became Britain's first Olympic gymnast to win a gold medal.

6. Andy Murray
- Became Wimbledon champion for the second time.
- Became the first British male to win multiple Wimbledon singles titles since Fred Perry in 1935.
- Olympic champion in men's singles tennis.
- The only player to win two singles gold medals and to defend a singles title.

7. Nicola Adams
- Olympic champion in women's flyweight boxing.
- First woman to defend Olympic boxing title.
- World champion in women's flyweight boxing.

Here on after, the rest are maybes.

8. Justin Rose
- Olympic champion in men's golf.
- Could also help Europe win the Ryder Cup.

9. Charlotte Dujardin
- Olympic champion in individual dressage. Olympic silver medallist in team dressage.
- Successfully defended her Olympic individual dressage title.

10. Nick Skelton
- Olympic champion in individual jumping.
- Great Britain's oldest Olympic champion since 1908.

11. Liam Health
- Olympic champion in men's K1 200 m canoe sprint. Olympic silver medallist in men's K2 200 m canoe sprint.
- Became Great Britain's most successful canoeist at the Olympics (one gold, one silver, one bronze)
- European champion in men's K1 200 m canoe sprint.

12. Alistair Brownlee
- Olympic champion in men's triathlon.
- First triathlete to win two Olympic titles and defend the Olympic title.

13. Jade Jones
- Olympic champion in women's 57 kg taekwando, defending her title.
- European champion in women's 57 kg taekwando.

Post Olympic thoughts

Since Rio 2016 finished a few weeks ago, two issues have been occupying my mind:

1. The (questionable) success of Team GB
Team GB enjoyed it's most successful overseas Olympics, winning 67 medals. Yet there were many countries questioning their success. Sportspeople from France and Australia wondered how the British cyclists performed averagely in the World Championships earlier this year but roared to success in Rio. Even I was wondering how on Earth did Team GB become so good and hoped there wasn't anything else other than hard work, discipline and the will to win - such as hidden motors or doping.

There have been articles on why Team GB has been more successful than in the last Olympics. Most of the success has down to lottery funding. The poor performance at the Atlanta Olympics in 1996, with just one gold medal won, changed the way British sports was administered. UK Sport was established in order to manage the proceeds from the newly established National Lottery. It used the money to target which sports were the most successful and would benefit from funding. The funds went to sportspeople so they could dedicate themselves full time and provide the infrastructure (such as training centres, supporting staff, etc.) to help the sports people be in peak condition. UK Sport is ruthless in the funding - if you don't obtain your target, your funding will decrease. The only targets were Olympic medals, so World Championship medals wouldn't have benefited British Cycling in terms of funding.

The medal target incentive seems harsh but the evidence suggests this plan has worked. Team GB have increased on the medal count at the Olympics ever since Atlanta - a total of five Olympiads. Compare this to the French Olympic team, which has roughly the same amount of funding but even distributes the wealth amongst all sports federations. That system is fairer but not necessarily more successful.

2. Why aren't Olympics sports not covered or celebrated more?
I have been quite tired of football recently. I have been following football less as I grow older. I still follow my team, Arsenal, with their results and highlights but with less enthusiasm. A number of things have disenfranchised me from the sport.

a) The overexposure of football
Football seems to be the top story in most sports media outlets throughout the year. Most of the stories are inconsequential. They include transfer speculation, injury news, reports on the manager's job safety and so on. I reckon most of the stories are made up or at least have bent the truth.

It doesn't help that the football seems to be always on. Out of 380 games during the English Premier League 2016-17 season, 168 games (44%) will be broadcast live. How can you have an uniqueness for a match when one out of two games are shown on TV?

To ensure there is maximum coverage of all matches, fixtures are regularly moved or played at times which are ideal for TV audiences. This has alienated fans who travel to games. These fans have to re-arrange their schedule and rebook travel tickets, which can be more expensive the later the match is re-arranged. Sometimes you can't arrange travel for some matches, such as Friday night, Saturday evening and Sunday. With all this money from TV broadcasting rights, have the paying fans benefited? No, which leads me to another point...

b) The amount of money being thrown around
The TV broadcast deal, for domestic and international rights, will earn the Premier League £10.4 billion over three years. The Premier League and its clubs will also earn lots more in sponsorship. Yet this hasn't trickled down to the paying punter. Single game tickets range from about £22 to £52 for the cheapest seats. If you want luxury, that will cost you £32-97. Unfortunately, with the popularity of the English Premier League, there are people willing to spend that money and these aren't always "true" football fans, rather people who view the game as a day out or an experience, rather than the drama, theatre and emotions true football fans view the game.

In order to stay in the Premier League, or become successful in it, clubs have thrown ludicrous amounts of money into players. The latest transfer window has seen the English Premier League spend more than £1.7 billion on players. Eight figure sums have been exchange for relatively unknown and seemingly average footballers. The average Premier League footballer will earn around £32000 per week or £1.7 million per year. This is just the basic salary and doesn't include their bonuses.

The amount of hype and money thrown around has disenfranchised me from the sport. So where else can I turn to? With the new found success of Team GB, why aren't these sportspeople more revered or paid better? The media should focus on sports which actually create success. Yet they seem to put the spotlight on the England national football team, which seems to limp to the second round of every major tournament before being knocked out by lesser teams.

If the sporting federations of Olympic sports want to capitalise , there's no better time by riding the wave of success. Encourage youngsters into taking up the sports by offering free introductory lessons, offer cheap tickets to sports events and get the Olympians to turn up to promotion events. Because I rather see a medal winning Olympian rather than an average Premier League footballer.

Early suggestions for BBC Sports Personality of the Year

I know many disregard BBC Sports Personality of the Year. Since the BBC lost the coverage of significant sporting events, their end of year of review hasn't been as good as it use to be. A lot of people tend to focus on the word "personality" and seem to exclude who don't think are exciting enough to be a "personality". Remember the term "personality" has many different meanings (I remember the podcast "No Such Thing As A Fish" defined personality as a special person and used the term "TV personality" as a comparison).

However SPOTY (the acronym for Sports Personality of the Year) gives rise to the intrigue of trying to compare different sporting achievements. With Rio 2016 halfway through, most of the focus will be on athletes who have excelled at the Olympic Games. Here are just a few suggestions for names that will be in the hat in December:

1. Adam Peaty
There was a lot of pressure for Peaty coming into these Games. He was the world record holder and world champion for his marquee event - the 100 m breaststroke. He showed he can handle the pressure by breaking his world record in becoming Olympic champion and giving Team GB their first gold medal of Rio 2016. He is also contributed in the 4 x 100 medley relay, helping the British team gaining silver.

2. Jason Kenny
Kenny moved into a tie with Wiggins and Redgrave as male Olympians with five gold medals, after winning in the individual and team sprints. He was already world champion, having won the individual sprint earlier in the year in London. If Redgrave and Wiggins can get knighthoods for wining five gold medals, surely there will be a Sir Jason Kenny coming soon?

3. Bradley Wiggins
Wiggins returned to track cycling after finding success on the road in the Tour de France and the Olympics. He won the madison with Mark Cavendish in this year's world championship and he gained his fifth Olympic gold with the win in the team pursuit. With that medal he becomes the most decorated sportsperson in British Olympic history. And for the people who are fickle that the winner of SPOTY has to have personality, Wiggo has plenty in abundance.

4. Laura Trott
The other half of British cycling's celebrity couple, she is no slouch herself. Going into Rio, she had already world champion at the scratch and omnium. Trott added the team pursuit to those accolades and became the only British female Olympian with three gold medals.

5. Mo Farah
I have no idea why Farah has not won a Sports Personality of the Year award. In the non-Olympic years of 2011 and 2013, he won both the 5000 m and 10000 m world championship. He already has won the 10000 m in Rio, despite falling down and he could retain the 5000 m later in the week. Surely his time is due.

6. Max Whitlock
If Louis Smith had been Team GB's gymnastic star in 2012, Max Whitlock has been the sensation in 2016. He helped Team GB win the team bronze and then going on to win two individual gold medals (Britain's first in gymnastics) in the floor and pommel horse.

7. Katherine Grainger
By winning a medal (silver) in the double sculls, Grainger became Britain's most decorated female Olympian with five medals (one gold, four silvers) and doing this at the age of 40 years.

8. Justin Rose
There were several golfers who shied away from the Olympics. Rose fully embraced being an Olympian. He attended the opening ceremony, despite it being six days before the start of the golf tournament. He carded the first hole-in-one on the first round and it got better from there. On a thrilling last day, he edged out Henrik Stenson to win the first Olympic golf gold in 112 years. He could further improve his odds of winning SPOTY by helping Team Europe retain the Ryder Cup in September. A honourable mention should include Danny Willett for winning the Masters in April.

9. Andy Murray
I have to declare my bias as I'm an Andy Murray fan. He won last year after helping Great Britain win the Davis Cup, where he really should have been someone else and the team win just Team of the Year. However it is difficulty to ignore his achievements this year. He has reached the finals of the Australian and French Open, becoming only the tenth player to reach all Grand Slam finals. He won WImbledon again in July and now he has become the first tennis to retain the single's title and win twice in the Olympic tennis tournament. He still has the US Open, the Davis Cup and the World No. 1 spot left in his calendar. Could this be the first time SPOTY has been won in successive years?

We still have half the Olympics plus the whole of the Paralympics to look forward to. Let's hope Great Britain's sporting achievements continue.

(N.B. Team of the Year should be Leicester City, defying the odds of 5000-1 to win the Premier League title.

Haters gonna hate Andy Murray

It has been announced the flag bearer for Team GB at the 2016 Rio Olympics will be Andy Murray. Naturally there are people who thinks he deserves the honour. Nonetheless there will be other people who think the responsibility should go to another sportsperson. Both sides have their arguments for and against, and all are valid. Yet somebody has to miss out. The most compelling argument is one I read from a reporter on Twitter. Of the 26 flag bearers for the British summer Olympic team, 23 have been white males. If you had argued on that fact, I wouldn't mind the flag bearer being Nicola Adams or Jessica Ennis-Hill.

However Andy Murray does deserve to bring in the Union Jack for Team GB. He has played at two Olympics, is current Olympic men singles champion and also won a silver medal in the mixed doubles. He competed in Beijing as well and stayed in the Olympic village there.

(However he did not stay in the village in London, as did most tennis players as the complex was very far from the tennis site of Wimbledon. Andy Murray won't be staying in the village for Rio, as he will be staying with the British tennis team in an apartment. I'm slightly disappointed with the decision but I've heard many well known athletes get hassled for autographs and photographs if they stay in the village.)

There has always been detractors regarding Andy Murray. It all started in 2006, when he joked he would "support whoever England were playing against" during the World Cup. Most people thought he was serious and took the comment the wrong way. I was on the opposite end of the spectrum. As a Scotsman, Andy Murray is allowed to make that joke. It has always been a joke every Scot has made about England's participation and Scotland's lack of participation at the World Cup finals. All Brits laugh at this joke, so why would we treat Andy Murray differently? A prime example of "being Scottish/British" joke is when Alex Ferguson was asked if he would take the England manager job. Ferguson replied he would make England worse if he did. Nobody was angry at Ferguson then (probably because they all fear him).

At least Andy Murray was trying to make a joke. Most sportspeople are a vacuum for humour. That is what you get if you dedicate your life to being the most successful sportsperson - your personality seems to go. Roger Federer has his admirers but I just find him bland, along with Rafael Nadal. At least Novak Djokovic is great at doing impressions of other tennis players. Those big three tennis players may have more Grand Slams, been men singles tennis No. 1 and have other accolades but I will admire Andy Murray more.

The only other controversy I can think Andy Murray has been in was his tweet regarding the Scottish independence referendum in 2014. He tweeted "Huge day for Scotland today! (The) No campaign negativity last few days totally swayed my view on it. Excited to see the outcome. Lets do this!" He got a lot of abuse online for that and I cannot see why. He's entitled to his opinion about any affair, whether it is informed or ill informed. As a Scotsman (although not living in Scotland), he has more of vested interest in that referendum than the rest of Great Britain. And anybody thinking he can summarise his own view of Scottish independence in 140 characters is in loony land themselves.

As you can see, I'm a great supporter of Andy Murray. He may have a monotonous voice when giving speeches or interviews but that is the way he is and he's not going to change that. He hasn't done any media training and I hope he stays that way. Nobody remarks how bland footballers sound when the give post match interviews.

People often confuse his dourness for a lack of humour. That is far from the truth. He poked fun at himself at the 2015 Sports Personality of the Year Award, when he said:

“I didn’t expect this. A friend actually sent me a message the other day with an article from a newspaper which said ‘Andy Murray is duller than a weekend in Worthing’, which I thought was a bit harsh... on Worthing.”

He shows that he doesn't mind being ridiculed. He has had to bear the annoyance of the kids from "Outnumbered" for Comic Relief. He was actually funny with Richard Ayoade for "Stand Up To Cancer". Yet the best example of his humour is his appearances on "Mock the Week". He has appeared in 2012, 2013 and last month. All come after recent successes at Wimbledon. He is brave enough to face seven comedians and let them have a dig at him. The point of ridicule must been on his second appearance, where one round of Scenes We'd Like to See was dedicated to him - Unlikely Things For Andy Murray To Think. Gosh that must be excruciating for him to watch but a delight for the rest of us.

As a supporter, I naturally follow him on social media. He posts on Twitter and Instagram semi-regularly but if you really want to see him more, you should follow his Facebook page. It's the usual you get from a sportsperson - mention of sponsors and charities, behind the scenes of his preparations. He does keep a lot of his personal life private and I don't mind that.

The snippets of his personal life I do know make me love him even more. He has two dogs Rusty and Maggie May. Rusty was named after Lleyton Hewitt, while Maggie May has her own book published and her own Twitter account. He has a great wife in Kim Sears. She is an artist but she stays silent about that and doesn't use her relationship with Andy Murray to promote her work. She is always by his side at matches (and at Mock the Week - surely she gets tired of that?) and you can occasionally hear her, like in the 2015 Australian Open (look it up).

Andy Murray may not be the best tennis player in the world, or the funniest or most exciting. But he is the sportsman I relate to. He know he's dour, he love his dogs and he like watching Mock the Week - sounds familiar to you.

On a last note, he geeks out about the BBC TV show "Sherlock". After winning this year's Wimbledon, he got a chance to talk to Benedict Cumberbatch. You can see he is a fanboy of Cumberbatch, and fist pumps when he hears that Series 4 of Sherlock is being filmed. Who doesn't love that?

Top Gear

The recent series of the revamped Top Gear has ended and with it the tenure of Chris Evans. It was inevitable the Radio 2 DJ would leave the show. Since the first episode, he has been described as the weakest link of the car programme.

The BBC didn't want this situation but it had no choice. When Jeremy Clarkson punched Oisin Tymon for not producing hot food after a day's shooting, the BBC were put in an unenviable position and had to fire him (technically his contract was not renewed but the outcome was the same). I know many Top Gear fans said the BBC would be losing out on a lot of money if they sacked Clarkson but what else were they going to do? If they didn't sack him, it basically means that Clarkson or any big star at the BBC could get away with murder. Let's put the situation in another way - if you punched a colleague, what would happen? Your employer would say goodbye to you and your wounded colleague would sue the arse out of you.

When Clarkson, Hammond and May left, the BBC had to pick up the pieces and see what they can salvage. They still had the name "Top Gear", which has worldwide brand recognition, and the Stig. All they needed were appropriate hosts. Unfortunately they got Chris Evans. Even though he's a good radio DJ and car enthusiast (especially regarding Ferraris), he has divided opinion and it showed in the news series. Most of the time, he is trying to drum up the audience too much and being way too shouty. He was known to be difficult to work with, represented by the lack of banter with his co-hosts.

All is not lost on Top Gear. Matt LeBlanc has done very well with presenting Top Gear and doesn't mind being picked on being American. The same goes for Sabine Schmidt - she doesn't mind being the butt of jokes and adds pedigree with being an actual racing driver. Eddie Jordan adds some lunacy to the picture but he wasn't on often enough and didn't present any of his own segments. The new guys had their good and bad points. You can see that Chris Harris is a petrolhead and he can present to camera well. He is also well opinionated, which adds to good conflict with his presenters. Rory Reid is well knowledged about cars but comes across as too nice.

At least the new producers tried to revamp certain segments. The "Star In A Reasonably Priced Car" needed a makeover and turning the lap into a rallycross segment was good. However pitting two celebrities against each other wasn't that great. Comparing the celebrities' cars wasn't that brilliant either. They really need to go back to the natural chat that Clarkson had with the guests.

They still maintained the standard with segments and challenges. All they need to build on is the on-screen banter. 'A' for effort, 'B-' for actual content.

Death is hardest to deal with when it hits close to your heart.

It seems death has been a predominant theme for 2016. I'll go into celebrity deaths and the rest in a later entry.

In the early hours of Sunday 24th April 2016, my friend Aaron died. His death affected me in more ways than one.

Aaron and I have never met face to face. We come to know each because we enjoy the same radio programme, "Fighting Talk" on BBC Radio 5 Live. We have been friends for about two years, finding out that we have much in common. We both reminisce about the 1980s, especially about TV shows. He was great to engage online, chatting on music and movies. He loved quizzes and he got me playing "QuizUp" on my smartphone. He had a similar sense of wicked humour to mine.

The similarities don't end there. We both suffer from depression. We both been through trying out different anti-depressants to see which would fit us the best. We both had our up and downs. We both expressed our depression to our online friends without being afraid of what people think, that we were not afraid to ask for help. We both conversed with each privately about our depression, supporting each other through the rough patches.

Ultimately it was his depression that killed him. Although the details have been sketchy, primarily because the news I have been hearing has been delivered by proxy. Aaron had been going through a bout of depression in March. I had noticed it and had been conversing with him during this period. There was some time he was not online, around three weeks. I didn't notice, maybe because I was dealing with my own troubles with depression and work, and had gone on holiday. Only in mid April did I hear the news from a common friend that Aaron had been admitted to ICU for alcoholic necrotising pancreatitis. Apparently he had tried to commit suicide by consuming a copious amount of alcohol. This didn't kill him but caused the pancreatitis I mentioned before plus multi-organ failure. Most of his online friends thought he was pulling through, being on the mend. In the end, it seemed the damage was too much.

This is the second friend who has died at a young age. My friend from secondary school, Theola, died of complications of IgA nephropathy (a kidney disease) in early December 2014. I had written an entry into blog at that time. For some reason, I didn't post it. Both died in their 30s - Theola at 32 years old, Aaron at 36 years old. Both had died from complications of their primary disease. Their deaths had come our of the blue. I was chatting to Theola on Facebook only two weeks prior to her death, planning to meet up and crash at her place. We were joking I had to share a bed with her two cats if I was going to stay overnight at her home. I'm going to miss conversations like those. With Aaron, he had already been ICU for a few weeks. He had been planned for surgery, with family and friends visiting him.

As a doctor, I always feel I could have done more. For Theola, she was diagnosed four months prior to her death. She traveled back to Hong Kong to see if an expert nephrologist could do anything to help her but to no avail. With Aaron, the guilt is more so. As a friend, I could always talk to him and give my support, even though I was thousands of kilometres away. As a fellow depressive patient, I know the struggles he was going through. As a doctor, the guilt is even worse. I should have noticed Aaron had disappeared off online. I should have recognised the signs, since he was putting up posts on his Facebook wall of being down in the dumps. Other friends have said we have done everything possible and he would still have killed himself. Apart from being attached to Aaron, 24 hours and 7 days a week, we couldn't have prevented this but the guilt is still there.

Don't get me wrong, it's a tragedy more for his family, his closer friends and everybody around him. For Theola's death, it was horrific for her parents, her younger brother (who was going to be married a month after her death) and her husband (they had been married for less than two years).

With Aaron, there is always something I identify in his situation and always thinking, "that could be me". In the past, it would have been - I've lost the number of times I have tried to commit suicide or the number of times I have been hospitalised for my depression. Nowadays I know there is an alternative. I can always quit my job. I could always go back to England or go to Australia. I could always go into research or switch to public health. I've got enough money in the bank to last a few years (as long as my mum doesn't kick me out of the house).

As we grow older it will be inevitable we have to be more accustomed to death. It's not easy to deal with - it never is - but with the support of family and friends, it will get easier.

The lack of drive

I touched upon the subject of my lack of drive in a previous post back in August 2015. I thought the situation would change but the lack of drive continues to persist. Even trying to sum up the will to write this post took several months. Only because I want to write about another subject that I have to write about the lack of drive so that the next post makes any sense.

I looked back at my previous post and found nothing has really changed. My reasons for the lack of drive is the same. I still haven't done what I am supposed to do for my higher training: my consultation videos, my notes for the practice assessment, my clinical audit. Even the fear of being left behind, having fellow doctor friends or doctors who are younger than me being resident specialists, associate consultants or consultants, doesn't motivate me into trying. Here I am, still pondering about emigrating to another country or planning my epic months-long holiday (I've added a cross country trip of Japan into the lexicon, either as a rail journey or a road trip). I've excluded my ambition to join MSF as I know my depression will get in the way. When I'm really unmotivated to do anything, I become very obsessive-compulsive about doing meaningless tasks, i.e. planning my epic North American / European / Japanese trips, despite them being at least 2.5 years away. I watch / listen to TV/radio programmes I have watched / listened to before, instead of engaging into new stuff.

I've tried to find other reasons why I'm not motivated. Is it the fear of the stress that will be entailed if I do my Exit Examination? I've seen other doctors go through the endeavour and the whole process frightens me. I fear of relapsing into a major depressive state, something I never want to happen again. There have been many senior colleagues who have said the Exit Examination isn't hard but they didn't rule out the process will be stressful. I have learned I cannot handle stress well (hence why I won't be apply for MSF). One recent event has made me quite sombre lately (which I will write about later).

So what am I doing to help my motivation. I've agreed to participate in a clinical trial, to see if repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation will help. Basically it is using a device to produce magnetic waves so it will stimulate my brain into being happier and more motivated. I'm in week 3 of 4 into the treatment and I don't think anything has changed. I know with this method of treatment that the results may not be seen immediately.

However in the end I know most of the motivation has to come within. But how do I motivate myself to become motivated?

Celebrity deaths in 2016 - actually more or just a selective memory?

2016 seems to be a year when the number of celebrity deaths have risen. In the global sense, the likes of David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Johan Cruyff and now Prince have passed away. USA have lost Garry Shandling, Doris Roberts, George Kennedy and Harper Lee. Britain said goodbye to Terry Wogan, Paul Daniels, Ronny Corbett, George Martin, Frank Kelly and recently Victoria Wood.

The BBC have a great article on this matter. However I was thinking if we have a selective memory and we think the number of celebrity deaths have risen. I looked at 2015 and it seems we don't have a selective memory. The only celebrities that jump out to me from January to April 2015 are Leonard Nimoy and Terry Pratchett.

According to the BBC, it seems that the trend of celebrity deaths will continue. Now as a doctor I don't wish ill will or death on anybody, but I'm just suggesting to God that he should take out somebody which everybody hates.

Instagram

For those who follow me, either on Facebook or Twitter, will know I tend to post my photos through Instagram. For those who don't know, Instagram is mobile app which post pictures so that everybody can search for. I like Instagram more than Twitter in sharing photos, since you can write more than 140 characters - something I find a bit annoying on Twitter. Facebook is fine for sharing photo with friends but if you want a much wider audience, than Instagram is a much better forum.

Like most users, I tend to use Instagram to post photos of holidays and culinary creations. However most of my photos are to promote the dogs I walk at Hong Kong Dog Rescue.

Even though I wax lyrical about Instagram, there are some features and habits which I find annoying:

To the makers of Instagram:
1. Please allow users to post photos from devices other than smartphones/tablets, i.e. computers. Most people will take photos with their digital cameras, because they are superior in quality. It is difficult if these people have to download the photo from the camera to the computer and then transfer the photo from the computer to our mobile device in order to share the picture on Instagram.

Sharing our photos from the computer means we can write much lengthier description of our photos. I don't want to be spending ages writing a description with my mobile device when I can type much faster on a keyboard. Like most users, I had to save a file in my smartphone of all the hashtags I have to use when posting a photo of the Hong Kong Dog Rescue dogs. It would much more faster and convenient if I could do this from my laptop.

2. Please do more to weed out spammers & fake followers. There seems to be millions out there who use Instagram to annoy people. I don't want you to just do the occasional cull. It should be 24/7/365 vigilance. This leads me on to my next group of people

To the spammers, fake follower accounts and "businesses" on Instagram
1. Stop liking my photos, tagging me in your photos or commenting on my photos.

If there are businesses who are just posting photos to advertise their goods, that is fine by me. I follow a lot of dog accounts who buy stuff from companies such as Barkbox. I don't mind users advertising their products (as long as it is not too explicit), just don't shove it in my face.

99% of people of Instagram users just want to see photos, not buy stuff of Instagram. For those spammers who are only liking my photos, tagging me in their photos or commenting on my photos just to peak my interest so that I go to their Instagram account - I will block you and report you. If you like my photo in the personal sense rather than in the business sense, set up a personal account on Instagram rather than using your business account.

For those accounts advertising fake followers - stop it! I'm not here to rack up followers, I just want to share my photos. That is what hashtags are for. I had to cut down the number of hashtags I use for my photos since I notice some hashtags attract these spammers & fake follower accounts.

To the genuine users
1. Please write a description of your photo. I know a picture paints a thousand words but some context will be nice. And just putting emojis is not a description either. Also don't go too overboard on the hashtags. It's annoying that we have to use a lot of hashtags for just one topic. For "dogs" I can use the following hashtags: #dog #dogs #pet #pets #animal #animals. If it is more specific, such as golden retrievers it would be even more: #goldenretriever #goldentretrievers #retriever #retrievers #dog #dogs #pet #pets #animals #animals #golden #furry etc.

2. I would like it if the comments were much more specific. Just saying "nice", "amazing photo" and "that's sweet" just means you are not paying attention to the photo or even the description. I remember one of the photos posted by another Hong Kong Dog Rescue volunteer of one of the dogs with some injuries. One comment by another user just said "Nice!". Obviously that user was either somebody who didn't really look at the photo, read the description or was another of those business accounts.

99% of users are mostly good. It's that 1% of shit which sours the whole crop.

Professional procrastination

One of the traits which has been going away from me has been my motivation. For particular things -  especially regarding my family medicine higher training - they have been put off so many times. Even this blog entry has been put off for several weeks, maybe even months. It has come to the stage that my psychiatrist had to add bupropion (Wellbutrin), an anti-depressant usually used to help people quit smoking, to improve my motivation. Although this has helped a little, there is still stuff left to do.

So why am I so unmotivated to do anything about my family medicine higher training? Probably it is the lack of drive which is a factor. My family medicine higher training is not compulsory to be completed. I can still practise in Hong Kong without it. My level of pay won't be as much as doctors who have completed the family medicine higher training and passed the exit examination but the money is still nothing to scoff at. It is comfortable to live on, I have no debts and no-one that financially depends on me. My chances of promotion within the department will be zero without the resident specialist title but I'm not worried about that - I would hate the added responsibility and doing stuff such as seeing patients in specialist clinics and attending meetings.

Even getting up in the morning, knowing I have to go to work and see patients, requires serious willpower and motivation. There are many times I lie in bed thinking if I can pull a sickie today and then I realise the reason I have gone part time is so I don't want to do this.

To be honest I fulfilled most of adult ambitions in becoming a doctor. When I was a teenager, I was naive to think I could fulfil most of my goals: 16 A*'s at GCSEs, 6 A's at A Levels, get into the University of Cambridge to study medicine, get married at 25 years old, have children by 28 years old and win the Nobel Prize for Medicine and Physiology by 40 years old. During my depression years, when I was deferring studying and repeating years, all I wanted to do is graduate and become any doctor. Now that I've achieved that, what is left to do in terms of big goals? I don't expect even to have sex, let alone hook up, get married or have kids.

There are other goals which I want to do, which strangely I am more motivated to prepare for: take a 3 month European trip, get a Diploma in Tropical Medicine and Hygiene so I can volunteer for Medicins San Frontieres and, finally, do the research so I can emigrate to Australia or go back to UK. But even then the motivation is not immediate.

For my family medicine higher training, I have still got to record my consultation videos. This is the part I am most dreading, since it requires me to converse in Cantonese at length, something I'm not comfortable doing. I have to enter 600+ patients' data for my clinical audit and I've only done 100+ patients. I have still got to prepare for my practice management assessment, which I haven't even started. This requires me having to fix any problems with my clinic settings, such as making sure the cardiopulmonary resuscitation drills and fire drills paperwork is in order, which it isn't and I have been sitting on this for the past year. The lack of drive goes in hand with the lack of consequences - there is no punishment if I don't fulfil my higher training.

I think it is an effort related matter regarding my motivation. There are some things I don't want to do. Going out to gatherings on Meetup such as "British Born Chinese and Friends" and "Social Scrabble Club" requires me to hop on to public transport for one hour or more, which I find hard to do. Yet going to volunteer for Hong Kong Dog Rescue is something I do regularly, probably because it is only a 15 minute drive from home and I can park for free.

Probably I should give in and say, "Look, I don't envisage me staying in Hong Kong in the near future. Completing my higher training and taking the exit examination, which I will probably fail, will be pointless."

At a crossroad

Back in February, I was in a poor state psychologically. My depression was still in remission but I kept on having acute episodes of depression. I would feel low for a few days and then, in the morning, I would wake up and was depressed plus anxious about the day ahead and challenges that it would present. I would become more depressed plus anxious, having my arms ache, my chest tighten, having difficulty breathing and feeling that my heart was racing. That situation came to the point I was taking sick leave one day every month. I didn't want this to continue, as it was unfair for the colleagues who had to deputise in my absence  the community in general since they paid my wages.

Something had to change - I discussed my problem with my family and then my boss about what I was going through and brainstormed some options. I decided to go part-time, which I only started recently. With the time off, I hope to sort out the rest of my higher training in family medicine and decide what my options are regarding my future.

The main reason why I have gone part-time is that I don't like my job as a family medicine doctor in the Hospital Authority's general out patient clinic. There are a lot of problems, from patients, other doctors, the health care system and society itself. I will elaborate about these issues at a later date, most likely when I leave Hong Kong since I will be burning a lot of bridges when I do that.

That's another problem I have as well - I don't like living in  Hong Kong. Or rather I feel I don't fit in here. Whether it is still the language problem (I'm not very fluent in Cantonese) or the cultural integration is still being resisted by me, I still spend a lot of time at home and not want to go out. Appearance wise, I'm Chinese but culturally, I attach myself to Britain - I enjoy British cuisine (stop sniggering, there is actually good parts about it), I follow mainly British sports and I watch mainly British TV shows.

I have gotten a lot of grief and ridicule when I describe myself as English or a "banana" (yellow on the outside, pertaining to my Asian looks, while being White on the inside, as I think like a Westerner). Mainly this comes from my parents, who often say "Why do you want to be British? They hate Chinese people and they don't want you as a citizen!" and some of my colleagues, who find it funny I like things like British food and the way of life, such as shops not being open on a Sunday - a totally foreign concept to them.

So with this time off, I'm hoping to finish up my family medicine higher training, although I may not need it. If I was going to stay in Hong Kong, it would be probably best to complete the training and take the Exit examination but it is not absolutely necessary. It just means I get paid less than the people who have passed the exam and I'm already well paid in this job already - why do you think I have the luxury of going part time?

I'm trying to find out if I can go back to UK or head off to Australia to practise medicine. I know I can go to Australia, since I'm already a Fellow of the Royal Australian College of General Practitioners, which means it would be relatively easy to work there. For UK, I might need to take a language proficiency examination and a medical knowledge examination but I don't think that is too much of a hassle. My only worry is that I need to pass my Exit examination here in Hong Kong in order to be able to practise in the UK. If that is the case, I'll just head to Australia instead.

Another option is doing my dream job and heading off to volunteer for Medecins San Frontieres for a while. I know that entails needing a Diploma in Tropical Medicine - again, another excuse to get out of Hong Kong.

I know I'm not going to make a lot of people happy about my decision and remarks - parents, friends, colleagues - but this is my life, my opinion and if they do like me, they respect the choices I have made in my life.

"You're not a specialist..."

I'm going to say something that I feel should be said:

"Family medicine doctors and general practitioners don't get that much respect, especially in Hong Kong."

So where do I start? Let's begin with my own family. My father has non-alcoholic steatohepatitis or in laymen terms fatty liver. He needs to cut down his fat intake (he already has hypercholesterolaemia or high cholesterol for those who don't know) and also his carbohydrates. He's doing this part adequately through his food intake but he's still drinking alcohol. He drinks about one bottle of beer or one glass of wine per day - not enough to be an alcoholic but he should try to reduce his consumption. I keep telling him that but he keeps saying, "there is no carbohydrate in alcohol" (which there is) or "the alcohol doesn't contribute to my fatty liver" (which it does).

My dad is not the only member of my family who doesn't listen to my medical opinion. My aunt had some blood tests done about two years ago and the results showed she had a blood sugar. I told her to get more blood tests done to see if she actually had diabetes mellitus and whether or not she needed to start medication. She "claimed" she went to see a doctor (not immediately as I suggested) and "claimed" she was told she just needed to control her diet. So what has she got know? Diabetes mellitus, and she is now on medication. 

It doesn't stop there with my aunt. My grandmother was admitted to hospital with confusion a while back and was diagnosed to have neurosyphilis. She had her treatment and when the internal medicine doctor thought she was stable and there was nothing else to do, the doctor discharged her back to her family medicine doctor in the general out-patient clinic to continue her follow up. She said, "why do I have to get sent back to my family doctor? He can't take care of me." When I heard that, it took me all of my willpower not to shout at her for disrespecting my fellow doctors.

I think my grandmother's attitude sums up the view of family doctors in Hong Kong. We are not considered to be specialists, despite that we have our own society which regulates our professional training and examinations. Every time I say I'm a doctor, the first question I'm asked is, "which hospital are you working at?" When I say I'm not working in a hospital but a general out patient clinic, the next question is, "When you have finished working in the clinic, what are you going to specialise in?" It doesn't help that the medical body in Hong Kong doesn't regulate the professional training of doctors that stringently. Once you have finished your internship in Hong Kong, you are allowed to set up your own clinic and do whatever you want, without any prior or current training. At least in the UK and Australia the system is more regulated. So general practitioners (that is what people in Hong Kong call doctors who practise family medicine in private) can prescribe and investigate whatever they want, in contraindication to their medical education, practice guidelines or current medical evidence - as long as the patient is willing to pay for these measures. This situation leads to over-prescription of drugs, unnecessary investigations, patient confusion and doctor shopping.

Patients just consider family doctors as dispensers of drugs. Frequently in my consultations, I'm asked for medication for cold symptoms, eyedrops, antacids and pain killers. They expect me to prescribe them these drugs without any questions. When I do ask them questions about serious symptoms that I have to exclude, some of the patients look at me with the expression "Of course I don't have those symptoms, are you stupid?"

They also consider family doctors as stepping stones to see specialists. I'm often asked, "Can you write me a referral letter to a specialist?" This question just displays the view that family medicine doctors are not able or competent enough to handle your medical complaint. I wish there was a secret code we can use when write a referral letter to specialists to say, "All they want is a opinion from a 'specialist'. Just give them the furthest date you can for their initial appointment." 

I had two patients like this the other day (which is why I'm having a mini-relapse of my depression and calling sick off work). Firstly there was a young nurse (A NURSE) who asked to be referred to a dermatologist (skin doctor) for her eczema on her first consultation with me. She previously had seen another general out patient clinic doctor and was referred to a specialist before, and hadn't receive much treatment. I wrote a "routine" referral to the dermatologist saying she wanted to "be referred to a specialist" - my way of saying to give her low priority. Another patient had presented with De Quervain's tenosynovitis (basically wrist pain) and tennis elbow. She only consulted us once before a few months back and wanted a referral to a specialist. When I asked why she wanted a referral, she just said, "I wanted a specialist's opinion", meaning my opinion was worth JACK SHIT. Then I asked how she expected the specialist to help her, she said "I don't know, he/she is the specialist, I'm asking for his/her opinion, again implying "You can't help me, you're are JACK SHIT." In the end she genuinely said with a hint of contempt, "If you don't want to write me a referral letter, that's fine."

It doesn't help that the Hospital Authority doesn't give us the resources to help our patients. The department has a doctor over from the UK working for one year here and she said our resources are limited - a very narrow spectrum of drugs we can prescribe, we can't order more advanced imaging such as ultrasound, CTs or MRIs and that the waiting time to see a specialist was far too long.

It doesn't help that there is a disdain from specialists about regarding our referrals. They consider are referral letters as having too little or too much information. When the Hospital Authority standardised the referral letter templates for common complaints, the specialists said they don't like the template. I wish I didn't need to write referral letters. I'm only referring if something is needed to be done - to prescribe a medication we don't have in the general out-patient clinic, to investigate a condition with investigations we don't have or to perform a surgery that we cannot do (not that we can do any surgeries at all - not even a basic incision and drainage, another thing I don't like about the rules and regulations governing general out patient clinics). If I write, "Patient asks for a referral to a specialist", that is my code in saying to give this the lowest priority you can.

There are some specialist who think we are not competent in handling cases. One patient was discharged from a specialist clinic to a general out patient clinic for a lung condition. After a few years of being very stable, the family medicine doctor tried to reduce the dosage of the medication as the patient was already taking a lot of medication. Coincidentally the patient had an exacerbation of the lung problem and was admitted to hospital. There was a letter from the specialist clinic saying, "Don't try to adjust the medication. If there is a problem, refer the patient back to us." The lung problem is pretty common and most cases can be handled in the general out patient clinics. The patient was only referred to the specialist as we had exhausted all our drug options and the patient needed a more specialised drug. Basically the specialist was implying we were incompetent and our only job is to prescribe the drugs.

So family medicine doctors don't get any respect from the population, the patients, the Hospital Authority, specialists and even their own family. Are you surprised that I want to leave to somewhere that has a bit more respect from my specialty (Yes, it is a specialty) such as the UK or Australia. I might even Médecins Sans Frontières - at least the target group appreciates doctors more.